Over It And On With It Christine Hassler

Nedra Glover Tawwab is the author of the New York Times bestseller Set Boundaries, Find Peace. A licensed therapist and sought-after relationship expert, she has practiced relationship therapy for more than fifteen years. Tawwab has appeared as an expert on The Red Table Talk, The Breakfast Club, Good Morning America, and CBS This Morning, to name a few. Her work has been highlighted in The New York Times, The Guardian, and Vice, and has appeared on numerous podcasts, including Good Life Project, Sofia with an F, and Therapy for Black Girls. Tawwab runs a popular Instagram account where she shares practices, tools, and reflections for mental health and hosts weekly Q&As about boundaries and relationships. She lives in Charlotte, North Carolina, with her family. For more information, see nedratawwab.com.

This coaching call is about breaking habitual patterns that are no longer needed. Today’s caller, Jenny, is having completely different reactions to different situations. She asks for guidance on how to be consistent in all areas of her life and change her attachment style. Christine discovers that it is not so much about her attachment styles but about the story she tells herself in different situations.
 
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode447].
 
For those of us who experienced a trauma, or when the worst happened or we got in trouble for something, a neural pathway in our minds created a belief that expecting something bad to happen at any moment prepares us for future traumas and the accompanying shock. The shock is what makes trauma stay in our bodies because when we think everything’s fine, and something happens, our system is surprised. It becomes an imprint in our psyche, subconscious, emotional body, and our nervous system. Neural nets create unconscious patterns. When we are triggered we are hijacked by our subconscious.
 
As we grow and develop we have to update our survival strategies. So many of our survival strategies were formed when we were young. They are outdated. We have updated almost every other tool we use in our lives, yet we haven’t updated our survival strategies. When you have a habitual reaction to something, interrupt the pattern.
 
If you have a situation where you are bracing, expecting the worst, or getting nervous, do whatever it takes to regulate your nervous system. Take deep breaths and pause to break the habit.
 
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Do you feel like you’re a different person in different situations?
Are your reactions sometimes much bigger than a situation warrants?
Do you often prepare yourself for the worst even though usually the worst doesn’t happen?
As a kid, was there a part of you that felt like you were in trouble, and that you didn’t get things right?
 
Jenny’s Question:
Jenny would like guidance about why her reactions are different in different situations.
 
Jenny’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She feels she reacts differently to things at work, in relationships, and when with friends and family.
Her relationship with her parents has changed since childhood.
She often gets anxious at work and feels that she will be in trouble.
She remembers getting in trouble with her father when she didn’t do something right.
She wants validation and love from her father.
She doesn’t feel good enough at work.
 
How to Get Over It and On With It:
When triggered, regulate her system by putting a hand on her heart and her belly and saying “I’m not in trouble. I didn’t do anything wrong.”
Where is she telling herself she isn’t enough?
Give herself compassion and commitment. Don’t give up!
 
Takeaway:
When you have a habitual reaction to something, interrupt the pattern and update your survival strategy.
 
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Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Christine on Facebook
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristinHassler on Twitter
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Assist@ChristineHassler.com
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Sara Szal Gottfried MD is a physician, researcher, author, and educator. She joins me to talk about her latest book: The Autoimmune Cure: Healing the Trauma and Other Triggers That Have Turned Your Body Against You. She graduated from Harvard Medical School and MIT, and completed residency at UCSF, but is more likely to prescribe a continuous glucose monitor and personalized nutrition plan than the latest pharmaceutical.
 
Dr. Gottfried is a global keynote speaker and the author of four New York Times bestselling books about hormones, nutrition, and health. Her focus is at the interface of mental and physical health, N-of-1 trial design, personalized molecular profiling, use of wearables, and how to leverage these tools to improve health outcomes. Learn more at SaraGottfriedMD.com

This coaching call is about giving ourselves the love we deserve. Today’s caller, Nicole, is struggling to give the love and acceptance she gives to her child, to herself. She feels something is missing in her life because she didn’t receive love from her parents. Christine offers guidance on how she can change her story and start loving herself.
 
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode446].
 
Is it possible to give ourselves unconditional love 100% of the time? Is it possible to be loving to ourselves most of the time and catch ourselves when we are not?
When we don't get the love we want, or need from our parents we can flip into the victim archetype easily. It is the subconscious way we try to get love for ourselves.
 
The challenge with loving ourselves the way we love other people is so pervasive. There is an epidemic of people who don't feel that they are enough in some way. Whether the feeling came from inside our childhood home or outside of it, it reinforced that limiting belief.
 
Love is our essence. It's naturally who we all are. But we move out of love and more into fear and judgment as we age. A practice we can do to be unconditionally loving to ourselves is to keep trying and keep showing up for ourselves. When we notice that we're not being loving to ourselves, when we're in judgment, fear, criticism, or shame, we can acknowledge it and bring ourselves back to love.
 
