100 episodes

The Loveumentary is a podcast hellbent on ridding the world of mediocre love.

Episodes feature the world's leading love experts, researchers, authors, and therapists as well as deeply-satisfied and madly-in-love couples from all over the United States. They all share their secrets, insights, and wisdom with YOU so you can create passionate, long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.

I hope you take at least one thing from each episode and use it to transform your life. Never settle for mediocre love.

Growth Marriage Nate Bagley

    • Relationships

The Loveumentary is a podcast hellbent on ridding the world of mediocre love.

Episodes feature the world's leading love experts, researchers, authors, and therapists as well as deeply-satisfied and madly-in-love couples from all over the United States. They all share their secrets, insights, and wisdom with YOU so you can create passionate, long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.

I hope you take at least one thing from each episode and use it to transform your life. Never settle for mediocre love.

    3 Reasons Why Marriage Therapy Doesn't Work

    3 Reasons Why Marriage Therapy Doesn't Work

    1. You don’t know how to find a good therapist When you’re struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it’s normal to hear the advice, “You should go talk to someone.” The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help. But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they’re talking about. You wouldn’t go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You’d be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist. Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you! Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They’ve devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem. Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters. It’s important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with. But more importantly… A good therapist is someone you can relate to. One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you’ll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It’s called “Client-Therapist Fit.”) It matters whether or not your therapist “gets” you! And if you’re a couple looking for a therapist, it’s important that your therapist “gets” BOTH of you. It might take some time and research to find the right “fit.” Which brings me to my next point... 2. Not all therapists are created equal Ever had a really bad haircut? I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out. Or maybe you‘ve had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change. Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal.  Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well. And not all therapists are good therapists. And not all therapists are honest therapists. Did you know a therapist doesn’t have to go through any formal training to call themselves a “couples therapist” or a “sex therapist”? There’s no title protection in the industry. So, it’s very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I’m sick of this. I need a change. I’m going to start treating couples. I hear there’s good money in that.” Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to “Couples Therapist,” and start seeing couples the next day. That’s shady. And it’s not uncommon. It’s important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they’ve treated similar clients in the past.  Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person. A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there’s a high likelihood that you’ll love their therapist too. 3. People wait 6 years too long to find a therapist Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help. Six. Years. If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor? If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That’s NOT something to be proud of. One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn’t work for so many couples

    • 15 min
    Your Kid’s Pee Can Predict The Quality of Your Marriage

    Your Kid’s Pee Can Predict The Quality of Your Marriage

    Have you ever heard 3,000 people gasp at the same time? Back in September, I interviewed Drs. John and Julie Gottman in front of an audience of 3,000+ people. If you haven’t heard of them, what Michael Jordan is to basketball, they are to . About 30 minutes into the interview John Gottman dropped a serious truth bomb. Some new research he’s been doing has led to some findings that shocked the entire room. (.) John and his team were measuring stress hormones in the urine of young children. He found that kids with high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in their pee had parents that argued a lot. He then went on to explain that there’s research that shows that children as young as 3 months old experience higher blood pressure when their parents argue in front of them! “The kids are carrying around their parents’ conflict with one another.” If your marriage is struggling it literally HURTS your kids. Why do I share this with you? I promise I’m not trying to guilt you. I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. Not even the Gottman’s have a perfect marriage. My hope in sharing this is to show you YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST ABOUT YOU! The quality of your marriage matters. It directly impacts the people around you more than you think! So, if your marriage is struggling… if you’re feeling lonely, resentful, or burned out… If you’re having regular arguments, you’re not affectionate towards each other, or you don’t feel like your marriage is THE priority to both you and your partner… It’s a BIG problem! I have no qualms in saying it's an emergency. If your marriage is not in a good place it is actively hurting you, hurting your partner, and it's hurting the people you love the most. That’s why I send out these emails! I want to show you the pathway to having a better marriage today than you did yesterday. Having an amazing marriage makes life so much better for everyone! I literally wake up every morning hoping to motivate you to treat your partner with more kindness and respect. To maintain healthy boundaries. To be the kind of partner that inspires the love of your life to be your best self. So take a few seconds right now (that’s all it takes) and think about your marriage. Is it as good as it could be? How could you make it better - like right now, today? If the emotions in your marriage right now were as contagious as the chicken pox, what would you be infecting the people around you with? Connection, purpose, respect, love, encouragement, and joy? Or something else like stress, anger, resentment, apathy, anger, or contempt…

