The Queer Love Podcast

Jerry Portwood

What do we know about love? Find, accept and explore love and commitment among gay, lesbian and trans people in queer relationships through storytelling and interviews with LGBTQ+ folx. queerloveproject.substack.com

  1. 5 HRS AGO

    Claybourne Elder on being a gay dad, growing up Mormon, and the kindness of strangers

    I spoke with with Claybourne Elder, a performer who many may know from his breakout role as John Adams on HBO’s The Gilded Age and his roles in Broadway revivals like Company. Most recently, he has channeled his journey from a Mormon upbringing in Utah to fatherhood in New York into his debut solo album, If The Stars Were Mine. You can stream it on the platforms and it’s now available on vinyl for purchase on his website. It happened to be Mother’s Day, and Clay explained that his son Bo decided years ago that he would celebrate one of his father’s on that day, so this year it was Clay’s turn to have “Papa’s Day.” This may be a spoiler for some, but Clay’s character in Gilded Age looked like he was about to get love with Oscar van Rhijn (played by Blake Ritson), the man he’d been having a clandestine relationship with. And then he was tragically killed! (This took place in Season 3, episode 6 if you’re curious.) I wanted to know what that was like—both portraying an authentic male-male romance in the late 19th century, as well as knowing he was doomed. Clay had thoughts… OK, yes, there is a lot of musical theater talk on this episode. But can you blame us? Clay said that he and his older gay brother used to sing musicals together as kids, and they had a particular love of Judy Garland and Edith Piaf. Oh, and we also talked about the queer joy of Cats: The Jellicle Ball, the revival of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical that was recently nominated for bunches of Tonys. Of course, Clay got the QLP “Big One”: Based on the QLP questionnaire, I asked him how he defined love? Is it the “strong feeling” that hits you instantly, or is it the “thing you work at” over a long period of time? You’ll definitely want to listen in and hear his answer, along with his advice for those who are looking for love. He doesn’t say STAY OFF INSTAGRAM, but he does comment on how we get too involved in other people’s relationships and the way they are telegraphed on social media. He also explained what his older sister said when he brought his first boyfriend home, and how he and his husband, Eric Rosen, decided to become parents and navigated surrogacy to become dads. I was curious to learn more about his City of Strangers initiative, which was born from a random $200 gift that changed his life. In particular, I wanted to know if, in the context of queer community, viewed that kind of "stranger-kindness" as a form of platonic love? Turns out, he’s now friends with the guy who gave him that money all those years ago! We also discussed his latest role as the dentist in Little Shop of Horrors, which he joins on May 26 in New York City. Before that, one of the chat questions was about playing “unsavory” character Jackie in The Wild Party. Clay said he liked playing villains since that’s now how most people typically see him, but his son Bo was not allowed to come see him in that production—but will be invited to see him as Dr. Orin Scrivello in Little Shop. By the way, here’s the complete track list of his If the Stars Were Mine album. As Clay explained, the album tells a complete story, but he did reveal which song was his favorite (at this moment) before we let him enjoy the rest of his Papa’s Day. Thanks to everyone who joined our conversation live. You can find the vinyl of Clay’s album at his website and learn more about his City of Strangers initiative as well. Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.”Plus, find out how to submit your original personal essay to The Queer Love Project. We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading. The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    41 min
  2. 27 APR