Press your hand on your heart and say “I am loved.” Press your hand on your belly and say “I am safe.“
 
Are you interested in meeting Christine at a live event in Austin? Go to ChristineHassler.com/LiveEvent answer a few questions and offer feedback about your interest in attending. The event will be introvert AND extrovert friendly.
 
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Did you feel unconditionally loved as a child, and if you didn't, are you sad and angry about it?
Did you find it hard to give yourself the love you so easily give others, especially a child or a partner?
Do you struggle with being kind to yourself?
Do you wish that you could have had the childhood that other children have or that your children have?
 
Nicole’s Question:
Nicole is struggling to give the love and acceptance she gives to her child, to herself.
 
Nicole’s Key Insights and Ahas:
Her son is autistic.
She gives her son an abundance of love and affection.
She believes her son chose her.
She feels sad.
She was not given unconditional love as a child.
She feels anger toward her parents for the love she didn’t get.
She feels there is a big missing piece in her life.
She has worked hard to not be a people pleaser and not to seek validation from others.
She shares her mother’s love for nature with her son.
She wants to nurture a spiritual relationship with her parents.
 
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Grieve and release feelings of rage or sadness.
Embrace the love she is getting.
Take the opportunity to parent herself as she parents her child.
Feel gratitude in place of sadness.
Step out of victim and into integration and application.
 
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Christine on Facebook
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristinHassler on Twitter
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Assist@ChristineHassler.com
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.

Brandy Gillmore is a researcher and mind-body healing expert who has been captivating audiences worldwide with her incredible ability to demonstrate radical healing using only the mind.
Brandy's groundbreaking discoveries stemmed from her own debilitating injury. After an accident in 2003 left her disabled, in excruciating pain, and without hope of recovery, Brandy began searching for a cure. Through years of exploring every avenue for healing, Brandy eventually discovered obscure research that changed the course of her life and resulted in a complete recovery.
Now, she is releasing her brand-new cutting-edge book, Master Your Mind and Energy to Heal Your Body, where she shares the hidden research that is the key to her success! 

This coaching call is about how to have a conscious conversation when anger is present. Today’s caller, Megan, values growth and communication, yet she gets triggered when her husband needs space during tense conversations. She asks Christine for guidance on how to process her anger and have conscious conversations in her relationship.
 
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode445].
 
No one communicates well when anger is present because we are in a completely different part of our brains. The part of the brain that anger resides in is ready to fight and do damage. When we are in that part of our brain we don’t make the best choices. We are not in the part of our brain that accesses empathy, being resourced, cognitive functioning, and rationality. None of those skills are accessible when we are in anger.
 
Those of us who have done a lot of personal development work can sometimes have high expectations and high standards of how we should communicate and how other people should communicate with us. We need to remember that we are human. When we are in an argument, or we are not in a regulated state, it is difficult to consciously remind ourselves to use non-violent communication or to take a breath and release the anger in a healthy way or take some space.
 
Expecting ourselves to have amazing, empowered conversations when we are triggered is not an easy task. Because anger is a fiery, active energy that needs an outlet. If it isn’t given a safe outlet or isn’t expressed it will do other things.
 
Christine and Stefanos will be in Vancouver Canada during July and August 2024. If you would like to attend a reset workshop, or guided event contact Christine on Instagram @ChristineHassler.
 
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be conscious when you are in an argument?
Is anger a trigger for you? When someone gets angry, do you go into a trauma response, or do you fight, flight, or freeze?
What is your attachment style?
Growing up, were you shown how to deal with big feelings in a healthy way?
 
Megan’s Question:
Megan would like guidance about communication when anger is present and her husband needs space.
 
Megan’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She and her husband value growth and communication.
When anger is present she forgets her healthy communication skills.
She beats herself up for letting anger take over.
She goes into an anxious attachment style when she gets angry.
Her husband needs space to regulate when anger comes up.
She didn’t see much anger in her childhood.
Her grandfather had anger issues.
Her parents didn’t express their emotions.
She fears losing connection and love.
A past boyfriend had a pattern of love-bombing her and then pulling away.
She is not comfortable with big feelings.
She uses sarcasm to express anger.
She is ready to practice Christine’s guidance.
 
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Forgive herself for dropping into judgment.
Take a deep breath and have a temper tantrum when she feels triggered to regulate her nervous system.
When her husband needs space, actively release her anger.
Remind herself that her husband taking space is not him leaving the relationship.
 
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Take a Coaching Assessment
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Christine on Facebook
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
@ChristinHassler on Twitter
@ChristineHassler on Instagram
@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
Assist@ChristineHassler.com
Jill@ChristineHassler.com — For information on any of my services
Get on the Waitlist to be coached on the show.
Get on the list to be notified about the upcoming certification program for coaches.