Cardinal Musings with Jane Barton Jane W. Barton

Over the past 2+ years, I have presented many programs on the issue of change and the transition experienced in the aftermath of change. There is certainly no lack of relevant examples of change! Seems as if every aspect of life has changed as a consequence of the global pandemic, financial instability, social and political unrest. But recently, I've been reminded of the changes and transitions associated with the journey of caregiving and aging in general. Several dear friends are currently knee-deep in the trenches of caregiving and/or are dealing with the challenges posed by aging. Thus, they are confronted with significant change at every turn. So the issue is forefront in my mind and heart.

When have you learned the most about yourself and about life? More than likely, it’s the times of trial and tribulation that informed and influenced your journey the most. Adversity pushes us beyond our previously perceived limits— beyond our comfort zone. No doubt, you’ve learned much over the past few years in light of the COVID-19 pandemic, financial uncertainty, and political and social unrest. In this moment, we have a choice. Do we choose to be diminished by life OR emboldened? Please tune in to explore the afterglow of adversity—the opportunity to rise to the occasion and evolve in wondrous and creative ways! 

How an individual integrates loss into life is certainly a personal challenge. However, when the world experiences a pandemic of loss, the integration of loss becomes a communal experience. How can we courageously companion each other as we collectively grieve and mourn all that has been lost? First, let’s consider the basics of loss and grief. Then, we’ll examine the complicating factors of our current situation. And finally, we’ll highlight beneficial approaches and resources for a grieving community.

Due to the global pandemic of grief and loss, I want to share some personal stories of loss and the lessons I learned along the way. We’re weary of dealing with life-changing twists and turns each and every day and the subsequent losses. We don’t know what to do with our sorrow, with our sadness, with the gaping voids created by so many heartbreaking losses — individual and collective losses that continue to accumulate. How are we to bear the massive burden of loss experienced in recent years? Perhaps by listening to what I’ve learned about loss over the past 65 years, you will benefit as well. That is my fervent hope. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve listened to several people who are frustrated by the fact that they’re NOT in control! As I listened, I had to suppress a smile since I’m somewhat of a control freak - to say the VERY least! It drives me CRAZY when life reminds me that the twists and turns of life are beyond my control. Instead, the harsh reality is this - life can change on a dime and does more often than we like. When life HAPPENS, we’re usually shocked, dismayed, fearful, anxious, angry, and ticked off! We feel duped by life. But I’m sure you recall the old adage about the best laid plans of mice and men, right? Doesn’t make it any easier. But at least we can find a morsel of solace in the fact that we’re not alone. Life by its very nature is beyond our control! ARGHHHHHH!!! I like my elusion of control MUCH better!

Although we live in a death averse society, you have probably thought about how you want your journey to end. If you are like the majority of people in our country, you want to die at home—surrounded by your family and friends. But the sad reality is this—most people don’t get what they want at the end of life. Due to circumstances and the domino effect of acute, aggressive care—far too many people die in the sterile, unfamiliar, dehumanizing environment of an ICU. So, the question is this—How can we reclaim authorship of our ending?