    The radical joy of queer travel

    I met Lindsey Danis while in Baltimore during the annual AWP conference. She told me about her forthcoming book, (Out) on the Road, and I was excited to discuss the idea of “queer travel” and how that intersects with our search for love, opportunities for discovery and celebration. We published Lindsey’s essay “Lost in Apalachicola” last week, which is an excerpt from the book, and details a time when Lindsey was traveling with a romantic partner and experienced some unexpected challenges during this unusual camping trip. As Lindsey writes: “I’d fancied myself an adventurous spirit in need of toughening up, but instead I was dead weight. I had no useful skills to offer the group. I’d used travel like a magic trick, wanting liminality to hack my healing, but I wasn’t ready to let go of the past.” In fact, I’d been on quite a road trip of my own when I spoke with Lindsey. I was tucked into my younger brother’s spare room in his new home in Chattanooga, Tennessee. I’d just driven up from my parents’ home in the Deep South where I’d also been busy guncling (I happened to see all five of my nephews and niece on this side of the family during this Southern sojourn). I know the region of north Florida and South Georgia fairly well since I graduated from high school in Valdosta, Georgia. While it’s not a place I particularly thrive in, I do always find creative inspiration—from the storytelling culture to the food and hijinks that eventually ensue. Later that day, I traveled to Nashville, where we were set to host QLP’s first live event in the South at The Porch on Saturday afternoon. I am thrilled to report that the event was a huge success, and I will share more dispatches about that soon enough. Lindsey—who lives in the Hudson Valley of New York with her partner and two dogs and is always hiking, kayaking or cooking—and I talked about a lot of fun topics, including her honeymoon (and why I struggled suggesting destinations when I was an editor at OutTraveler), the distinct needs and struggles for trans and gender nonconforming travelers, and her favorite destinations around the world. I hope you enjoy the conversation. I’m curious what your favorite spots to visit are and if you have any hints, recommendations or travel stories you’d like to share. In fact, this chat inspired me to launch a flash nonfiction “contest” with a travel theme to see what you’ll submit. I’ll be sharing these details (and more prompts) in a separate post, but here’s how it works if you want to get started: (Mini) Flash Nonfiction Essay Contest Theme/Topic: My Perfect Day (of Travel) In just 300 words or less, recount a perfect day of travel that has resonated with you and sparked “queer love” of some sort. It could be an entire day from start to finish, a sliver of an afternoon, something you remember from childhood or an impactful Sunday from last month. We want to know what happened and why it has stuck with you. This could be travel with friends, a new romantic interest, an old flame, or your primary partner. Just keep it short! The winner will have their flash nonfiction piece published on The Queer Love Project later this summer. Deadline: May 30 at 3 a.m. ET / Midnight PT Please note: This will be a “free post” (meaning we won’t be paying contributors upon publication as we do with other essays) but you will receive a copy of Vol. 1 or 2 ofThe QLP Quarterly zine. Email us at queerloveprojectsub@gmail.com to take “The QLP Questionnaire.”Plus, find out how to submit your original personal essay to The Queer Love Project. We pay our contributors, so your subscription and support is valuable! Thanks for reading. The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    39 min
  3. 24 APR

    Benoit Denizet-Lewis asks: 'How much do we have to change to lose somebody we love?'

