ANTINNENN Nnenna Ijomah

These podcasts are strung together in the name of a living, growing, thriving me. I want to remember who I was in these times. I also want to be impactful with the pain I feel if it will help anyone. I ask what does it mean to love yourself to challenge my depressive discourse. This is placed in my life to serve me and maybe you. 

Episode 5 is on Youtube.

"The most important things are hard to say because words diminish them." - Stephen King

It is a maddening shade,

How could you grow in the absence of color?

In the  absence of hue,

In the absence of light.

So I hoped this would remind me,

Life is dark from the perspective your mind falls in.

The unavoidable is thought of in the dark

People show up for each other in dark times,

It creates a memory that records darkness,

with light

Dark or night time exists because of the absence of light

And in the absence of light we have nothing to lose

Night puts me at my most productive,

Reminds me that my suffering is not just for me

I am thankful

For the person I can be for others

As a sister

Daughter

A friend

That’s why I do this.

ANTINNENN Episode 3  was difficult to record. Like most good things the realizations I made did not come with ease. The subjects discussed in Part 1 are of the faith I lost in myself, the deadly sins I committed along the way and the mental health I denied myself to serve a selfish path that was not enough to keep me from here, speaking my truth, with you. How far did you go the last time you stopped?

I’d like to die sometimes
Selfish ya?
Life is a gift to us but at times
I just want my life to go dark and for everything to end
Why,?
Because at times I’m not living for myself
At times, I’m living through the pain
Of other people
And it makes me weak
Surface level stuff right?
I wear a weak smile to survive the careless actions of others
And ask,
Is this bigger than me?
Because then of course I could throw away the mask completely.
The answer,
Is a resounding yes.
Why?
Because it is in my darkest moments that I can write and feel a struggle that not only derserves a voice
But deserves my most powerful voice.
I retreat to the insides of myself to feel the pain that my loved ones feel.
I feel I am a coward and a resentful one
And maybe I don’t deserve to punish myself
Some that know me personally will say I don't
I do it anyway, for staying quiet
So here's to speaking up:
What was your upbringing like ?
Did it cause you to leave yourself behind?
What does it feel like to move that way
As a shell of who you are
Were you as fragile as me?

The worst of allowing your dark moments to swallow you is the loss of that spark that sat and waited for you at the end of your struggle. If you never find this light, then you never grow indefinitely.  Maybe you finally figure it out a different way,  but in the moment you'll never know what sort of creativity you lost. As an artist-writer, or creative, to marry the two, this podcast poses the question: How do you work against yourself?  Who do we become when we leave ourselves behind.