Worst of Bible Worst of Bibel

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So this guy Samson has a bit of a Superman backstory, but with a What if Superman were a total jerk twist. It also has a tad of Jesus in it, as if God had made a test run for unexpected pregnancies and what to expect when you weren’t really expecting.
So Samson is born to a couple called Manoah and… well, the woman happens not to have a name because the Bible basically cares fuck all about women. Anyway, Manoah and the wife of Manoah have no children, because the wife of Manoah is “unable to give birth”, as the book of Judges states, or maybe Manoah’s little swimmers are just simply recalcitrant little buggers, who knows, let’s just go ahead and blame the woman, shall we?
But once again, I digress. Long story short, for reasons unknown Manoah and his wife have no children and have long given up on having any. So when this man visits them and announces they’d be having a kid soon, they’re sceptic at first, but upon realizing said man is a messenger from God, happily accept this unexpected development. The angel tells them:
“You will become pregnant and have a son whose head is never to be touched by a razor because the boy is to be a Nazirite, dedicated to God from the womb. He will take the lead in delivering Israel from the hands of the Philistines.”
Interesting detail: The Israelites are in the hand of the Philistines because God put them there in the first place, after once again having a falling out with his people. God is pretty good at solving problems he created in the first place. Bit like starting a fire to extinguish so you can be the hero.
So Samson is God’s Chosen One, a savior, and he is born to a host couple on earth, not unlike Superman, but unlike Superman, he decides to go down the path of being an outright asshole. Think the movie Brightburn. And speaking of similarities with Superman, Samson does also have his very own Kryptonite:
Cut his hair and he loses all his powers and God’s blessing.
One day Samson is wandering around when his eyes fall upon a Philistine girl, so he tells his parents:
“I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.”
Entitled little fuck, if I’ve ever seen one.
His parents aren’t too keen on this kind of daughter-in-law, given she’s the enemy. But Samson is quite adamant about it, so they make the journey down to Timnah to get it over with.
En route, Samson happens upon a lion and kills the beast with his bare hands. A total badass thing to do, but this is where things get bizarre (bizarre by Bible story standards, that is). According to the Bible, after he kills the lion with his fucking bare hands, the following happens:
But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done.
Why, though? Only a total psychopath would keep it to himself that he just killed a fucking lion, let alone with his bare hands! Either that, or Samson kills animals as a habit and has been going Dexter all over Judah’s fauna and maybe that’s why he doesn’t think it’s news. Imagine killing a bloody lion without any weapon. The least you can do is tell the story and then say something badass like “No biggy”, but keep that to yourself? That’s a red flag right there. Psycho.
They then get to Timnah, Samson speaks to the woman, decides she’s not just looks and a marriage is arranged. And they live happily ever after.
Unfortunately, no.
Some time later, Samson returns to Timnah for the wedding. On his way there, he seems to have said to himself, hello, didn’t I kill a lion here with my bare hands, let’s see what happened to the carcass. The Bible recounts:
In it he saw a swarm of bees and some honey. He scooped out the honey with his hands and ate as he went along. When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it. But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion’s carca

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So a couple of years after the flood, maybe decades, or was it centuries, I’m not sure, I also honestly don’t care, I couldn’t be bothered to research this any further.
Anyhow, some time after the flood, the descendants of Noah aka Humanity 2.0 were wandering about the earth looking for a place to settle. Probably a century or two, given the Noah family had fucked each other enough to spawn Humanity 2.0.
So everybody’s related, your wife is your cousin or your sister (or your mother? Who knows!) and everybody speaks the same language. What a time to be alive!
They finally find a plain that seems like a decent place to settle down in. Soon enough they discover the magic of building houses. And they say:
“Let’s make some bricks of clay and bake them in the fire.” Then they used these bricks as stones, and they used tar as mortar. Then the people said, “Let’s build ourselves a city and a tower that will reach to the sky. Then we will be famous. This will keep us together so that we will not be scattered all over the earth.”
Now bear with me for a second:
Imagine you’re living with your family and your mother is your wife but also your sister and you’re all comfy, but some of you are getting bored, and you’re afraid people might start moving away because there’s nothing much to do after six pm on a Saturday. Wouldn’t you too build a tower for good measure? No? Me neither.
But somehow, according to the scribe of Genesis, this is in part the reasoning behind building the tower. Another reason is they want to be fucking famous. I’m not sure who they want to be famous with as they are the only people on the whole damn earth but if that’s what you want, be my guest. If it makes you feel better looking in the mirror, go right ahead and build that tower.
God, on the other hand, is not happy.
He comes down to take a good look at the city and the tower and pleased he is not. He says:
“These people all speak the same language. And I see that they are joined together to do this work. This is only the beginning of what they can do. Soon they will be able to do anything they want.”
Let’s take a closer look at this. God is the kind of bloke that wants people to know about him, ergo: he wants to be famous. God creates humans in his image, meaning: they share his traits. But the second humans want to be like God, in this case: be famous, he goes mental.
Also: the fact humans can build towers took him by surprise? Not much of an almighty God, really.