    Hi, this is Jerry Portwood, host of the Queer Love Podcast. As you know, I’m always curious about how we put ourselves together as we navigate our time on the planet and the stories we tell ourselves as we try to do it. So I was eager to talk to our guest, a journalist I’ve long admired and who has spent a good deal of his life writing and thinking about sexuality, gender and identity—among many other topics. As always, thanks to all who are supporting The Queer Love Project, which helps make the podcast available. We’re keeping it free for all since it offers valuable teachings. If you have the ability to upgrade to a Catalyst Member level, not only will you support this podcast and the rest of our mission, I’ll send you a copy of the QLP Quarterly zine and a T-shirt with our logo! Benoit Denizet-Lewis is a bestselling author and a longtime contributing writer for The New York Times Magazine. He is widely recognized for his in-depth, narrative-driven journalism that explores complex American subcultures, identity, and social trends.I’ve followed his work for years, especially how he’s explored the complexities of gay marriage and how he’s been remarkably candid about his own struggles with sexual compulsion. His latest book is You’ve Changed: The Promise and Price of Self-Transformation. So I was thrilled to finally get a chance to have a deep dialogue with Benoit about it and his thoughts on other related topics. In the book, Benoit explores profound shifts in belief. Obviously all life is about change and how we adapt, but he had a specific question he was trying to answer. So I asked him to explain to our listeners why he decided to spend years researching and writing on this topic at this point in his career. “I think, on the personal level, I have always been interested in this,” Benoit said. “I guess it started with addiction—because I wrote a book about addiction [America Anonymous]. It was mostly not about my own; I followed different people struggling with different kinds of addictions for several years. And I was really interested in this question of who gets better and who doesn't and why, and what's the difference and what are the techniques or what are the personality traits or the luck or what is it that means that some people recover and others don't?” As Benoit continued to explain, his life got better in a lot of ways. “But there were these things that I was trying still to change about myself. I wanted to be able to be more open and vulnerable, both in my primary relationship and also I wanted to be a much better friend. And I wanted to connect to myself more.” He’s been looking at identity for years, especially in relation to his former friend Michael Glatze, who he was an editor with at XY magazine in the 1990s. Benoit wrote a narrative journalism piece titled “My Ex-Gay Friend,” that was influential and even inspired a feature film, titled I Am Michael, starring James Franco and Zachary Quinto. Because Benoit was interested in the ways “we broadcast our identities or hide our identities or explain them to others,” he interviewed experts and others (including his father) for the book You’ve Changed. At its core he was attempting to answer the questions: How much can we change, and what does it mean to change. And who gets to set the rules of what change is? Since I'm curious about this kind of performative masculinity and friendship—and Benoit specifically brought up wanting to be a better friend—I explained that this type of queer love is one I’m very interested in too. What about platonic love with friends? Has there been a shift in that relationship that many self-identified men feel toward each other? “All the evidence right now suggests that people are lonelier than ever and have fewer close friends. And I think AI could potentially just exacerbate that in the sense that people are developing friendships and relationships with artificial intelligence. It is easier than ever now to sort of exist in isolation. And I find that really interesting. … Friendship has been such a change in my own life. I was so selfish, I think is the word, self-centered, selfish, anxious, unwilling to reveal myself in close relationships, which is funny because I would reveal myself sort of to the world. People would say, ‘Oh, that’s so brave; or you’re being so vulnerable.’ But I really struggled with that in my primary relationships.” One thing that Benoit doesn’t go into great detail about in the book is his relationship with his primary partner. As he explained, both Benoit and his father married someone from the Czech Republic, which is an unusual coincidence. “I met my husband when he was randomly working for a summer after college in Boston, working as a lifeguard,” he explained. “And my relationship is very unusual in the sense that we are oftentimes not together. We work together as often as we can be, but he’s mostly in the Czech Republic, and I’m mostly here in Boston, although I’m there as much as four or five months a year during the summer and when I’m not teaching.” The question of why his relationship has worked is one that Benoit is still curious about. “This kind of summer fling turned into 10 years together is really interesting. And I think there were so many things at the beginning that were like, ‘This is not going to work.’ There was the distance; there was the fact that we are completely different people. There’s the fact that we don’t share many of the same cultural references. I mean, there were so many reasons for it not to work, except that we adored each other and loved to take care of each other and laugh. But I don’t write about this in the book, but I do think it’s interesting, the power that I do write in the book that my therapist has been very helpful. And one of the ways that she was helpful is she let me talk for two years about I don’t think this is going to work.” The next bit of insight is on that I want to make sure everyone pays attention to. As Benoit stated: “The idea that we make a decision, that we choose who we’re going to love, and they make a decision to love us. I think we often talk about love as this kind of inevitable thing that happens, but there’s a decision that’s made. We make a decision. I’m going all in or I’m not.” So that set me up to ask the question that I pose to all guests on the podcast and is at the core of our QLP Questionnaire: “How do you define love?” We started with the idea of romantic love, and Benoit took it in a fascinating direction, beginning by stating: “It is a feeling and it is a decision.” “There are many people I love, and there are many people I find attractive and I'm drawn to. So yeah, I do see it as a kind of decision with friendship. There are all these different kinds of friendship that are so interesting, the ones that I text with every day, and then the ones that I could go weeks without texting and connecting with, and when we see each other, it's just as connected. I think, for me, it has been about learning how—I'm not breaking any news; this is not a deep thing—for me, the feeling of not having to perform is what's so wonderful about close friendships. And I think for so long I was still performing in friendship. I was performing everything. I mean, everything was a performance and, ’What are people going to think?’ and all of that. So I think what's so wonderful about my friendships is just there's no need to perform, and I can be a mess. The idea that I can be a mess in front of anyone would've been inconceivable to me for much of my life and is not inconceivable now.” My conversation with Benoit was so valuable, and we chatted about a lot of other important topics. I hope you’ll enjoy listening in and sharing your thoughts in the comments. You can order your copy of You’ve Changed at the link below. Thanks again for listening to the Queer Love Podcast. You can also like and follow the podcast on other platforms, including YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts (as well as other podcast platforms). We also have an Etsy page where you can find some of our merch! The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    52 min
  4. The QLP Book Club: Mac Crane's 'A Sharp Endless Need'

    20 APR

    The QLP Book Club: Mac Crane's 'A Sharp Endless Need'

