Mama Prays: Pursuing Holiness as a Catholic Mom Samantha Stephenson

People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant.
He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.”
And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.
— Mark 10:13-16
One of the first blog posts I ever wrote was an earnest, idealistic piece on the importance of bringing our children to Mass. Several years and four kids later, those sentiments are as obsolete as that first blog. My own words pop into my head and my stomach churns — bloated from years of weekly humble pie.
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 When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been ill for a long time, he said to him, “Do you want to be well?”
The sick man answered him, “Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; while I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me.”
Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your mat, and walk.” Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked.
— John 5:6-9

Several months ago, I was enveloped in the deep blackness of my autoimmune disorder. I had lived for several years with minimal symptoms following my diagnosis, but this past fall, it sucked me under.
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Our youngest son was the quietest in the womb. “Have you felt the baby move today?” my nurses would ask at our prenatal appointments. “No,” I’d reply, “But that’s not unusual for him.”
That stillness did not last. 
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It’s quiet in the dark, except for the screaming. I hold my one-year-old, skin hot from fever, as he writhes against me. “No, no” he cries, little hands trying to force me away. He wants neither down nor up.  I’m used to being the touch that soothes - a useless gift when everything hurts. 
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I laugh as the line turns pink. Earlier this week, I told my husband that although we had been trying to conceive our second child for a few months, just one week of juggling night school, full-time teaching, and taking care of our 2-year-old daughter had made me reconsider.
I wanted to postpone through this last semester of graduate school. Now, I can only laugh as I unceremoniously hand the test to my husband. His laugh echoes mine as he places his hands on my belly. “Another baby,” he whispers. We lock eyes and the reality of the life inside me takes hold. My narrow plans evaporate, love already blossoming.

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“Mommymommmymommy!” The breathless stringing together of my title is familiar, but the urgency with which my daughter calls is uncharacteristic. Her voice is laced with fear, so I rush into her room. The light of the early morning creeps into her room. It’s not enough to eliminate the darkness, just enough to cast deep shadows. 

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