Stinker Madness is a bad movie podcast that loves horrible films that might actually be wonderful little gems. Or they could suck. Cult, budget and "bad" movies twice a week.
Messenger of Death - BLOOD FEUD!!!!!!!
Charlie Bronson goes to Colorado to deal with that same ol' blood feud when two Mormon bros. branch out into some pretty wild dogma all while Charlie walks around and does some really bad reporting.
Bronson's Smith is arguably the worst reporter I've ever seen (Chris Cilliza at least says something even if its moronic) and I don't understand how anything happens in this film around him. We've got your classic idiot plot here. The villains yell out "Hey it's us, look at us! We're the water company! Arrest us!" while the surrounding cast of characters look at a silent Smith for all the answers. Usually Bronson is a blank slate in Cannon movies but I really can't blame him for this one. Smith is just that slow.
As for what's going on here... well, it's just Chinatown. These water companies are apparently a real problem and probably require some federal regulation, at least oversight. Yet, somehow the villain's plot just doesn't work. Starting a blood feud to gain access to an artesian water source to inflate company profits for a company that you don't own but plan on buying once its worth a whole bunch doesn't seem like a foolproof plan.
While the film isn't your usually Cannon/Bronson banana business, I still think it's a good time. The acting is ridiculous and some of the set pieces are so incredibly stupid (one has a great driving stunt) as well as watching Charlie mumble through his marks makes for a good watch. Don't expect fireworks but do expect some Cannon buffoonery.
Squeeze Play - Its a pickle
A town of MAGA boys get a parade each time they win a baseball game and the ladies have had enough of their bull. Sadly, their anger lasts about 24 hours. This is why we can't get anything done in this country.
According to Lloyd Kaufman, this is a women's liberation movie. I think he might have decided that way after the fact and the ties to women's lib are behind boobie movie king, Andy Sidaris saying the same thing. Sure, its got women in leads who want to be treated equally to men, but these are straight up bimbos. Where Andy's ladies were strong and smarter than their male counterparts (also usually topless), Lloyd's lady baseball team are mostly only in it so they can either get their boyfriends back or make the boys fall in love with them.
Sadly, the movie never asks the ladies, "Why in the hell would you even want anything to do with these tools?" If it had, the answer would likely be, "Because we also suck."
Now, there are little flights of fun here - the over hammering the ridiculousness of their softball league - mattress workers vs appliance manufacturers. The Howard Cosell imitating announcer/narrator. But outside of these little bits, the film suffers from massive tedium, groan inducing jokes, garbled dialogue and people needing to be punted into the ditch.
I want to like this movie, but just can't. You can skip it.
Joysticks - The Friar Tuck addiction story
Totally awesome video game! Jeff tries to save the community center that doubles as a video arcade with the help from his friends against the dubiously motivated Joe Don Baker who wants to shut it all down. Will Billy Jack win the ski competition to save the school from the rival break-dancers?
Joysticks is arguably Greydon Clark's magnum opus. Its all of it. He threw every cheesy bad movie trope he could think of. Amazingly bad/awesome theme song? Check. Not so subtle phallic worship? Check. A nerd with a heart of gold who may or may not be packing heat? Check. Joe Don? Check. Boobs and then boobs on top of boobs? Check. Uncle Rico? Check. Valley girls who just love video games? Check. Filming without permits? Check. Everything is here.
While the plot is a fairly loose save the community center plot, there's just so much more here than that. Its a hodge-podge of 80's cheesy personalities with a flair of nothing matters but helping each other out He-Man morals. One might get sidetracked by the holy moly amounts of topless women but try to focus here. There's a ton more going on than some knockers. In fact, there is so much going on that you might have to watch this twice to really get all of it.
It's a mega-do from us and shouldn't be missed by anyone.
Reindeer Games - Rudy finds his nose
Its twists! Its turns! Its lefts and rights! Its yields to oncoming traffics. Its Acme Fake Tunnels slapped onto the side of a cliffs! Ben Afllecks and Charlizes try to give us a shocker and instead we get the upper decker.
