Process of Personal Change Ayse

Addiction is Never The Problem

On the contrary, dealing with addiction teaches invaluable lessons. 

That makes addictions blessing in disguise for me. An addiction is telling you have something that bothers you. It hurt so much when it happened, you don’t want to do anything with it again. Each addiction maps to a certain type of emotion. That’s why multiple addictions occur at the same time. It is not the addiction, it is the lack of a mechanism to deal with these issues is the problem. We don’t born with these mechanisms, we learn them on the way either from parents, family members, good friends or books. If we have not been taught, or exposed to these mechanisms to deal with current or past happenings, we simply don’t deal with them and they fill the whole bathroom with water.

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I am in Istanbul, there is elections today. Head to head, Turkish people are showing that they have their own minds. I am questionably hopeful for the future. Just couple hours ago, I was welcomed at a home who have had one of my painting on their wall for the last 12 years. 

They were different times then. I left my management job, searching for the path of my heart/soul/mind. I joined a theatre group, feeling free and unquestionably hopeful. They were the times of painting on my kitchen table and the floor with anything I could find. I knew this was absolutely what I wanted to do. I was an artist, a real artist with a low self-esteem.

I had a ritualistic way of painting. First, I chose the colour pallet of the background. The colours would create an emotional response, reflect the atmosphere of me. Then I started painting with pastels, oil pastels, smudging them with my fingers. It was essential to feel the paint through my skin, or vs. Let the surface to the paint feel me so they could paint me over, all over…

The third step was staring, waiting for the picture to reveal itself to the eyes of my mind. When they did, it was blazing glory. There it was only available to my eyes, not from this world, but from somewhere else. They were gifts to me and they made me feel as I was a gift to them. 

A poem… Playful, exotic, fun, adventures… 

Maybe my cousin had chosen the perfect name for me from her book; “The Adventures of Ayşegül” 

The unseen world, which I knew existed but didn’t know how to go to. How did it look like? How did I look like in there? Was I even there? Yes, I must be… Did I have any additional powers? What were my adventures?

Not working at factories or 9-5 job, serve to the business world as a machine allowed me to dare to ask questions as such. It was a joy…

I belonged to that world.

The stars exploded, the galaxies twirled and wrapped their skirts around me as I painted.

This was 11 years ago. So much has happened in between. I know I could have done so much more if I had some belief in me then. It took me 11 years to build the belief, to overcome my low-self esteem and to say, this is a “good” painting, now & then.

The question arises “what is a good painting?” Well, I mean, a painting with a soul, a painting which its owner still has an immense pleasure of looking a it and showing it to their guests. A painting which was already painted and was waiting for the artist to reveal the veil.

Some people have that thing, the hand removes the veil. Speaking to you;

Now you have chosen to be an artist or not, that is kind of irrelevant. You are one anyway. I believe you feel that power that speaks the truth about you. It is life energy in all its purity. 

A friend said once, “Generally Artists don't like their old paintings”.

May be, is that so really?

I guess I like them because they are not exactly mine.

Is starting life from scratch really an easy start? Urban life has a jig, still my heart is at the nature.

Picking up random cards from a deck and trying to predict the future.

This episode, I am slightly more sinister. Looking into the main reason of why a man might be browsing porn pages at a translation, finding enlightenment in my kidneys, and passengers who couldn't separate from their microwaves and toaster when they are flying.

Honestly, All of those happened, I am the true witness.

tweet me your feed back, please, chips

I always wondered how the synchronicity works especially with money and deck of cards. 

Wanna check out my blog:  brr tigers: better than my nonsense podcast I assure you:

Blog: https://aybalse.com/exit24

Thread starts with the idea/concept of duality. The line between two opposites blurred in my life long time ago or maybe from the birth. What happens to the artist like me, self-taught but devoted their lives to art? 

Each of us choose to deal with something as priority; some money, some beauty, some emotional well being. It is like a level in a computer game. When that level is accomplished, time to play the next level. Some of us choose to replay the one before. I get so many things in life but that is cowardness, still nothing wrong with that also.

I am back.

Can you share it with someone who you think will appreciate this episode.

Luv u all

Ayse