First, determine whether a sexless marriage bothers you
What’s essential for you and your partner, besides figuring out whether you meet a specific frequency, is to define what sex means to each other. Stop relying on internet stories or other couples’ experiences to dictate what’s “normal.”
No one, except for the individuals in the relationship, should decide if being in a sexless partnership is concerning. Everyone is different. If you and your partner are content with having sex every quarter or once a year, then that’s fine.
But if one of you is feeling hurt from not having your sexual needs met, then this is a sign the relationship agreement isn’t working and needs to be modified.
Sometimes an escalation in fantasies or actions can be a result of feeling less intimate with your partner. For example, if you’re starting to feel resentful and fantasizing about having sex with your co-worker, it might be because you haven’t connected physically with your partner for a while.
Dr. Becker-Warner outlines other factors to consider:
You can’t remember the last time you and your partner enjoyed sexual intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is the last thing you want to think about, or your heart hurts when considering the state of sexual intimacy with your partner.
There’s hesitancy and/or avoidance of initiating physical touch, either because of the potential rejection or the possibility that it’ll lead to unwanted sex.
Other forms of intimacy (touching, love languages, etc.) are also lacking in your relationship.
You feel disconnected from your partner.
You feel that sex is only when the genitals (particularly the penis and penetration) are involved.
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