Reindeer Games is such a pile of mess. On one side you've got "that friend" that watches this on TNT one night (usually while wishing they were invited to the party you're throwing but you intentionally didn't because they can't play in any reindeer games, OMG you're a total dick, dude) then later comes to you and begs you to watch it with them and then stares at you the whole time until 'the big reveal' and then waits for you to react - you don't and they are shocked. You're not the type of person who will be shocked (you listen to Stinker Madness and know your stuff) and so you're relationship gets even more strained but you feel guilty because of that one time when you were really hard up after your girlfriend (that you thought was at least a 9 but was really more like a 6 and just had a solid set of cans) dumped you for a bartender for a biker bar in a different county and this friend let you stay on their couch while you cried yourself to sleep for three days about 15 years ago. Thanks Frankenheimer!
On the other side, you've got one of the worst heist movies ever made - sure its a failed heist intentionally - yet it could never have worked. Ben Affleck's "Rudy" isn't the wildcard that throws a wrench into the works - these idiots could have NEVER robbed this casino successfully even if the character Nick (who Rudy poses as) was in charge the whole time. Its ineptitude to a point that goes beyond bumbling. Then there's the "plan" (the one that isn't revealed until the end) and then you mentally backtrack through the film, you find about 1000 problems with their masterminding. It's unbelievably stupid no matter how this heist could have gone. No these guys are all dead, no matter how things go.
On top of all that, there's this tone problem. Is it supposed to be funny? Is it supposed to be dark? Is it a Christmas movie? Is it satire, parody, suspense, thrilling, or is there some social commentary that maybe Paul Verhoeven should have been in charge of? This thing tonally shifts like the day Animal discovers the xylophone, yet Animal is one hell of a percussionist and this is Star Wars Kid: The Drummer.
With all that information - this movie is fantastic. Its an absolute must do and is as crazy stupid good time as one can possibly have and we absolutely love it.
Christmas Twister - Wind Spans and Weather Speeds
Nothing says Xmas like a handful of spinning tornados. And nothing makes less of a Christmas movie than just sprinkling in some Christmas decorations in post. I mean at least have the tornado suck up a tree farm or something!
Well, it's not good. That's it, I'll take my leave of you. Oh, I actually have to write up a review? Damn.
While it has the production quality of a SyFy movie, it exceeds past anything The Asylum can do. Part of that comes from Casper Van Dien. CVD has this unique ability to carry a movie enough to put it in the "do" column. "Oh this movie is a 4? Well I'm gonna have to put it on my back to get it to a 6." Secondly, the production crew knew what they were doing here. They have very little to work with but getting it done with the tools they have is what they do and then they have some fun with it. Nothing looks good, don't get me wrong. But they just cram in more things that don't look good to cover up the other things that don't look good.
While its not a GREAT bad movie, there's definitely enough here that you won't regret watching it. It's got enough stupid dialogue and stupid characters that you've got some moments of true riffing hilarity. You can skip it, if disaster movies aren't your bag or bad CGI pisses you off, but for the rest of us this is a fine bad movie Sunday feature.
Santa's Summer House - Santa kidnaps karate people
David DeCouteau gives us a clinic on how to make a terrible movie in 2 days. Yeah it stinks, but hey! Two days! Suck it, Spielberg!
Gary Daniels, Cynthia Rothrock, Kathy Long and Daniel Bernhardt give us the least action packed movie of all time. Yes you read that right. There is a total count of 0 spin kicks. 0 double axe handles. 0 flying leap kicks to the tummy. Literally there is 0 action. You pulled a big one on us David, you got us. LOL. Haha. We've all had a good laugh now, but so can you seriously add a Special Edition which involves Gary Daniels sweeping Chris Mitchum's legs and Cynthia Rothrock giving Daniel Bernhardt a back breaker over the couch while Kathy Long does a flying kick through a window - shattering Andy's (or Justin Bieber?) clavicle?
Two of our podcasters thought this movie was boring and I don't get it. I loved this movie. It's arguably the best riffing movie we've ever seen. I mean imagine Birdemic bad but doesn't piss you off and still manages to capture the true meaning of Christmas - maybe more than Santa With Muscles and I Believe in Santa Claus. I find it to be a true stinker masterpiece.
Sure, I can see your argument that we have to suffer through 10 minutes and 23 seconds of ad-lib croquet. Sure, there's a "fog" that doesn't exist. Sure, we've got a bit of three dudes in a hot tub. Yet, I find it an amazing Christmas experience and I hope you can too.