Learn the secrets of saving a troubled marriage, and the methods to improve any marriage. Join Dr. Lee Baucom as he explores practical ways to save a marriage. Gain the understanding and tools you need in order to successfully solve your relationship problems with love and respect.
Rewriting The Past
Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that?
We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times.
When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection.
We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been.
If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it. The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection.
Let's talk more about this in the podcast below:
Connection And Marriage
Perceptions In Marriage
Fears In Marriage
Restoring Your Marriage
Marriage Lie #5: Your Spouse Should Make You Happy
You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy.
No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy.
Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy.
There is only one (little) problem with this… it is impossible!
You can’t make your spouse happy. And your spouse can’t make you happy.
Sure, you can certainly make each other miserable. But happy? Nope. Not possible.
Even if you thought you made each other happy before. Sure, you may have been happy. And your relationship may have seemed to be a source of joy. But your spouse couldn’t and didn’t make you happy (nor could/did you make your spouse happy).
It is an impossibility. But it is one of the major lies people believe about marriage.
Which is why people are in trouble when they realize that a spouse is not making them happy. Instead of seeing it for what it is… a lie… they think it is a failure of the spouse — even of the marriage! Proof that the marriage is headed for failure.
Except, it was all a lie. Not the marriage! The belief that a spouse would make you happy (and vice versa).
Don’t believe the lie! Learn the truth in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.
Lie #1: If It’s Work, It’s Wrong
Lie #2: Spouse Should Meet Your Needs
Lie #3: Disagreement Is A Sign Of Trouble
Lie #4: Marriage Is 50/50
Grab The Save The Marriage System
Marriage Lie #4: Marriage is 50 / 50
Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right?
Nope. Just another marriage lie.
Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed. So, actions are taken on a false belief.
For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal partnership… and you decide your spouse is not putting in their 50, then you have reason for upset. Reason for demands. Reason for feeling taken advantage of.
Here is the TL;DR: marriage is NOT 50/50. It is all in/all in.
But to understand more about why marriage is not 50/50… and to discover what it really is… and how that changes things, listen to the episode below.
Lie #1: If you struggle, it’s wrong
Lie #2: Your spouse should meet all your needs
Lie #3: Conflict is a sign of trouble
Immutable Laws of Marriage Series
Grab the Save The Marriage System
Marriage Lie #3: Conflict Means Its Wrong
If you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right?
No. Not at all. But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem. Just one that can be improved. Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict.
That is the danger of this particular lie. It causes people to give up, since there is conflict, rather than working through.
I don’t meet too many people that like conflict. Most either avoid it or handle it poorly. And many see conflict as a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship.
Fact is, conflict is an inevitable part of even the healthiest relationship. In fact, the total lack of conflict may indicate just as much of a problem as too much conflict. Put two people together who join their futures and there are going to be differences of opinion. Different perspectives and different priorities. And those differences must be addressed.
The question is really how you do conflict, not if you have conflict. Does the conflict serve your relationship or sever your relationship?
Learn more about this lie of marriage in the Save The Marriage Podcast. Listen below.
Role of Conflict
Myths of Marriage
Save The Marriage System
Lie #2: “Meet My Needs!"
A spouse should complete you… right?
Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right?
And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right?
In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your needs (never mind meeting the needs of your spouse).
First, please don’t go all “Then the opposite is true??” on me. No, I am not saying your spouse should not mean ANY of your needs.
I AM saying your spouse can’t meet ALL of your needs.
Did you say, “Of course not”? And yet, many marriages get into trouble over the needs one accuses the other of NOT meeting. If THAT needs is not getting met, THEN there is a problem. But if you extrapolate a bit, that ends up being an argument that a spouse should meet ALL the needs.
Here is the other problem: if you think they should meet all of your needs, you may also believe that those needs should just be know. After all, if you have to ask, it doesn’t feel the same… right?
Oops. Another trap. Assuming your spouse should meet all of your needs, and should know them—and how to meet them— is a recipe for misery on both parts.
So, what is the answer? Listen to this episode to find out the truth about needs and marriage.
Lie #1: If It’s Work, It’s Wrong
Why Connection Matters
Levels of Connection
Save The Marriage System
Marriage Lie: “If It’s Work, It’s Wrong"
“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?"
He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave.
I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!"
He stopped, looked back at me, and said, “You have 10 minutes to prove me wrong."
This wasn’t the only time I have encountered this lie. And let me be fair: he wasn’t meaning to lie to me. But he was. In reality, though, he was repeating a lie he believed. There is nothing so dangerous as a lie that we believe, but is entirely false!
My client was ready to leave his marriage because he believed the lie.
In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I start a series on the Lies of Marriage. These lies are things people believe (and act on, because they believe them) that are false, untrue… a lie. But when they take on a life of their own, they unnecessarily destroy marriages.
In this first episode, I tackle the lie, “If you have to work on it, the marriage is wrong.”
Who I am and Why I do What I do
The Truth About Conflict
Save The Marriage System
Customer ReviewsSee All
I started listening to this podcast just before Christmas when I was about to give up on a 41 year marriage. Now, while my marriage is still in jeopardy, I have the tools and motivation to work and try to make it what it was. This is one of the best, if not the best podcast in this genre. If you are having marital problems listen.
wow, so good.
I just started listening and finding so much helpful info. Wish i had found this years ago. Makes so much sense. Thank you greatly Dr. Baucom
I had listened to many podcasts before finding this one and nothing compares. Not only has my marriage greatly improved from this series but I have noticed a huge difference in my outlook towards life in general. Thank you for all your help!! I look forward to hearing new ones each week.