Welcome to Real Movies with REAL Men, the worlds FIRST and ONLY movie talkshow podcast!
REAL Men! Assemble!
The world is in complete peril right now! Plagued by factory line superhero movies, horribly needless remakes, and the ever so dreaded Adam Sandler “films”. Is there no silence to this madness?! Or should you stop delaying the inevitable and just slice open those wrists right now?!
Well guess what idiot! We’re here to help. Because what this world needs most right now is REAL men complaining about things they hate on a digital medium.
Never more will you have to listen to that annoying coworker prattle on about how it’s unfair that the Fast and Furious movies never get nominated for an Oscar. You know, the same coworker that you wonder how our education system ever let slip through, and also get stricken with fear as you realize they have like three kids that they're raising.
Whenever these wastes of life start flapping their mouths, just plug in your headphones and let your ears be jerked off by the soothing sound of us! REAL men verbally abusing real movies like they’re a housewife that just overcooked dinner.
So now that I’ve won EVERYONE over with a joke about domestic abuse, make sure to tune in bi-weekly (or whenever we get around to it) and spray poison all over every movie that gets in our way!
What's the difference between an R-rated Action movie and a PG13 one? I'll give you a hint, one is a boring piece of crap and the other is R-rated.
Other topics include:
-People who clap in the movie theatre, as if the director can hear them
-Why anyone who doesn't like Back To The Future is a complete scumbag
-Why not all Anime fans are perverts...but ALL perverts are Anime fans.
Rants about shouting in the movie theatre and masturbating in the shower.
Episode #62 – The Back To The Future Sequels
What would you do if you had a time machine?
The number one answer that everyone says is go back in time and kill baby Hitler. But I’ve been thinking about it and I don’t think that’s the best approach.
Beyond the fact that most people don’t have it in them psychologically to kill a baby, have we not learned anything from Doc Browns constant rantings about the unforeseen consequences of altering the natural course of history that he himself is repeatedly contradicting throughout the course of the franchise?
I have to be honest though, I don’t really care about any of that stuff, but if I had access to time travel I still don’t think I would prevent Hitler from committing such an atrocity. I would however redirect the atrocity towards a more deserving crowd.
I don’t really have any problem with the Jews, but there is another crowd of people fixated on money that I would try to direct Hitler’s angst towards in hopes to fill up them camps with. And that’s people who brag about how they don’t use a wallet.
What the fuck kind of principle is this to be proud of!? Who gives a shit!? This has to be the lamest personal achievement to be bragging about I could possibly think of.
I’m so fucking sick of hearing the false sense of accomplishment in their voice as they brag about this. As if it somehow makes you better than everyone else that instead you just jam wads of cash, cards, receipts, and whatever into your pocket like a fucking child with bubblegum and pogs or whatever else the kids are into these days.
Lets do better than just stop Hitler with a time machine. Lets use this as an opportunity. Lets use his powers of persuasion for good. Lets rid the planet of the actual people that need to die.
What I wouldn’t give to go back in time and get Hitler to station his goons outside the store waiting for people to buy money clips and then casually and calmly direct them into a fucking gas chamber. To hell with the unforeseen consequences, lets roll the dice!
Boy am I going to have egg on my face if all the people buying money clips turn out to be Jews…
Episode #61 – Tiptoes, Throwing Bums Out On The Street Where They Belong
You know when you have an argument with someone, and then 2 days later you’re still thinking up better retorts in the shower that you wish you had said?
I was hoping for one of those on this week’s episode about complaining about my roommate.
My brain really let me down this time. I literally have nothing else to say because I so fully expressed it in my 45-minute rant on this episode. All the chips are down on the table. All the hot gossip is meticulously explored. We’re the Socrates of complaining about homeless bums baby!
Also, here’s a picture of Gary Oldman from Tiptoes dressed in Midgetface:
Episode #60 – Black Panther
Meeoww, this kitty has claws.
Is cat face wrong? Are these super furries? Does the cast of Real Movies enjoy a good CGI floor? Does this film do justice to everyone’s favorite issue nobody has seen, The Panther vs The Klan?
Would a Black Panther movie shot in the rural south, where the Panther f***s up a bunch of Klansman, been a better movie? Probably.
Some of this and more on today’s episode of Real Movies with Real Men!
Episode # 59 – The Last Airbender
Can we please make childface a thing?
You know, having an fully grown adult present themselves as a caricature of a young child. Like blackface, but this way we don’t have to deal with watching a movie with a child protagonist.
I bitch about a lot of reoccurring things in movies. CGI, zoom-in shaky cam, 3D, high frame rate, James Franco. But none of these are the worst offender out there.