    It’s been nearly a year since we hosted our first QLP Book Club. Over that time I’ve been thrilled to talk to so many talented authors about their novels and how they intersected with various topics of queer love. But I have to admit, I was disappointed that I hadn’t yet had the opportunity to focus on female-bodied desire. So I was thrilled to have author Mac Crane as our latest selection. In A Sharp Endless Need, the intensity of high school basketball serves as a high-stakes arena for grief, queer awakening, and the crushing weight of perfectionism. Set in a small Pennsylvania town in 2004, the novel follows star point guard Mack Morris as they navigate a senior year defined by the death of their father and an all-consuming obsession with new teammate Liv Cooper. As Mac writes at one point in this moving, heartbreaking and—ultimately—hopeful novel, basketball is "more erotic than dancing" and a form of "f*****g without touching." As someone who has never quite loved team sports and used to be fearful of athletic folks of all genders and persuasions, I have to say, Mac does an incredible job of showing the erotics of bball. Or as Mac stated quite bluntly: “Is basketball sex?” Thanks for reading The Queer Love Project! This post is public so feel free to share it. What’s so fantastic about the queer love angle is that it’s less about a "coming out" story and more about the visceral, often messy collision of desire and survival. I read Mac’s first book—I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself—and loved it, but it’s so different. It’s a speculative fiction novel about a queer mother grieving her wife's death while raising a child in a dystopian surveillance state. Although I know every author hates this question, A Sharp Endless Need seems to have some autobiographical elements, so I asked Mac (the author) to share the inspiration and impetus to devote your creative energy to explore Mack, the character’s, story. Mac shared that they did play basketball in college, but the book is obviously not autobiographical. First, however, we discussed that byline change from Marisa to Mac and whether it had anything to do with the character. “Everybody is like, ‘Oh wow, way to change it up,’ I realized my name can be something different, and I wished my name was Mac. It’s not my alter ego, but it is writing a different version of myself. I realized: Oh, you can change yourself.” Interestingly, Mac also talked about allowing themself to write about sports in literary fiction and how that doesn’t seem like someone writers have permission to do. “There’s still the age-old idea about jock versus nerd. Or how sports are not intellectual,” Mac explained. “This thing was a part of my life for 20 years, but I don’t think I can write about it.” Since the novel is set in the early 2000s—and it captures a specific era of "Bush-era homophobia" and the pre-social media world of AIM and shared cell phones—I was curious: How did Mac think Mack and Liv’s relationship would differ if the story were set today? In particular, would their young queer love have evolved in any significant ways since then (especially with apps, etc.)? “It was interesting to write about that precipice of technology,” Mac admitted. “I did share a phone with my mom. But I didn’t feel any stress about that.” A fascinating area that we discussed with the erotics of women’s sports—in contrast to male athletes in sports—something I had no frame of reference about. “It’s often different in women’s sports; queerness is more acceptable. For them, they’re comfortable expressing themselves, their eroticism, their chemistry, their communication through those micro-movements of joy and celebration through basketball.” Plus, we talked about Sheryl Swoopes (who first emerged from the closet in 2005) and Brittney Griner, and how there are more out WNBA players now, but that a lack of openly queer people in college or pro sports was still a thing in 2004. In the same vein, I mentioned the struggle for Abby Wambach and Megan Rapinoe (who I profiled in 2011, when she came out publicly) in soccer. Then Mac talked about basketball as a form of prayer and playing the game as a type of church (check that out around the 18:00 minute mark). Also, how a basketball season can mirror a Shakespearean tragedy and provides great fodder for drama, conflict and tension. Afterward, we talked about the infamous “bathtub scene.” This is one that fans of the book who recommended it to me said I had to discuss. Although, I played a couple of the audio clips with the narrator, Dani Martineck, who I think brings a wonderful element to the audiobook, I intentionally didn’t want to spoil this scene for any of the people who haven’t read (or listened) to it yet. But to fill you in: On the court, Mack seems like the “alpha”—the point guard in control. In the bathtub, however, they are physically and emotionally naked. The bathtub scene is one of the few moments where Mack allows themself to be cared for rather than having to perform. I asked Mac to share how they crafted this moment, and it’s a great response (you can listen in at the 25:03-minute moment in the video). Mac approached it as a cinematic moment and hopes this will enter into the queer canon of bathtub scenes (like The Talented Mr. Ripley and Saltburn). We discussed so many other elements of this novel, so I hope you enjoy listening in and discovering why A Sharp Endless Need is one of my favorite books that I’ve read from the past five years and clearly deserves to be included in a new canon of queer literature that explores love and relationships. To wrap things up, I asked about Mac’s new book out this summer Perverts, a collection of 17 stories. It’s been described as: “A provocative and uproarious collection about pleasure, performance, and pain, Perverts is an exaltation of the awesome depravity of queer modernity.” And at least one writer has called Mac the “queer George Saunders,” which seemed to pique the interest of several of the subscribers who joined us for the live conversation. Thanks to all who joined us for the latest QLP Book Club. Stay tuned for the next selection, which will be announced soon and take place in June. If you have any recommendations, please don’t hesitate to leave them in the comments or in our chat or DM us directly. And if you want to join us for one of the upcoming live events taking place this spring or summer, then go to the link below. Until next time! The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    1hr 1min
  5. 5 APR

