Lunchtime in Rome Lunchtime In Rome

Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 241 is entitled “Destructive Patterns - Personalization”.  Have you ever said to someone, “It’s not always about you!”?  Are there people in your life that you have to tiptoe around so that they don’t crumble?  We’ll be talking about how to work with that type of destructive pattern this week.  
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Personalizing
* Simple Descriptions
* Taking external events as personal rejections and attacks
* “My fault” thought pattern
* Description
* Overestimates the extent that an event is related to him/her. 
* Tends to be moody and easily hurt by seeming rejections.
* Often insecure and self-condemned. May blame self for everything.
* Others may view them as fragile, overly sensitive, childish, self-centered, and even hysterical.
* Background -Often were rejected or neglected in childhood or came from a highly critical home environment where he/she was often wrongly blamed for whatever was happening.
* Truth
* We are not the target or cause of everything that happens to us.
* Usually what occurs is not aimed at us, or is more a statement about the other person than about us.
* Biblical truth would include
* Rom 12: 3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.
* Phil 2: 3-4  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.
* 1 Peter 5: 7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
* Effect Upon a Relationship - When we take everything personally, we run the risk of overreacting to our spouse and causing unnecessary tensions in marriage..
* Overcoming Personalizing
* Begin by taking notice of incidents when personalizing has taken place. It may even be helpful to write them down. You may have strong feelings of anger, upset, hurt.
* Ask your partner to help you identify the “lies.”
* Practice replacing them (taking thoughts captive) with more rational truthful thinking (think on those things that are true).
* Example: 
Example: a friend phones to cancel coming for coffee because she needs to visit her mother in the hospital.
Your reaction: she probably didn’t want to come for coffee anyway.
Consequences of that reaction: you feel rejected, hurt, annoyed and you neglect to show concern for you friend’s
mother. You may even go on to think she probably doesn’t like me anyway. “In fact, no one really likes me.”
Renewed response: this reaction could be replaced by: “I feel disappointed that our cup of coffee together can’t
take place but my friend must go to her mother. I’ll look forward to our being able to rearrange for another day. I
wonder how I can support my friend while her mother is ill.”


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 240 is entitled “Destructive Patterns”.  Sometimes we have patterns of communication that hurt our relationships. Tonight we will be looking at Polarizing Patterns.  
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Polarizing
* Simple Descriptions
* Only one way to do something
* Everything is right or wrong
* Seeing the world in absolutes
* Description
* Life is viewed as all or nothing, good or bad, black or white. 
* Rigid rules held for evaluating life. 
* Little satisfaction felt in modest performance or genuine effort.
* Experience little joy when successful, since it was expected all along
* Background
* Often brought up in legalistic, critical, or performance-orientated families where there were many insecurities and fears.
* Perhaps whatever the child did was never good enough.
* Perhaps others around them were consistently criticized and evaluated.
* Truth
* Some issues are black or white but many are shades of gray.
* The scriptures encourage discernment, but deciding to hold something against another or myself is “judging” and is warned against - Matt. 7:1-5
* The middle ground can often be acceptable and enjoyed - Eph. 5:20
* Effect Upon a Relationship
* Polarizers have a perfectionist thinking pattern and can be more than a little difficult to live with.
* They may judge the spouse’s performance on the basis of their own impossible standards.
* Overcoming Polarizing
* Take note of your reactions and analyze what prompted your responses. “Take those thoughts captive-cast them down” ( 2 Cor. 10: 3-5) “Think on those things that are true.” ( Phil. 4:8)
* Example: 
Your project is criticized.
Your reaction : “I knew I’d fail.”
Consequence of that reaction: is anger at the critic and at yourself.
Renewed response: If “I knew I’d fail” is replaced with “the project wasn’t perfect but there was a lot of good in it. I can improve it” then, you become free to evaluate criticism, consider changes, and move on.
* How to work to NOT be this way
* Take Thoughts Captive - 2 Corinthians 10:5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ
* Ask yourself “Is this 100 percent accurate?”
* Or could my past hurts be clouding my judgment
* Allow your loved one to have input and perspective
* Think about what is true - Phil 4: 8 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
* Overcome your past hurts and judgment
* Allow your loved one to say nice things and consider what they say
* Note to loved one: don’t lie or distort lest you lose credibility
* Example
* Instead of saying “If it’s not done this way, it won’t work.”
* Say “My way is not the only way; others ways may work O.K., too.”