See, when I first mentioned a comparison to blackface above, I’m sure that got some shudders from a few of you. Why would I be advocating favorably for something comparable to blackface!? You see, people like the black community, but nobody likes children. So childface should be fully endorsed by all.
A bad child actor will ruin even the best movies, but I’m starting to think maybe it’s not just the bad ones. Maybe we just need to keep all children out of prominent/speaking roles. Leave them with just the on-screen death roles.
Sure if we take the role of an 8 year old character and give it to Ryan Gosling, or as I call him The Gosler, it would be horribly unconvincing and completely take you out of the movie. But is it any worse than this!?
Ya that’s what I thought.
Nobody likes children. Nobody. Not even their own.
I’ve had this theory regarding the “breastfeeding in public” debate for a while. You know the argument of whether mothers breastfeeding in public is considered acceptable or not. I always hear from people in favor of it that you shouldn’t be so stuck up about seeing a boob being used for its natural intended purpose.
But I don’t think those people fully understand where the opposition is coming from. You see nobody has a problem about seeing tits in public, I think it’s actually the end goal of all civilized societies. The problem is seeing your disgusting child in public.
Yuck, gross. Put that shit away. Leave it at home. Anything, do anything but parade around your stoopid baby for the rest of us to see.
And it’s the same with kids on screen. Keep ’em away. Embrace childface.
AFTER THE CREDITS BONUS CONTENT!
Here’s the pictures of Snitchard controlling video games with his mind from the story told on the episode.
Episode #58 – iRobot, Videotaping Yourself Masturbating And Watching It As Pornography
Prude Is The New Pervert
I never thought I’d be able to top Snitchard for bizarre, shocking sexual stories, but today the unimaginable happened.
By trying to be a good “American-Christian” teenager, keeping my lustful thoughts at bay, I’ve turned into the most perverted person in modern society.
It turns out, the best way to be scandalous to degenerates like Snitchard and Andy is to just…not have sex. Just goes to show how twisted modern society is!
Truth-bending like this, and more, in today’s episode!
Episode #57 – The Rocky Franchise aka Sawsgiving 2.5
Just what the hell do I have to say to get this podcast at the center of some outrage!?
This week some kid gets seen standing while wearing a red hat and everyone loses their fucking mind. Meanwhile Muller and I put forth our best effort every episode to mock and belittle every oppressed social group we can think of and nothing!
Where’s the respect? Do I need to sell out this quickly?
Week by week this podcast sits at about 7 regular listeners and 200ish dummy account downloads that I pay some Asian guy to gin up, to eventually sell the podcast to the Chinese market. Years spent working toward that eventual 300 dollars and so far no response from China at all!
What do I have to do? Is it the red hats? Is that all it takes?
I constantly get told we need some kind of Joe Rogan style video feed to get more attention and I always assume they’re retarded for thinking I’m motivated enough to put even the slightest bit of effort into making this podcast into something. But perhaps they are right.
Nobody really cares to listen to the constant hate speech we espouse week to week, but they sure as fuck would if they could see we were wearing red hats while doing so.
So, much like Rocky, we’re going to get back up and keep moving forward, or some other Rocky-themed analogy that will surely tie this rant into what the episode is actually about. So say goodbye to edgy attempts at intentionally pushing people’s buttons, and hello to sitting quietly in front of a camera while wearing red hats. I can already smell the intoxicating fumes of those sweet sweet China dollar bills.
Braden is the best
Ironic Title is Ironic
At first I was going to complain about the lack of real men on this podcast, and the fact that Muller can't seem to comprehend composting (hint: you can use whatever size can inside the house you want, just put it in the green bin when it goes out) but FINALLY with the Hot Fuzz episode Muller gets his act together with a great intro followed up by admitting his love for BBW. If I wasn't on board before, I am now!
Basic summary of the huge review I just wrote and lost:
Hosts have fun with eachother, and are pretty hilarious. They are all clearly intelligent, if somewhat misguided. Andy is smart, but superior, with little to no ability to empathize. He could be a sociopath. Muller is ignorant, awkward, and generally talks too much, but is entertaining in the way that he crashes the podcast like Nascar is entertaining just for the crashes: "Is Wonder Woman Canadian"? Braden is the seemingly harmless dude with the cute laugh. He's very likable, and has very good recollection of specific movies and stuff like that. I think he needs to talk a little more.
As a sidenote: they are terrible humans for complaining about recycling, and they claim to hate nerds, but they are all clearly nerds. I left super entertained, but wondering when they would reveiw movies I actually cared about.