11 11 nicole seurin

My story started for me when I was 5.  I was a little blondie in a light blue dress and I remember sitting on the chair in the living room in Long Beach , from that moment on, the world as I knew it stopped.  My Dad said " me and your mom are getting a divorce." After that I don't really remember much except one incident, me and my Mom lived upstairs in an apartment building and she was dating a guy in uniform, I think the Navy.  All I remember is her running after with a knife. Then we moved and that's when it started, the molesting.  It was the upstairs baby-sitters husband.  He didn't do it everyday, only when she left to go grocery shopping which was once a week.  They had three boys and she babysat me and what I remember was 2 little babies in a playpen each.  He would lay me across his lap, make the boys go into their rooms and close the hall way door.  I would just watch those babies.  I would take myself somewhere else.  I became really mean.  It lasted two years.  Those two years were kind of a blur.  My Mom was also a body builder and my Dad loved me very much, but was a deep alcoholic.  I went every weekend pretty much with him, but later realized he was just a Disneyland Dad.  I wouldn't know till I had my own kid and what that meant until much later.  



Fast forward, to 9, we moved away from that apartment and my Mom finally bought a home on her own or with her boyfriend at the time, not quite sure the true story, but when we did move, I decided that I would never go back there.  I swore to myself.  One day, in bed, ready to go to sleep, but able to hear my Mom on the phone, she was going to Vegas to do body building and for whatever reason my Dad was not available.  I can hear her on the phone with "him" asking if they could watch me for that weekend.  I laid there crying holding a Disney book my Dad had bought me. I said I would never go back there, here I was 9 years old and this decision was there, will I say something or will I keep taking it.  I decided once she was off the phone to say something.  It was there that started more than maybe I should have taken on, but I did. About a year later, she was shot during a robbery in the back, face and neck.  She would never fully recover and neither would I.  I am still broken.  I still fight the pain from all these injustices.  I went on to have a very abusive first relationship with a boy and my Dad just kept taking me to the dr to get rid of babies.  I think back to those times, I was numb and broken and in a lot of ways I am here to try to heal that little girl.  I know I am not alone. I just want to know I am not alone, but also let normal people know they are not alone.  



I know there are plenty of podcasts to discuss these things.  I'd like a place where it feels like there is no fame involved, but just normal people and I hope whoever comes is ready to heal and be the person that the GOD/Universe intends for you to be.