    • 9 min
    The #1 Cause of Roommate Syndrome

    The #1 Cause of Roommate Syndrome

    Flinching is kind of a strange phenomenon.  It’s not something you consciously do. It’s an instinct. Your brain forces you to pull away from the thing that could cause you pain. A hot stove, a pointy needle, or a ball flying at your face… It doesn’t matter what it is, if your brain senses it as a threat that could hurt you, it will do its best to protect you. Now, here’s something most people don’t know. Physical pain and emotional pain… they’re processed in many of the same areas of the brain. And your brain tries to protect you from both! You’ve probably noticed the emotional flinch. You pull away from people when they say or do things that hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad. You create a safe, emotional buffer between you and them so that you can avoid getting hurt again. Sometimes you get hurt over and over by the same person. They may not be big hurts… But when you add up lots and lots of little emotional flinches caused by little hurts over a long period of time, you end up with a grand-canyon-sized chasm between you and the person inflicting the pain. Ever hear of roommate syndrome? Maybe you’ve heard people say, “We just grew apart.”? This is how that happens. The only way to prevent it is to constantly repair the damage you do to your partner. Especially the small things. When you accidentally step on someone's toes in a crowd, you don’t tell them to get over it. You simply say, “Ooops! I’m sorry!” Accidentally hurting your partner’s feelings is no different. Apologizing doesn’t mean saying you are malicious. It doesn’t mean you did anything on purpose. It doesn’t even mean you’re wrong!  Most of the time it’s about taking a little responsibility, and being willing to see things from their perspective. “I can see how my tone could have been hurtful.” “I totally get why you are upset that I didn’t come home on time.” “It makes sense why you’d be hurt by that comment, even though I definitely didn’t mean it to be hurtful. I’m sorry.” When you apologize to your partner for hurts that you cause them - whether intentional or unintentional - you are giving them the gift of emotional healing, and building trust and intimacy. If you’re feeling distant right now, maybe there are some things you need to apologize for. (Or things you need to forgive.) Try it out… see what a difference it makes.

    • 12 min
    Marriage: The ULTIMATE Infinite Game

    Marriage: The ULTIMATE Infinite Game

    I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid. I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered! I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. It was an amazing feeling. I was hooked. I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it.  I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom. I think everyone has a game they love… Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball. Maybe you’re a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight). Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don’t let it be Fortnite.) Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much. Is it because it’s a great distraction from the stresses you’ve got going on in your life? Maybe it’s a fun way to connect with the people you love? Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents? Now for the weird transitional question…  What if marriage was your favorite game? If you’ve never thought of marriage as a game, you’re not alone. For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work. However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you. But you can’t play “marriage” like you play most of your favorite games. Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking. You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games. Most of the games you know and love are finite games:  They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that’s plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you’re not a real player.) They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks  There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers.   If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.)  This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce. If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game.   You have to treat it like an infinite game:  In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion  The objective of the game isn’t to “win” but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as well   The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage. If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game. Succeeding at an infinite game means you’ve learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy. Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away. Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage: Have an In

    • 23 min
    The Epic Wives Experiment Details Revealed!

    The Epic Wives Experiment Details Revealed!