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 239 is entitled “Appreciate and Request”. We all want better relationships. We introduced a level up challenge a few weeks ago. Maybe there’s a simpler way. That’s what we’re talking about tonight!
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Level Up Challenge…an alternative
* Spending time appreciating
* List 6 areas where you appreciate the other person
* Be specific. looking particularly for things you may have come to take for granted
* Examples
* I’m grateful for your diligence as a provider for our family.
* I’m thankful for your faithfulness and loyalty as a wife.
* I’m thankful for the way you show you care with words and touch.
* I appreciate your sensitivity to others feelings
* Request your needs to be met
* Things you might like to see concerning improvements and changes in this relationship
* Be specific and positive as you look for major items of importance to you
* Examples
* I’m hoping you can become more comfortable initiating affection.
* I’d like to see all cursing and abusive language stop.
* I wish we would not criticize one another in front of others—particularly our children.
* I’d hope that you might speak respectfully to those in authority.
* Share your lists with one another
* Be genuine, showing interest, emotion, and good eye contact, dedicated, private, and unrushed time alone
* Be positive, encouraging, and looking to the future with hope.
* Examples
* It would be important to me if
* It would mean a lot to me if.
* I’m looking forward to the time when
* Benefits
* Sharing your requests helps avoid the destructive cycle of:
* Having expectations and anticipations (i.e. requests) of another person.
* Not communicating these requests.
* But, becoming hurt or angry when these expectations aren’t met! This isn’t fair to either of the parties.
* Exchange lists if it will help you remember some of your partner’s “Requests”
* Practice Appreciation
* Make no further mention of the “Requests” during the next month. (To do so would be to approach “nagging” and actually hinder progress.)
* Make consistent effort to share praise for your “Appreciation” List plus other appreciation that come to mind.
* Look for opportunities to share praise and appreciation
* Privately with one another during daily conversations and private times
* Publicly when in the company of others. like family members, children, or friends
*  In writing with special notes, cards, or gifts


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 238 is entitled “Marriage Check Ins”.  It’s important to work on our relationships OUTSIDE of conflict.  It’s important to check in with one another on a regular basis.  What should that look like?  What should you go over?  That’s what we’re talking about tonight! 
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Growing outside of conflict to avoid conflict
*  Time
* Schedule a time -- don't leave it to chance!
* Prioritize the time -- make it "inviolate," as much as possible.
*  Protect the time -- from interruptions and distractions.
* Agenda
* Coordinate Calendars - for the coming week.
* Kid care/schedule
* Work schedule
* Social calendar
* Next date night
* Next family outing
* Plan for intimacy (if necessary)
* Discuss Goals - monitoring progress and working together
* You should have these:
* Annual goals
* Sub goals broken down by time category
* Budget needs/concerns
* Household major budget plans/expenditure check in
* Extended family plans/issues/progress
* Friend maintenance
* Personal goals (diet, exercise, project/hobbies)
* Discuss Parenting Issues - plan and become united or the kids will "divide and conquer!"
* Discipline issues
* Time with the family together
* Time for kid(s) with each parent individually
* Next week parenting adjustments (who needs to step up/needs a break)?
* What do the parents need to do to help each kid and THEIR goals?
* Listen - give each person a time to vent/share.
* Express needs and desires lovingly
* What is your greatest emotional need and how to meet them
* Where are you hurting and how to comfort you
* Express Appreciation - for "who" your spouse is and "what" your spouse has done
Episode Summary
In Episode 238 of "Lunchtime in Rome," the discussion focuses on the importance of investing time and effort into maintaining and improving relationships, whether they be marital, familial, or otherwise. The episode touches upon the financial and emotional costs of not addressing relationship issues, using an anecdote from a training session at the Center for Relational Care to highlight the high costs of marriage counseling compared to the even higher costs—both financial and emotional—of divorce. This serves as a prelude to a broader discussion on the value of proactively working on relationships.


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 237 is entitled “Red Flag Statements”.   Many times we hear statements that not only don’t make sense but, in fact, aren’t productive at all.  They actually are indicative of emotional immaturity.  We’re talking about it at The Table this evening! 
Pull up a seat at the table and join us!


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Welcome everyone and pull up a seat at the table. It’s Lunchtime in Rome. Tonight’s episode 236 is entitled “Gratitude vs Anxiety”.   Anxiety is more prevalent than ever and for many good reasons.  Rather than just talking about it, we're offering a way to help round off the edges of it a bit.  We’re talking about it at The Table this evening! 
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In this episode of Lunchtime in Rome, Brian introduces the topic of "Gratitude vs Anxiety" for their 236th episode. The podcast focuses on the increasing prevalence of anxiety and offers practical ways to alleviate it. Jay highlights the importance of Romans 12:15, emphasizing the need for companionship and support during both good and bad times.
The guys discuss the concept of gratitude and how it can counteract anxiety by focusing on positive aspects of life, producing happiness and reducing depressive symptoms. They reference scientific research, which demonstrates a 10% increase in happiness and a 35% reduction in depressive symptoms following an act of gratitude.
The episode concludes with a reference to Philippians 4:6-8, which encourages the audience to be anxious about nothing, practice gratitude, and experience peace. The guys emphasize the connection between science and scripture, as modern research supports the benefits of gratitude.
Throughout the episode, the guys remind listeners to engage with them on social media, visit their website, and take their Relational Needs Questionnaire. They also express gratitude to their guests and remind the audience that the podcast is not a substitute for professional counseling.


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