Culture Sex Relationships Justin Hancock

Hi Justin,

Thanks for making such and thoughtful and insightful podcast. I just saw your message, and I have a Q that you may be able to use. Which is - why, now that I’m in a healthy and supportive relationship (for a couple of years now) do I still feel hurt, angry, confused etc. about an ex that I dated for only a few months, over three years ago? Someone who wasn’t very supportive and ended up letting me down during a difficult period in my life.

I thought I’d moved past these feelings, and feel very content and loved in my relationship now. But every now and then I hear a bit of news about this ex, who moves in vaguely the same circles, and old painful feelings seem to come back up and are difficult to shake off. I don’t want to get back with this person at all, but I do fantasise about them reaching out to apologise to me, and what I would say back. I also imagine how their life has fallen apart without me (!) and any news that contradicts that narrative really bothers me. I have a good therapist who I’ve talked to a lot about this, but the thoughts and feelings are still there. Why is it taking so long to move past this?

Thanks Justin!


I’m sorry to hear this, it does sound like tough stuff. Feeling hurt, angry, confused are tough emotions and I’m sure a lot of us in the CSR assemblage will have some identification with your situation - I know I do.

There's more of a fulsome written summary of the response here at the Patreon version https://www.patreon.com/posts/104580350

https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching

"Hey good afternoon!

I have a question that could be easily summarized as 'How to deal with "fomo" in non-monogamous/poly/RA relationships?'. (Fomo: fear of missing out.)

And to give a bit more information:
When I was in a polyamorous relationship for over a year I noticed I sometimes struggled with complicated feelings around missing out on (important) events/activities my then partner would attend with their other partner/s. They seemed to also have a hard time dealing with their partners feeling of 'fomo' and dividing activities. It made me think of how to handle things myself in the future if I would have multiple partners. I think there's a part that has to do with unpacking (het)normative scripts around dating but I haven't managed to detangle everything myself and would love to hear your take on it.


I don't think it matters but I'm a queer non-binary person :)


Whatever happens to this question, thanks for taking the time to read it."


Fear of missing out, let’s explore that

What is fear and what are we fearing?

Are we fearing an emotion, such as sad (or even joy)?

What would it mean to feel a sadness of missing out? What would that do?

Sadness, loss, a reduced capacity to act. How can we organise our relationships so that it’s abundant?

If we’re doing abundant relating, we’re doing win win relating. There is no missing out. ‘Making polyamory work for you’

Abundant relating examples and how they might be rhizomatic

Perhaps we also should question the binary around ‘doing the thing’ = good, not doing the thing = bad. What is the thing we’re missing out on? We could all do with watching some more snooker I think.

Do we have to experience everything our partner feels? Like Yoko and John?

Duchamp’s door might be a way for us to find a way to joy?

What’s the very first sign of a SOMO leading towards a place of JOMO. Or just, joy?

https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/staying-with-feelings-in-relationships/

https://loveuncommon.com/2019/09/20/taking-your-emotional-temperature/

My problem is around polyamory and non-hierarchy. Specifically, how to deal with loving or caring about some partners more, or feeling more strongly for them, while maintaining a non-hierarchical relationship style. I currently have three partners, one long distance. One of the two local partners recently mentioned that they might move away, and raised the possibility of becoming long distance. I realised I’m not particularly interested in doing that, and I’d rather break up. I do love and care about them, and I don’t want to break up, but I don’t feel motivated enough to do the work of maintaining long distance with them. But I feel like saying this when I already have a long distance partner will hurt them intensely, and show that I just don’t feel as strongly about them as my other partner who is long distance, which unfortunately is true. I know I could say that I just don’t think our specific relationship would work well long distance, but that feels dishonest when I’ve come to realise that I just… don’t feel as invested in staying together as I did when my other partner moved away. How do I navigate this? I feel so guilty.

Sounds hard

Hierarchies

Discourses

What does it do, rather than what it is

Consensual non monogamy, consent being the freedom to choose to agree and to have the capacity to make that choice

How the decisions are being made

Duchamp’s door

Instead of being a self how about becoming a bush

Lines of flight

"Hi Justin

my favourite episode of yours and Meg-John's is 'disagreeing with people'. I've listened over 10 times. Despite this I still find myself getting into pointless heated discussions/arguments that leave me very upset specifically about trans issues but could be any marginalised group. This is in person one to one, not online, I don't respond on social media. How can I stop getting drawn in to doing this? I'm wasting my energy, but find certain things people say draw me in I can't help challenging it. I have multiple marginalised/intersectional identities and am gender non conforming but not trans myself. Thanks for all the work you put in to the podcast- its part of my self care."

https://megjohnandjustin.com/relationships/disagreeing-with-people/

Why it’s pointless
You’re not engaging in the discussion for the same reason (you might want to change their mind, they might just want to get you riled)
People rarely change their mind right there and then
Challenging is different from disagreements
(How to challenge without locking horns)
Who is the subject and who is the object or other? Who is who’s mommy / daddy
How your role as the other might actually be making things worse?
Thoughts on materialism and what disagreements vs challenging does. Do we need to challenge or disagree? What does it do?

Why you’re getting drawn in
Perhaps in some way they are your object or other?
You might want to think about times when you haven’t been drawn in (eg on social media), what have you done instead. What else might you do or be?

Advice on how to just notice when we become conscious through affect/feeling : emotion : thoughts : actions

Here’s the podcast about Jacob Johannsen’s excellent book
https://soundcloud.com/culturesexrelationships/jacob-johannsen-fantasy-online-misogyny-and-the-manosphere

https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

Just a quick advice episode this week as I feel like I've talked a lot about orgasms lately on the show. But first there's some really lovely correspondence about when you, the assemblage, feel like the body without organs. More of this is particularly welcome! https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

“I often struggle with unpicking what of my feelings is really 'mine' and what's internalised homophobia/transphobia/sexism/sex negativity etc. As a result I really struggle to trust myself, and become anxious, worrying that I'm unconsciously repeating harmful patterns. I know that identities aren't fixed, that we're all constantly evolving and all in relation to one another. I suppose really, with this all in mind, my question is: how do we work towards being authentically ourselves and trusting ourselves around sexual/gender identity? How do we hold space for our own feelings (both physical and emotional) whilst also combatting all the crap that we are imbued with by society?”

Here’s A Thousand Plateaus (free pdfs are available online)

https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/a-thousand-plateaus

Here’s that really interesting podcast episode I think I mentioned by Jeremy Gilbert https://culturepowerpolitics.org/2024/02/03/introducing-affect/ His book Common Ground is really great

Here’s more about Antonio Damasio https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Damasio

The name of the theorist I’d forgotten was Vicki Kirby and her idea about nothing being outside of nature is in this piece I think

Here’s an article I wrote at BISH the other day which explains the different ways of thinking about the self https://www.bishuk.com/relationships/how-to-impress-someone-you-like/

Here’s more information about my coaching service https://justinhancock.co.uk/#coaching and you can contact me and find other resources here https://linktr.ee/culturesexrel

Hope we all found this useful and become the body without organs at some point this week. Let me know if you do!

Justin