    Over the last few weeks I’ve been laying the groundwork for the Growth Ecosystem - the 3 fundamental principles you need to have in place to achieve your goals over the long-term, and experience explosive growth in your life (and in your marriage):   Have a goal that inspires and motivates you (just like plants strive towards the sun). Surround yourself with a supportive and nurturing community (just like plants use soil to hold them in place during rough weather). Develop a system of regular accountability you can rely on to facilitate your journey towards your goals (just like plants rely on a steady supply of water… or they die). After nearly a decade of interviewing, studying, and learning from the top marriage experts on the planet, the Growth Ecosystem is what I believe sets apart the most extraordinary marriages from the ones that fail. It’s not just about having a growth mindset! That’s only part of what you need to create a life you love. You are limited by your mindset if you don’t have an environment that will enable your growth. This idea of the Growth Ecosystem is at the foundation of everything I do here with the Growth Marriage. Every email send you, every course I create, every podcast episode I publish, every social media post I… uh… post…  It’s all in service to this mission: Can I help you get closer to the life and marriage you want? Can I provide you with an encouraging and supportive community? Can I help hold you accountable so you can accelerate your growth? So, here’s 2 weird things about me… I think about my death a lot. I’m weirdly altruistic At the end of my life, I want to be remembered for being the guy who helped people have amazing marriages. I want that to be my contribution to the world. My legacy. That’s it. It’s literally what I think about every single day. With that context in mind, today’s podcast episode is about something special that I’ve been working on for quite a while with my good friend, Laura Heck. It’s called the Epic Wives Experiment. Here’s why I’m excited about it. Laura and I talk to wives who feel overwhelmed, burned-out, and lonely nearly every day. Maybe you can relate? (I don’t know about you, but when I got married, that’s not what I hoped my marriage would feel like.) Ultimately, here’s what we want for wives: We want you to feel cherished, loved and adored by your husband We want you to carry less of the emotional and mental load in your marriage We also want your marriage to feel fun, exciting, and flirty again Does that sound good? That’s exactly why we created the Epic Wives Experiment. We see so many wives spinning their wheels, trying to get more done in less time, carrying the bulk of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship on their shoulders… and frankly, they end up burned-out, tired, and resentful. We don’t want that for you. Most women do one of two things when they’re feeling burned-out: Some women put on their super-hero cape and take on all the responsibilities they wish they had help with… even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process. Then they guiltily complain about a husband who isn’t pulling his weight. The other group of women completely shut down. They turn off the physical and emotional intimacy in their marriage so they have the energy to do everything else. They pretend nothing is wrong, and accept this intimacy-free version of life as normal. I don’t know about you, but neither of those options sounds very fun to me. So Laura and I have spent months creating an alternative. We’ve put together  a series of powerful experiments for you to conduct in your marriage that are designed to get you more love, connection, and support… all while putting in less time and effort. Regardless of whether you’ve been married for 7 months or 70 years, you’re

    • 23 min
    What separates the best marriages from all the rest!

    What separates the best marriages from all the rest!

    Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve been breaking down this new idea I call the Growth Ecosystem. The idea is that having a growth “mindset” is not enough to create change in your life. Most people can dig deep and make positive short-term changes to their lives — like sticking to a new health routine, writing a few chapters of that book you’ve had in your head, or strengthening that weak spot in your marriage. But if they’re not living in an environment that encourages those changes to stick, they fall off the bandwagon, old habits take over, and they find themselves right back where they began. Nothing feels worse than putting in a sincere effort to change your life for the better… and failing. Enter the Growth Ecosystem. Two episodes ago I talked about having a goal, or an ideal to strive for… just like a plant constantly strives for the sun. A good goal inspires you. It provides you with meaning and purpose. And as Victor Frankyl says, “A man with a why can overcome any how.” Your goals keep you focused. And when your purpose is clear and meaningful, the struggles that come between you and your goal become opportunities. Last week we talked about how your you absorb the beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors of the people you spend the most time with… just like a plant absorbs nutrients from the soil. Your community will also keep you firmly rooted in your values when the storms of life come along. But if your community isn’t a positive influence on you, these storms can was you away, and you can lose everything that’s important to you. The people you surround yourself with matter more than you know. Today I want to talk about the third (and last) part of the Growth Ecosystem. Can you guess what it is? You’re right! It’s the “Water.” In nature, water = life and growth. If plants can’t access a relatively steady supply of water, they dry up and die. Look at a desert, for example. Life is pretty sparse… until you stumble across an oasis. An oasis can be as simple as a little mud puddle. But around that mud puddle is life! Animals. Plants. EVERYTHING gathers around water. Without water, you whither up and die. Now, think of nearly any are of your life where you’ve experienced real, meaningful, and measurable growth. Maybe you were learning a musical instrument. Maybe you were learning a new skill or subject in school. Maybe you were excelling in a sport. What was the common denominator that contributed to that persistent, and maybe even explosive growth? Accountability! Think about it, if a professional athlete wants to get a slight edge on the competition, what do they do? They hire a coach to critique their game, find all the areas where they’re weak, and run them through persistent drills to strengthen their weaknesses. If you want your kid to learn a musical instrument, what do you do? You put them in a room with a much better musician! Someone who can show them the ropes, teach them new techniques, send them home to practice, then check in on their progress a few days later. Whether it’s a coach, a teacher, a boss, a therapist, or just a supportive friend, explosive growth occurs when someone (other than yourself) is holding you accountable! Now think about your marriage. Have you ever thought about implementing a system of accountability to help you create the most epic marriage possible? Most people haven’t. But the principle definitely holds true! That’s why therapy works for so many distressed couples. It has less to do with sitting down to talk about your “feelings” every week… and more to do with the fact that the therapist is holding you accountable every week to do the kind of things that make you a better partner. But therapy isn’t for everyone? Most people go see a therapist because their marriage (or their life) is in crisis. Odds are that’s not you. So, if you wan

    • 29 min

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