You ever felt like your life was full of chaos? No? Well, my mine surely has been! From being born w/Spina Bifida, teen date rape, married young, divorced, RE-married, baby after 40, a couple brain surgeries ANDDDD A LOT MORE!
My hope is that by sharing my chaotic stories, and REDEFINING them, others can do the same.
We must realize how God WAS and IS always there. Let's give chaos a new definition! Y'all ready??
👉🏾 Please consider purchasing my new book-
https://www.lulu.com/en/us/shop/g-hunter-mathews/in-my-feelings-a-collection-of-poems/paperback/product-1z7rqprz. Thanks in advance ❤
Theology AND Therapy (and a primary care physician)
A few months before my first shunt revision when my baby was only a few months old I remember saying “I don’t like my baby and I don't think he likes me either” Crazy, right? Those headaches had me trippin'. But honestly even after the revisions, something still wasn’t quite right. I STILL WASN’T QUITE RIGHT. I would have these crying spells and be completely overwhelmed with caring for him; mentally, emotionally, and especially physically. And yet, I pressed. I was determined to press beyond the pain as I always somehow have been able to do. But this thang wasn’t moving.
I never experienced any of this with the other kids. I reached out to a few other fairly new moms about what I was going through and the common thing that came up was postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. I sought out a new therapist/counselor, one that I felt could relate my new norm. I also have an upcoming appointment with my primary doctor to discuss my concerns and if medicine is the solution, then so be it.
There is not one situation that God does not/is not/cannot/ will not/did not overcome and we have instructions on how to do the same, even if it's with the help of medical professionals and medication. Use ALL of the sources AND resources that God left at our disposal.
The year of a finished yes
I remember posting on social media something like "when it’s your passion, you do it on purpose." I also remember posting one day that God had opened up the floodgates of heavens, meaning that internally the creative waters were flowing and God had reopened my access to vision. So boom; putting two and two together, there you have it folks, … the name of my business absolutely had to be Floodgate Purpose & Passions LLC.
Just break things further into perspective for you, one of the definitions of floodgate is a last restraint holding back an outpouring of something powerful or substantial. So when God opened the floodgates (unclogged my shunt because the fluid wasn’t flowing properly) it opened my portal for some powerful creativity to just flow. I now know that was His purpose all along and the passion I have now is a result of it all. The Floodgate opened, purpose flowed, and passion exuded.
Walking out obedience
I realized that in 2020 I was constantly triggered by different things. From the fear of another shunt malfunction, to being a new mom again, potential marital issues, any and every thing was becoming a trigger. My moods were going bananas all the time. My past was brought to the forefront again because of the podcast and book, and here I was, stuck… again, ughhhhh. I knew it would be a matter of time before I had to get back in counseling, for the sake of my assignment and the remainder of my sanity.
The Results of a Yes
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I was scared and still on edge about doing what the Lord was asking of me, but listen when I tell you all I had/have was a yes. I mean, what would have been my reason for saying no Fear, well there's a remedy for that; 2 Timothy 1;7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. Psalm 34;4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Anxiety, welp He covered that one too; Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me. I think fear is the most common reason that people don’t go forth in a matter or situation. Fear of doing it wrong, fear or rejection, shoot it might even be fear of doing it right and then having the accountability to finish. At that point in my life, what TRUE legit reason or excuse could I have given worthy of saying no to God? NONE. ZIP. NADA.
The fight to live had been won again
Finally, I was on the mend from my first shunt revision brain surgery. I had a 3month follow-up CT scan and everything was back on track with the ventricles...huge sigh of relief. My norm had settled once again. All of a sudden and I could feel a slight change creeping up over time. Alright, keep calm… no reason to panic… it’s just a regular, occasional headaches… everybody has 'em. I finally called to schedule a doctor appointment and was scheduled for another CT scan. I get a call the next day saying that the doctor wanted to see me... clearly this cant be good.
Sighhhhhh, there was a nickel size enlargement in my ventricles (again).
July 17, 2019, two days after I walked into the ER for a simple headache, 97 days after having a baby... I needed my first shunt revision brain surgery. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why God was allowing this. Why give me a baby and I can’t fully enjoy motherhood. Why give me a baby that has to see its mother suffer. Why give me a baby and then I can’t even take care of him.