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Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After
In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.
David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. 
What is Grief?
Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.
Part I – Every Loss Has Meaning
Chapter #1 What is Meaning?
The person who sees death as sacred has found a way to find meaning in it. Pg 14
Kessler references Victor Frankl’s cornerstone work, Man’s Search for Meaning. Kessler says that this book is a beacon for those who wonder how meaning can emerge from tragedy… Frankl suggested that when we are faced with a situation that is hopeless and unchangeable, “we are challenged then to change ourselves”. When we make the choice to change ourselves, we can turn tragedy into an occasion for growth.  Pg 14
The hope that we find in individual situations of grief leads to a life full of meaning. As we move from one grief to the next, one disappointment to the next all the while we are challenged to change.
Grief doesn’t get smaller over time, we get bigger. Pg 15
Pain, death, and loss never feel good, but they’re unavoidable in our lifetime. Yet the reality is posttraumatic growth happens more than posttraumatic stress. 15
Whenever you find it, meaning matters, and meaning heals. Pg15
 Vision from the great Avengers of Marvel Comics says “What is grief, if not love persevering?”
Chapter #2  Grief Must Be Witnessed
Each person’s grief is as unique as his or her fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining. Pg 29
Sitting shiva in Jewish culture seems to get the idea of grieving. For a time period of 3 to 7 days friends and family come to the mourners home and just sit with the people in grief. They say nothing unless they are spoken too. They are just present for the people that are grieving. This really is what grieving while having a witness is all about. Just being present. Just being seen.
But in our hyper-busy world, grief has been minimized and sanitized. Pg 30
we have diluted it because it’s scary to think about our own death. We like things we can control and we can control our busyness. We are very egocentric and attached to this life. We don't like not knowing exactly what awaits us in the next life. 
Grief should unite us. It is a universal experience. 30
The act of witnessing someone’s vulnerability can bring the person out of isolation if the witnessing is done without judgment. (Great theme statement for AMG) 31
Grief is what’s going on inside of us, while mourning is what we do on the outside. Pg31 
When people ask me how long they’re going to grieve I ask them, “How long is your love one going to be dead?” That’s how long. I don’t mean you will be in pain forever but you will never forget that person. 31
Loss can become more meaningful-and more bearable- when reflected and reflected accurately, in another’s eyes. 33
If the love is real, the grief is real pg. 34
Good interaction exercise – Have two people who are grieving stand facing each other and place their hands over their own hearts. Then look into each other’s eyes and say, “I witness your grief, I see your healing.” This kind of witnessing of another’s vulnerability can be very healing. 

Authentic Grief: Finding Meaning In Your After
In this series of podcasts we want to address the topic of grief. Grief is something we all experience so we want to take an authentic look at this shared experience.
David Kessler wrote a book as a 6th stage of grieving titled Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.
We will be recording this podcast series as an overview to this book and be inviting you to a conversation about grief and how we can approach it through meaning. 
What is Grief?
Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important or essential, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond or affection has been formed.
Grief is something in our culture that we often don’t know how to approach. And until its on happening to us or someone we love. we typically don’t like to think about death or talk about it.
The Original Five Stages of grief by Kubler-Ross:
Denial - This isn’t happening to me Anger - Why is this happening to me? Bargaining - What can I change to stop this happening to me? Depression - There isn’t anything I can do to stop this happening to me. Acceptance - I take this for what it is even if I don’t want it. The 6th stage proposed by Kessler is Meaning.
What does meaning look like? It can take many shapes, such as finding gratitude for the time they had with loved ones, or finding ways to commemorate and honor loved ones, or realizing the brevity and value of life and making that the springboard into some kind of major shift or change. (Pg. 3)
Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for them after their death while you’re moving forward with your life. (Pg. 7)
Thoughts that may guide in understanding meaning: (Pg. 7)
Meaning is relative and personal. Meaning takes time. You may not find it until months or even years after loss. Meaning doesn’t require understanding. It’s not necessary to understand why someone died in order to find meaning. Even when you do find meaning, you won’t feel it was worth the cost of what you lost. Your loss is not a test, a lesson, something to handle, a gift, or a blessing. Loss is simply what happens to you in life. Meaning is what you make happen. Only you can find your own meaning. Meaningful connections will heal painful memories.  Love and grief are inextricably intertwined. Love and grief come as a package deal. If you love, you will one day know sorrow. (Pg. 9)

