Phonies Mari Moroz

This week on Phonies, Mari is joined by Leslie Kumquat (Onnalee Kelley), a historian of the English language and one who chooses her words very carefully. She blows our minds explaining her gifts for seeing words, fallen vowels and The Great Vowel Shift, how the Vikings created the English language, how romantic the letter “f” is and how horrible the letter “p” is, how diphthong is a diphthong, the Fire of 1666, and how the Queen told people to figure their shit out and start writing things down. Plus, Mari offends her, which was to be expected. Leslie even reads some early excerpts of the English language and shares an early rap! We are the history™

Patrick Hoolihan (Sean Dengler), master pasta historian, joins Mari this week all the way from Italy! He left his family 15 years ago and devoted his life to studying the craft with Chef Maestro in an intricate and extensive program. Patrick shares some of his favorite pasta historical facts, how pasta is made (hint: it’s all about a positive attitude) food and wine pairings for pasta and he reveals that the Pope is also the Protector and Guarder of All Things Pasta. He also ranks his top 5 favorite pastas and they discuss their mutual dislike of elbow pasta. Patrick share stories of when he heard lasagna speaking to him and the time he was gifted pasta from Pope Francis and the Pasta Gods at the top of Mount Killing! He wraps up chatting about his journey to pasta enlightenment and becoming the Pasta Man.

This week on Phonies, Mari spoke to Taffy Williams (Matt Still), a tattoo artist known for his unusual methods. They cover a lot of ground, starting with bad tattoo jobs and ending with murder! He explains how he first got interested in sticking needles into people, his unusual relationship with Justin Gregory, a high school friend of his, how he used tattoos for revenge, tattoos over fat rolls and some of his other favorite extravagant tattoos, and how he began killing people while giving them tattoos “Sweeney Todd” style. Long story short, all-nighters are NOT Taffy’s friend. 911 now just assumes its Taffy calling every single time and he’s the first one to get negative stars on Yelp – talk about fame! In the end, Mari discovers that her tattoo from Taffy will probably end up killing her slowly.

It’s been a minute, but we’re BACK. This week Mari had the joy of speaking with Liz Baumtraut (Maria Gnoza), the owner of Liz’s Hardware Store (essentials only) and an expert on all things hardware. They chat about Liz's humble beginnings in the woods, opening a wood plank stand and then eventually opening her customer-focused hardware store! She spills the beans on her three employees, their unique paint sampling techniques in customer’s homes and why she’ll never sell drills in her store. They dissect the rivalry Liz has with Lizzie’s Hardware Store down the street from her and Mari gets riled up… Plus, Mari learns the secrets behind naming paint colors! Hardware is art, never forget it.