    Ben Egerman on queer archives, a little gay and trans history, preserving generational memory

    By now you probably know I’m a big fan of archives, histories, biographies and exploring the queer past that has remained obscured for far too long. During my latest Sunday chat, I invited Ben Egerman to join me to discuss his “gay little history zines” and other historical work. We talked about the sapphic love stories that more people should be aware, a transgender horse thief, the Black drag and ballroom scene of West Baltimore and so much more. And no, in case you’re wondering: We did NOT coordinate our stripes! Fun fact: I attended a production of Cats: The Jellicle Ball on Friday night, and Ben told me he has his tickets and is excited, in part, because André De Shields, who portrays Old Deuteronomy in the show, is from West Baltimore. I can’t recommend seeing this show enough: it’s pure queer joy! Ben explained how he got started at the William Way archive in Philadelphia as well as the Lesbian Herstory Archives in New York City. And I mentioned my first experience at the ONEArchives in Los Angeles. Plus, we talked about the fragility of some queer archives because they have been destroyed and lost to history (and how Leslie Lohman Museum has a valuable archive that contains a trove of unique materials) “We don’t have access to generational memory as queer folks,” Ben explained. “In the same way as other ethnic, racial or language-based communities do… For queer people, your family is not usually a safe place for your document, and you have to actively seek to create those linkages.” Ben offered advice for those who may want to keep their own paper and photos and other ephemera safe and potentially donate them to an archive. Plus, he told us how he’s collecting and keeping good documentation of his own research and materials. He also mentioned checking out the Queer Stories Preservation Project. Among other resources, they also provide a link to an easy template to create your own zines. I also want to shout out Queer Archivist on Substack as a great resource. Other books mentioned or referenced during our conversation: * Amos Badertscher: Images and Stories * Gay New York by George Chauncey * When Brooklyn Was Queer by Hugh Ryan * The Love That Dares: An Anthology of Queer Love Letters * Secret City: The Hidden History of Gay Washington by James Kirchick * Loving: More photographic history of men in love, 1850s-1950s (podcast episode) * Gertrude Stein: An Afterlife by Francesca Wade And in case you want to download the PDF of any of the zines that Ben’s created, he makes them available on the website. Here’s a link to the “Pansy Craze” one that we discussed. Big scoop of the chat: I was excited to learn that Ben has been working on a book about queer Baltimore and when the book is available I’ll be sure to share more details. Plus, his next zine will be about John Waters and the “queer weirdos of the Baltimore suburbs” became counterculture icons. Thanks to everyone who joined us for this live chat! Our next big Substack LIVE will be on April 19 when I chat with author Marisa “Mac” Crane about their amazing novel, A Sharp Endless Need. If you want to get your own copy of The QLP Quarterly zine, it’s easy: Come to one of our upcoming events or upgrade to become a Catalyst Member to support The Queer Love Project’s mission. I’ll mail you a copy and a T-shirt (like the one I’m wearing in the video). Calendar of upcoming events: * April 25 at The Porch in Nashville * May 2 Jerry will be at Open Secrets Live * May 4 QLP contributors read at Elyssa Maxx Goodman’s Miss Manhattan series * May 9 at the Rainbow Book Fair in New York City * May 12 Jerry will be reading at Must Love Memoir’s reading series * June 7 at Asbury Book Cooperative during Asbury Park Pride in NJ For more queer books that you might enjoy, visit our curated Bookshop.org shelves. The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    48 min
  6. 29 MAR

    Mark Addison Smith about the power of drawing every single day and how you can find your voice

