S01 E016 Jesse Barnard on Addiction, Abandonment and Recovery The Journeys We Take Podcast with Jen Craig-Evans

Collectively, we are in a time of distress. We are tired, burned out even, and trying to get through an impossible time with an inconclusive end date. One year into the global pandemic, stories of the impact on our mental health is surfacing while we all try to do our part in this thing called covid. Many have turned to wine'd down culture and self medicating. And yet, many have also turned to using this time to commit to sobriety. Jesse's story is about the latter. It is a story of distress during childhood, feelings of abandonment, finding community in unconventional and often judged places, and his ultimate journey to recovery. Here's a bit about Jesse's story in his own words. Tune in to his episode to hear it all, from start to finish. Trigger Warning: Discussion of substance misuse and active addiction 'I grew up in a Christian home with a loving family who did everything for me. But that doesn’t stop the disease of addiction. Growing up in a world where I didn’t feel seen was scary. I felt there were walls around me that seemed to allow things in but never out. As time went on, I felt like I was suffocating. When my body felt like it couldn’t take what was going on in my head any longer, I found opiates to numb the pain. This new drug gave me a sense of light and comfort within my dark, lonely walls. Once the substance hit, my mind felt free. Years went on with no hesitation of my self prescribing ways. I was 18 years old when I was introduced to IV use. As soon as the needle hit my vein, the drugs rushed in and my body sat still. It felt like the seas were rising and the clouds were falling all for me. When I turned 20 I decided to move to Vancouver BC. At this time I had no idea but I was already in full addict mode. I couldn’t control my obsessive behaviours. Without even knowing where I was headed I ended up at Hastings and Main. This is where I would find my peace, my people. It may be hard for others to understand, but this was my community. And trusting in other addicts saved my life. I was lost there for 6 suffocating years in the grip of that places’ strength. It was an ultimatum from my mom, plus a knowing that I couldn’t continue to survive the way I was going that spurred the decision to move back to Ontario. I got back together with the same girl who made my walls crumble down at 15. We truly believed we needed each other. Both damaged and in desperate need of love, we clung on tight. We ended up getting married and divorced within a year. I needed to get honest with myself. I finally asked for help and checked into treatment. I accepted my fate. The times where I felt the suffocation of those walls growing higher and denser all seemed like a bad dream. I decided to start letting people in to help me move through the uncomfortable feelings. The more honest I became with myself, the more of a connection I felt. Believing in a higher power was essential in my recovery. I’ve grown to love the person I am. They say we come into the program with no self worth and in time get it back. For me, walking away from something I loved so much but able to see clearly that it was destroying my spirt was the greatest gift I could have given myself. The more I bring gratitude and acceptance into my life the more I am connected to a power greater than me.' You can connect with Jesse via Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jesse.barnard.16 Or by email: jessestephenbarnard@gmail.com