Be that as it may, God decides he’s had enough of these shenanigans:
“Let’s go down and confuse their language. Then they will not understand each other.”
At this point I’d also like to ask: Who’s we? Who the hell is he talking to? Is this some Gollum Smeagol type shit going on?
Why does it cry, Smeagol. Don’t worry, filthy little humans won’t have the precious for long.
So God starts inventing languages and assigns these to different parts of the happy little incest family. The construction on the city is halted and humanity is scattered across the earth. God happy.
Or maybe all that was a huge misunderstanding. According to Josephus, being famous wasn’t the motivation at all behind building that tower.
Rather, humans hadn’t forgot the flood. They remembered in vivid detail how God had let a flood kill everybody apart from their relatives. So Nimrod, the king of the humans at that time, intended to build a tower so high it would rise above any flood God would be able to send.
Sure, God had made an oath that he would never again destroy all living things. But then again: Better safe than sorry. Turns out: With God, you’re never safe, no matter what.
I’m honestly trying not to be a dick about this, and maybe it’s just me, but who the fuck is this God? This is just another one of many bible stories that doesn’t paint God in the best of light

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So this guy Balaam is a prophet of God, and Balak, the Moabite king, offers him money to curse the Israelites so the Moabites can fight them proper.
Now in general God never misses an opportunity to do the Israelite people in. There’s some kind of love-hate relationship going on there. But this time, God draws a line and says no.
So Balaam rejects the offer.
But Balak really is interested in getting that curse, so he sends more important officials and increases his offer.
Balaam tells the delegation that he’ll have to check in with God first. After hearing the offer, God allows Balaam to go with them but under no circumstance shall he curse.
So the next morning, Balaam saddles his donkey and accompanies the Moabite delegation. Which really pisses God off.
Ugh, I hate these kind of people. You know, the ones where you ask them whether it’s ok if you do the thing, and they say yes, and then you do the thing and they get all mad that you did the thing because it actually wasn’t ok, and you’re like: What the hell, I’m not a fucking mindreader. But I digress.
So God’s mad because Balaam did the thing. So he sends an angel to stop Balaam. The angel descends and stands in the road with his sword drawn, and naturally the donkey stops, refusing to run into the angel.
Unfortunately, it’s only the donkey who sees the celestial warrior. Balaam on the other hand sees him not.
So Balaam starts harassing the donkey, telling him to move. And when Balaam starts beating the animal, the poor thing has had enough and starts talking.
What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?
Now I don’t know about you, but if our dog started talking out of bloody nowhere I’d probably have the shock of my life, then I’d ask him a thousand questions and later I’d come up with a scheme to monetize the hell out of this new development.
No so Balaam. He’s so preoccupied with the fact the damn animal isn’t moving he talks back to the donkey like it’s nothing.
You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.
The donkey is quick to point out the flaw in his reasoning:
Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?
Balaam must accept defeat, effectively losing a debate with a donkey. Quite the loss, given he’s a prophet of God and stuff.
God then lets Balaam see the angel and tells him the donkey saved his life. One step further and God would’ve ordered the angel to kill Balaam (don’t forget: Balaam wouldn’t have been here in the first place if God hadn’t allowed the travel).
Not exactly sure what the moral of the story is but if I’d have to go with something, I’d say:
Be kind to animals.
Source: Numbers 22
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So Jesus has this reputation of being a chill kind of guy, basically olden days Gandhi.
There are many, many anecdotes to the contrary, but one that stands out is this one time he was hungry.
Jesus was on his way somewhere and spotted a fig tree from afar.
When he got closer he realized it bore no fruit. Jesus was really pissed.
Then he said to it, “May you never bear fruit again!” Immediately the tree withered.
His apostles witnessed the episode and were, like, yo, J-Dawg what the fuck’s wrong with you, cursing a tree and shit.
Well, actually, they asked:
“How did the fig tree wither so quickly?” they asked.
Jesus replied, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.”
So, basically, what we have here is a spoiled brat who got almost almighty powers from his father throwing a tantrum because for once he didn’t get his will. Classic rich kid.
Please include the fig tree in your prayers tonight.
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This is part 2 of the Ezekiel chronicles. Ezekiel has been lying on his side for over 390 days as part of a performance that’s supposed to convey a message of doom to Israel. God had muted Ezekiel to make things interesting.
After 390 days, God has new instructions for the prophet: He should cut off his beard with a sword. Then he is to divide the hair into three parts.
One third is to be burnt in the midst of Jerusalem. He is to distribute another third around the city and strike the hair with his sword. The final third is to be scattered by the wind.
He is also supposed to tie some of the hair into his garment, and then again take some of this hair and burn them. All this a metaphor for how Jerusalem and the people of Israel would be punished. Surely there has to be an easier way to convey this message.
Ah, but of course: Ezekiel is mute. So a performance it is! The message: Jerusalem will be besieged and destroyed. Parents will eat their children and children will feast on their parents. Ears and noses will be cut off; men, women, children and old people will be killed. And the whole city will be burnt to the ground.