    I’ve enjoyed Mark Addison Smith’s daily drawing project for years (you can follow him via Instagram if you’re curious), and I was thrilled that he agreed to collaborate with me on Vol. 2 of The QLP Quarterly zine. Mark is a queer artist and educator who specializes in typographic storytelling. His work focuses on using illustrative text to create visual narratives through printed matter, artist’s books and site installations. I invited him to join me to chat about his ongoing “You Look Like The Right Type” archive—a 17-year practice with an archive that contains over 7,000 works on paper—and the selection he’s collected for his new art book, He’s One of Those, which will be available later this year. He even gave us an exclusive look of it pre-publication! Before we went deep into more discussion of his artwork, I mentioned that I’d marched in the No Kings protest in New York City on March 28 because, among other things, it reminded me about the power of art, graphic design and creativity when it comes to political action. For example, if you aren’t aware of Visual AIDS and all the amazing work that this organization has helped foster, check it out. Oh, and so I don’t forget to share it, at one point we did go on a tangent about tattoos (and my piercing). Here’s the essay I mentioned writing, titled “Overcoming My Tattoo Taboo.” Among the many topics we discussed was this “straight people are not okay” drawing that I hope to feature on a T-shirt or other merch. Wouldn’t that be great? Mark also explained his illustration style and its development, including the “hairy lettering” that he uses to such amazing visual effect. Lately he’s been leaning into “hyper-sexualized body forms” and “muscle daddies” and taking a quote that “may be innocent and making it a little dirty.” We sure love a subversive double entendre… And this version of his stylized face with hair (a drawing that is also featured in the new zine) and how it’s maybe the “interior monologue” of a character from an essay (this one is included in Anthony DiPietro’s essay, “The (Gay) Marrying Type.” The below drawing didn’t make it into the final version of the zine due to space constraints, but it exhibits Mark’s unique overlay/overlap text design that we discussed (read the caption to figure out what phrase he used). Below is the drawing that is featured on the cover of The QLP Quarterly Vol. 2 (and on the inside page with the message/lettering). Mark and I had such a fantastic time during our kiki, and we have so many other topics I’d love to discuss (including how we both grew up gay in the South), so hopefully we’ll be able to find time to have a follow-up chat. If you have anything you’d like to know about his art practice, feel free to share it in the comments. And if you want to explore more of his work or learn about his artist’s books and exhibitions, you can find more details on his website and email him directly. Thanks so much for everyone who joined during our live chat. Stay tuned for the next one, which is planned for Sunday, April 5 at 1pm ET. I’ll be speaking to Ben Egerman about his “a gay little history” zines and essays and archival research. If you want to get your own copy of The QLP Quarterly zine, it’s easy: Come to one of our upcoming events or upgrade to become a Catalyst Member to support The Queer Love Project’s mission. I’ll mail you a copy and a T-shirt (like the one I’m wearing in the video). Calendar of upcoming events: * April 25 at The Porch in Nashville * May 9 at the Rainbow Book Fair in New York City * June 7 at Asbury Book Cooperative during Asbury Park Pride in NJ The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    55 min
  7. 27 MAR

    Harry Tanner on 'The Queer Thing About Sin'