Introduction
How effective are resolutions?  Do they work?
Statistics tell us that on average between 64-80% of New Year's resolutions are abandoned in the first 3-weeks of committing to the resolution.
In this podcast we talk about comparison to others and comparison to ourselves versus compassion for self and compassion for others. 
Often New Year’s resolutions can often turn into dissolutions, good intentions can turn into frustrations and aspirations can turn into deflations.  
The word resolution if you break it down is re solution - It means I have to come
up with another solution because the first solution didn’t work.
Time Magazine tells of the Top 10 Failed Resolutions. The top five of these are ones I think we can all relate to….
Lose Weight and Get Fit  Quit Smoking  Learn Something New  Eat Healthier and Diet  Save Money   However, there are pivot times in lives. The New Year can give us a new start. Our birthdays give us a fresh approach. An anniversary can initiate change.  
These can be helpful to pause and reflect and then project hope but if we are setting ourselves up for failure, we may want to rethink making resolutions. 
If resolutions don’t work, what is the solution?
Thesis: If we change our focus from comparison to compassion, we may set ourselves up to live by our commitments as a lifelong expression of our health not just a temporary resolution.     
Resolutions find their origin in comparison; transformation finds its way in compassion.
There are two ways in which we compare 1. We compare ourselves to others and 2. We compare ourselves to ourselves. 
We compare ourselves to others
Social media sets us up for this. We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others best posts. 
One of the guys in AMG said the social media is “Air B & B” It is the place that people air either their bitching or their bragging.
Posts either are complaining about others or congratulating oneself.
They are either about being the victim or being the victor. 
Illustration - Comparison of finances 
People who are making $30,000 were asked how much more would make them happy and they said if they could make $50,000
People who are making $100,000 said $250,000 would make them happy.
We compare ourselves to ourselves.  
This can be a very cruel process and we can find ourselves really being hard on ourselves.
There is a difference between guilt and shame. Guilt = we have done something bad, shame = we are bad. We compare our present self to ourselves of the glory days of the past or the ideal self of the future.  
Resolutions usually are accompanied by the measurement of more. The words ‘more’ and “need to” come into play:
How many more pounds do I need to lose if I am dieting? or
How many more pounds do I need to add if I am weightlifting?
How many more miles do I need to walk or bike to be in better shape?
How many more podcasts do I need to listen to be more informed?
How many more lessons do I need to take to be really good?
How many more times do I need to attend church to be more spiritual?
How many more dollars do I need to make to be content? 
How many more promotions do I need to have to be successful?
How many more pounds, miles, podcasts, lessons, times, dollars, promotions… the list of measurements goes on and on.
The word measurement - me assuring myself it meant something
We can become hard on ourselves for not being where we once were or for not arriving at the place we could be. Measurement keeps us from being in the present moment with ourselves. It is always about comparing the present to what was or what could be.  We are always comparing another time other than the present
Resolutions are based on comparison, either comparison to the success of others or comparing to the vision of our “perfect” selves. 
Such resolutions do not work.  So back to the original question, “What is the solution to resolutions?

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.
In this podcast we continue this conversation and give 4 key factors of how to start unlocking our authentic self. 
Michael Kernis and Brian Goldman developed an Authenticity Inventory back in 2000 comprised of four key factors needed for authenticity:
They came up with a technical description of authenticity as "the unimpeded operation of one's true or core self in one's daily enterprise."
People who score high in authenticity are also more likely to respond to difficulties with effective coping strategies, rather than resorting to drugs, alcohol, or self-destructive habits.
They often report having satisfying relationships. They enjoy a strong sense of self-worth and purpose, confidence in mastering challenges, and the ability to follow through in pursuing goals.
The authentic self isn't always pretty. It's just real.
Authenticity Displayed in Four Key Factors of Activity:
1. Self-awareness: Knowledge of and trust in one's own motives, emotions, preferences, and abilities.
2. Unbiased processing: Clarity in evaluating your strengths and your weaknesses without denial or blame. Which is easier said then done.  That where AMG helps me.  
3. Behavior: Acting in ways congruent with your own values and needs, even at the risk of criticism or rejection.
4. Relational orientation: Close relationships, which inherently require openness and honesty.
 

In this podcast we talk about what it is like to live authentically during the holidays. We reference the 8 qualities and how we personally will look to incorporate these into our holidway experience with friends and family.
8 Qualities of Authenticity: 
Curiosity Calm Clarity Connectedness Confidence Courage Creativity Compassion  

In a culture of “artificial intelligence” and “virtual reality” it can be a challenge to be authentic.
Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world. Adam Grant
Living an authentic life with courage is meeting your fear, looking it in the eye, but diving in anyway because it is how you want to show up for yourself. Brene Brown
The idea of authenticity is a powerful shaping force for individual identity, a functional state, a way of moving through the world.
Authenticity is also a feeling, and research shows it feels awfully good. 
You can counterfeit a Picasso, but can you counterfeit yourself?  Feeling like a fake can be a sign of growth, and clinging too tightly to what feels like one’s authentic self can hinder that growth.
We will know that we are accessing our authentic self when we can access all 8 of these qualities: 
Curiosity 
Calm
Clarity 
Connectedness
Confidence 
Courage 
Creativity 
Compassion