When Ezekiel can speak again, the does what anybody would have done:
He prophesies against and curses the mountains. This is what he says, and I quote:
Mountains of Israel, hear the word of the Lord God. Thus says the Lord God to the mountains and hills, to the ravines and valleys: Pay attention! I am bringing a sword against you, and I will destroy your high places.
Yeah, fuck you, mountains!
This is the book of Ezekiel in a nutshell. Batshit crazy stuff. And it doesn’t end there. Metaphor upon metaphor describe what God thinks of Israel and what he plans doing with the people. There are prostitutes how pay out money for sex, eagles and wine and lions.
Later some more prostitutes: two sisters, nymphomaniacs, and the prophet goes into explicit detail how their breasts and nipples are touched, and repeatedly so. This seems to be an important detail because Ezekiel can’t get enough of their breasts and nipples being groped.
Then towards the end Ezekiel is led into a field of bones. While Ezekiel stands among the bones and prophesies, the bones come to life, grow sinews, muscles and flesh, and the skeletons arise and walk about. I will go out on a limb and say that Ezekiel most probably was high as a kite throughout the penning of this book.
And I haven’t even mentioned the introduction where Ezekiel has crazy vision of God’s chariot throne. It has to be read to be believed.
All in all, the book of Ezekiel is one of the most entertaining bible books, and also one of the most insane. On a more serious note, it also paints God as a vindictive, evil, jealous, completely toxic entity, akin to that Ex who kills his former girlfriend because if he can’t have her, nobody should.
I’d love to say that Ezekiel was talking out of his ass, but sure enough, Jerusalem was soon destroyed by the Babylonians. So I guess the whole lying around and shit bread eating wasn’t all for nothing.
Source: Ezekiel
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So there’s the prophet Ezekiel who just has to be one of the craziest characters in all of the Bible. Granted, all Bible prophets tend to be borderline insane, I guess it comes with the territory. But Ezekiel and his story sure are something special.
I remember enjoying this Bible book as a kid, and I only liked the crazy ones. In other words: If you’d want to make a movie of the book of Ezekiel, you’d have to cast Nicolas Cage.
So there’s this dude Ezekiel, and God instructs him to warn the Kingdom of Israel about an impending siege. Once again God and the Kingdom have had a falling-out, and God has decided to deliver a message. Now when the Mafia delivers a message it’s usually a horse’s head or something, but when God delivers a message because you’ve pissed him off, he sends your enemies to attack, pillage and destroy you.
So Ezekiel is chosen as messenger. God says:
Go now to the people of Israel and speak my words to them. By the way, your tongue will stick to the roof of your mouth and you’ll be mute.
Guess God was trying to spice things up a bit. So instead of warning Israel by word of mouth (because that’s too easy, right?), he was supposed to play a game of Activity. Seriously. You can’t make this up. These are literally God’s instructions, and I quote:
Take a clay tablet; place it in front of you, and draw on it a city, Jerusalem. 2 Lay siege to it: build up siege works, raise a ramp against it, pitch camps and set up battering rams all around it. Then take an iron pan and set it up as an iron wall between you and the city. Set your face toward it and put it under siege. So you must lay siege to it as a sign for the house of Israel. Then lie down on your left side, while I place the guilt of the house of Israel upon you. As many days as you lie like this, you shall bear their guilt. I allot you three hundred and ninety days[b] during which you must bear the guilt of the house of Israel, the same number of years they sinned. When you have completed this, you shall lie down a second time, on your right side to bear the guilt of the house of Judah forty days; I allot you one day for each year. Turning your face toward the siege of Jerusalem, with bared arm[c] you shall prophesy against it. See, I bind you with ropes so that you cannot turn from one side to the other until you have completed the days of your siege.
Surely you can make things easier if you want folks to be saved. I mean, sure, that’s how you can have a warning delivered – if you’re fucking Jigsaw.
And what’s with the ropes? Seems God didn’t trust Ezekiel to pull through with the whole thing.
Anyway, instead of just telling the Kingdom of Israel they’d be destroyed, Ezekiel is supposed to pull off a weird art performance and hope folk will interpret it correctly.
Obviously Ezekiel will have to eat something. God has him covered. He orders the prophet to make himself some bread he’ll be eating during his ordeal. Here are the ingredients:
* wheat
* barley
* beans
* lentils
* millet
* spelt
God tells him to knead the dough in a pot and then bake the bread over fire fueled by human shit. I kid you not, here is the direct quote from the bible:
And the barley cake you eat you must bake on human excrement in the sight of all.
At this point this is just plain bullying from God.
This is also where Ezekiel has had enough and he tells God to fuck himself or words to that effect.
Very well, says God, I will let you use cow manure in place of human dung. You can bake your bread on that.
And again: This is a direct quote from the Bible. 50 bucks God was just making stuff up along the way.
In any case, Ezekiel got lucky: He didn’t have to eat where he shat, which is a good thing. But he still had to lie around for 390 days, playing a human riddle, because once again God and his people didn’t get along.
By the way: There’s a company that sells Ezekiel bread with sai