    In this episode of The Queer Love Podcast, we tackled one of the topics that continues to confuse and trouble so many people: religion. Our guest, Dr. Harry Tanner, has written a fantastic scholarly book, The Queer Thing About Sin, that will get you thinking differently about so many of the myths and misconceptions that persist—from ancient Greek and Roman beliefs to Christianity and our current debates. As always, thanks to all who are supporting The Queer Love Project, which helps make the podcast available. We’re keeping it free for all since it offers valuable teachings. If you have the ability to upgrade to a Catalyst Member level, not only will you support this podcast and the rest of our mission, I’ll send you a copy of the QLP Quarterly zine and a T-shirt with our logo! Harry’s personal history is the emotional core of his search for meaning. In it, he details his transition from a devout teenager seeking to cure his sexuality to a scholar of ancient Greek, which provided the lens through which he examines historical homophobia. For those who’ve read Jeanette Winterson’s trailblazing memoir, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, you may already be aware that England has its own evangelical religious environment. But many others may be unaware of the power of Christianity in the UK. As Harry helpfully explained: “So the UK does have an established church. It does not have separation of church and states as the United States does. The King of England is also the head of the Church of England. And although it’s a smaller group of people, you do have spots of evangelical Christianity throughout the Church of England. It kind of depends church to church where you are. They’re slightly better at hiding in Britain, I would say, than they are in the US because they have considerably less power. Despite officially being the Church of England, the church in Britain has much, much less power than it does in the United States. That’s probably a function of it being an official part of everybody’s lives and therefore essentially forced on the people rather than being something that people opt into, which you have in the US.” As Harry details in his book, he entered a conversion therapy as a kid hoping to “cultivate a numbness,” something I think a great many young people may still experience to this day. As he detailed: “When I was very young, I lost my dad and that made Christianity really, really appealing to me. And I spent a lot of time at prayer groups, which are essentially unregulated in the UK. So you can get pastors and you can get lay preachers who come in under the guise of looking after children and they will come in and they will seed their ideas. And I was particularly seduced by an evangelical group I was a part of. “As I started realizing that I was gay, I felt sufficiently safe that I could talk about this and explore this privately with certain senior members of the group. And it was not quite fire and brimstone, as I think it can be in the US, but the response to me was very clearly: ‘It is a mortal, grave sin. It is not something that you can ever practice in your life and you will have to do things to stop yourself feeling these emotions and these desires, or you will go to hell.’ “And it was said in that very calm, matter-of-fact tone, I think if they had shouted it from a pulpit, I might have been inclined to disbelieve it. There’s something about a very calm tone of voice which really made it seem incredibly final. It took me not too long to become really very mentally unwell following some of the practices that had been suggested to me and also following a lot of literature online as well, which was also suggested to me. These are sort of in the days before internet filters came in for teenage kids. And I wanted to end my life, which I think a lot of your listeners may have similar experiences of in dealing with evangelism. Fortunately, I had a very good support network around me. I think one of the terrible things about evangelism in the US, as I see it anyway, is it tends to be your whole community, and that was not true of me in Britain. “So there were plenty of people who I was able to turn to, who when they found out what was happening, thought that it was not only ridiculous, but actively egregious. And I was saved by those people, but also by the real privilege of being able to study the ancient world, of being able to study the languages of the Bible, Greek and Hebrew and later Latin. And though that turned me into a very angry atheist for a period, I devoted the next few years of my life to the study of the ancient world such that I could do something about this, which that is the substance of the queer thing about sin, which is, I mean, you all go ... I went looking for a book that I couldn’t find and that book was why is it that St. Paul is so vehemently anti-gay? I wanted to know why. What was the reason? If I knew the reason, I felt those calm, voiced evangelicals would lose their power over me. And I have advanced a reason in the queer thing about sin, which I could not find. I could not find that book, so I wrote it. I’ll let you listen in on this fascinating conversation to learn more about why The Queer Thing About Sin is such a vital new text that I think a great many people will benefit from. Harry’s path to healing came from learning ancient Greek and learning how to read the Bible and reinterpret it in a more, let’s just say, “correct way.” It reminded me of a book that was very popular in the ‘90s when I was a teenager. What the Bible Really Says about Homosexuality was a bestseller at many a gay bookstore I visited. Everybody talked about it because they were searching for some empirical framework to help them rationalize the pain they were facing. I feel Harry’s book is better on a great many counts, and it’s certainly important for our current debates in the 21st century. But Harry is also pretty blunt about one thing: “We do have to accept that these biblical texts are really homophobic. The question is why?” As he explains, once you understand the reason it’s homophobic, “you understand the societal pattern that caused it.” For him, that's the real “cure.” “If you can understand why something is, you can rationalize it, you can make sense of it, you can put it into a box and it stops being that thing that you are so frightened of every day because in moments of doubt otherwise, at least this was true of me, you'll be thinking to yourself, ‘Well, what if they were right?’” Harry then shared a personal story about when he was hooking up with a lot of guys and feeling unhappy and wondering if he’d ever find a sustainable, happy relationship. As he explained, he kept thinking: “This is making me miserable. Were they right? Now I can say to myself, ‘No, they were not right.’ But without that clear answer of why homophobia emerges, why it’s in the Bible, you’ll always have that ghost over your shoulder, wondering in the dark times, ‘Were they right? Did they get it right?’ We have to separate out those fears and the only way to do that is a rational explanation of what they were doing.” I had also just finished reading Peter Ackroyd’s Queer City—a popular history that details London from Roman to contemporary times—and it also gets into similar themes that Harry’s book does, so I asked him what he thought. In particular, I was curious about Harry views on the idea of self-restraint and that framing queer love as “excessive” or “lacking control” is part of the issue. As both Peter Ackroyd and Harry Tanner point out: Whenever people feel that there’s too much excessiveness, then a certain segment of the population (primarily, straight cisgender men) feel like they have to restrain it. It’s one reason why so many people who are into the Stoics, and they are promoting the teachings of Marcus Aurelius and saying, “Oh, we need to have more self-control.” Harry agreed that this concept of “self-restraint” is at the basis of much of homophobia and also much of the misogyny and hatred of women. But he reminded me that our next question has to be: “Why. Why do humans do that? And why is it that conservatism—which is essentially the politics of self-restraint and stoicism and all of that stuff—why is that so popular in the times we’re living in?” “There are some very good answers to that. The primary answer is that when things get really complicated, we want simple answers. The second answer to that is that when people get poorer, their sex drives go down. This is well established in the cognitive neuroscience literature and anybody who is seen to be having deviant sex or having sex for the purposes of desire rather than merely for procreation under those circumstances becomes a real outlet for the hatred of the rest of society, which is poor and angry. And particularly so because you would have thought that that poor and angry society would be really, really against the super rich, right? “No, because to be angry against those people is to remove aspiration. Everybody wants to have the supercar. Everybody wants to have the island and the yacht, but not everybody wants to have sex with another man or with another woman. So it becomes that perfect outlet for that rage. There’s a lot that we talk about in the media where we seem to think that this anger is set up as a sort of scapegoating exercise. People aren’t that stupid. This is really important to underline: People are not that stupid. You don’t just sort of set up a scapegoat and then everyone goes running at it. It’s not like that. There has to be a foundational reason why it works. The foundational reason why it works, why the attacks on queer people work is, again, people are poor, people are poorer than they felt before, people feel they have no hope. So they cling to self

    39 min
  8. 1 MAR

    Lynette D'Amico on navigating lesbian labels and keeping her queer marriage alive

    With a title like Men I Hate, Lynette D’Amico’s gorgeously written memoir in essays, you know people are going to raise an eyebrow. So when I invited her to join me for a chat recently, we definitely discussed the provocative title—and all the expectations that come with it. As she explained, many people imagine it will be about right-wing enemies or other detestable people, but the reality is much more nuanced and complicated. Plus, as Lynette pointed out, the cover design also has a shadow title that reads: “men i love…” By the way, her publisher, if you use Code “QLP” at checkout to buy Lynette’s memoir or other queer and sexuality studies books, you’ll receive 30% off + free shipping. Some of you may be familiar with Lynette’s husband P. Carl’s memoir, Becoming a Man, which received widespread attention and has been adapted into a play. Men I Hate is Lynette’s side of their story, and is also about the formation of her lesbian identity and how Carl’s transition complicated her identity. In the essays, she asks herself the question: Can a lesbian who loves a trans man still call herself a lesbian? After surviving coming of age in a traditionally gendered Sicilian American household, how does she make sense of men? What does it mean to love a man? So I was eager to discuss these topics with Lynette in more detail. It was a fantastic conversation, and I learned so much about the durability and elasticity of longterm queer relationships. We also spoke at length about another topic that I get asked about quite often: How do you write about friends and family in personal narratives? You’ll want to pay attention to what Lynette shares on the topic. You can also read more of her hard-won personal wisdom about it in this piece she published on her own Substack: “I started writing these essays to help me clarify my own thinking. Desperation to say everything you need to say about your own story is a good place to start, so in draft stages I just spewed. Which is what you do in a first draft. Tell the story, all of it. Don’t edit, don’t censor, don’t think how your pages will be received in the world. And be very judicious who you share your first pages with, especially as you are trying to work out your relationship to your subject, your own point of view to your subject. A first draft of an essay or a memoir is delicate, it’s a newborn. Don’t hand off the care and feeding of your pages to a brute of a reader, to someone who will slash and burn your pages and starve your creative energy. Your first reader needs to be generous and encouraging. The slashing and burning will come. Trust me.” Lynette generously read from the book, the piece titled “The Stasi Men,” which was also excerpted at Guernica magazine, and is an incisive bit of prose that examines masculinity. Plus, you can read an excerpt from another essay that QLP published earlier this year. I want to thank Lynette for joining me for this chat, and all of you who tuned in during the live conversation via the Substack app. I’m glad I’ll have an opportunity to meet her and other writers and contributors in Baltimore next week when I attend the AWP conference. Here’s a guide to find out more about the activities, events and signings that The Queer Love Project is hosting. We’ll be publishing a a new essay on Wednesday but you’ll also be invited to join us for some live communications—so I hope you’ll join us! The Queer Love Project is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Queer Love Project at queerloveproject.substack.com/subscribe

    47 min

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What do we know about love? Find, accept and explore love and commitment among gay, lesbian and trans people in queer relationships through storytelling and interviews with LGBTQ+ folx. queerloveproject.substack.com