201 episodes

Zachary Stockill is an award-winning Canadian researcher, author, YouTuber, and podcaster. His work has been featured by BBC News, BBC Radio 4, HuffPost, The Art of Charm, and many other popular podcasts and publications. Zachary has been acknowledged as a leading authority on dealing with jealousy in relationships. In 2013, he published the guidebook Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace, and founded RetroactiveJealousy.com, the most visited site on the internet concerning retroactive jealousy. He is also the creator and host of "Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" and "The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint," online video courses in personal development available via RetroactiveJealousy.com. He is also the creator and host of Humans in Love: A Podcast for Curious People, available worldwide via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. Follow Zachary on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @zfstockill. To learn more about Zachary's online courses, books, and one-on-one coaching, please visit RetroactiveJealousy.com.

The Zachary Stockill Podcast Zachary Stockill

    • Education
    • 5.0 • 3 Ratings

Zachary Stockill is an award-winning Canadian researcher, author, YouTuber, and podcaster. His work has been featured by BBC News, BBC Radio 4, HuffPost, The Art of Charm, and many other popular podcasts and publications. Zachary has been acknowledged as a leading authority on dealing with jealousy in relationships. In 2013, he published the guidebook Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace, and founded RetroactiveJealousy.com, the most visited site on the internet concerning retroactive jealousy. He is also the creator and host of "Get Over Your Partner's Past Fast" and "The Overcoming Jealousy Blueprint," online video courses in personal development available via RetroactiveJealousy.com. He is also the creator and host of Humans in Love: A Podcast for Curious People, available worldwide via Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and more. Follow Zachary on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @zfstockill. To learn more about Zachary's online courses, books, and one-on-one coaching, please visit RetroactiveJealousy.com.

    "Can't Get Over Retroactive Jealousy?" Ask Yourself THIS

    "Can't Get Over Retroactive Jealousy?" Ask Yourself THIS

    Today’s video is for you if you still feel stuck with retroactive jealousy AFTER you’ve started taking the steps to beat it.







    Read or watch below if you feel like you just can’t get over retroactive jealousy.



















    Zachary Stockill: Unfortunately, it is all too easy to feel stuck with retroactive jealousy. And even if you’re someone who’s putting in the work, you’re actively owning your problem, you’re actively taking steps each and every day to work through it… Even if you’re in that position, sometimes, some people still feel completely stuck with retroactive jealousy. In today’s video, I’m talking to you, if you feel stuck with retroactive jealousy, and you’ve already begun putting in the work to beat it. I have a few thoughts for you that I think you’re going to want to hear. 







    Okay, just one more time to be very, very, very clear. This article or video is for people who have actively started putting in the work to beat retroactive jealousy. If you’re kind of dipping your toe in the waters of healing, this article is not for you. You’re certainly welcome here. I’m glad you’re reading or watching. But I’m not talking to you. 







    In this video, I’m talking to retroactive jealousy sufferers who have had enough. 







    They’ve hit that point where it’s like “Enough is enough. I’m going to figure this problem out. I’m going to solve this and move on with my life.”















    And they’ve actually started taking steps in the right direction, whatever that looks like for them. Maybe they’re working with me through one-on-one coaching. Maybe they’re working with another coach, maybe they’re working with a therapist, maybe they’re taking an online course, reading books…







    And a certain percentage of these people feel stuck. Maybe that’s you, you feel like you’ve confronted this problem, you’re ready to overcome it, you actually want to overcome it…







    And you’ve actively started taking steps to beat it and you’re still feeling stuck. So what’s the deal? Why are you still feeling stuck? 







    There could be a number of potential answers to that question. One of these answers could be that your partner’s past is actually a deal-breaker for you, by your own definition, not mine. 







    I talk endlessly on this channel about values and deal-breakers and red flags because it’s important. I think it’s very important to sort those questions out as quickly as possible.







    Frankly, most of the people who come to me realize that they’re dealing with irrational retroactive jealousy. You know, their partner’s past isn’t that crazy, there isn’t actually a deal-breaker in their partner’s past. And there are certainly no dealbreakers in the present; they completely trust their partner. This stuff is just about the past, it’s not really important.







    There are other people who are kind of “in-between,” where they think there may be some red flags and d...

    • 11 min
    "My Girlfriend's Past Makes Me Sick. What Should I Do?" Q & A

    "My Girlfriend's Past Makes Me Sick. What Should I Do?" Q & A

    In today’s video, I’m going to talk about how to know if you’re struggling with irrational retroactive jealousy OCD, or if your girlfriend’s past is a genuine dealbreaker.







    Read or watch below if you’ve ever felt “my girlfriend’s past makes me sick,” and wondered whether your retroactive jealousy is irrational or rational.



















    Zachary Stockill: You’ve probably heard me talk about boundaries and values and red flags and dealbreakers on this channel before. But when you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy, sometimes it can be difficult to know whether what you’re struggling with is rational or irrational. Whether your partner’s past is actually a deal-breaker, or whether you’re struggling with irrational retroactive jealousy OCD. If you’re struggling with whether your jealousy is rational or not, I think you’re going to want to see this video. 







    Okay, I received a comment on a video recently from someone we will call K. K writes:







    My girlfriend’s past makes me sick. What if this is becoming a deal-breaker and retroactive jealousy OCD at the same time?







    Thank you for your question. The first thing I will say and the most important thing I can tell you in this video, is:







    If you feel like “my girlfriend’s past makes me sick,” the first thing you need to do is get a handle on your brain. Everything follows from that. 















    What I mean by that is, that’s the only way you will know whether your girlfriend’s past is actually a deal-breaker. Whether your jealousy is mostly irrational or rational. The only way you can answer this question is to first get a handle on your brain, and get some control over your intrusive thoughts. Get some control over your anxiety and fear responses. Getting some degree of peace and mental stability should be your top priority right now. 







    Because everything follows from that. I’ve recorded other videos on this channel about values and dealbreakers and red flags and green flags and all that stuff. I’m actually working on an entire masterclass right now devoted to this question of, you know, what’s a deal-breaker? What’s a red flag? How to answer that question for yourself? How to get in touch with your own boundaries, values, and relationships, and all the rest? It’s a big topic. 







    But if you take away nothing else from this video, I would say do whatever you need to do to start getting a handle on your brain as quickly as possible. 







    Because you can only make that decision, you can only get that clarity, once you have some degree of mental stability moving forward. 







    So what does that mean? Well, if you’re struggling with things like intrusive thoughts, some symptoms that we might associate with OCD, or any of the classic symptoms associated with retroactive jealousy, such as unwanted intrusive thoughts, obsessive curiosity about your partner’s past, digging into their past on social media, struggling with what I call “mental movies” about your partner’s past relationships and or sexual history…







    If you’re struggling with all these symptoms,

    • 7 min
    Retroactive Jealousy on BBC News: The FULL Story

    Retroactive Jealousy on BBC News: The FULL Story

    In today’s video, I’m going to talk about what it’s like to share the most embarrassing episode of your life on the front page of one of the biggest news publications on the planet.







    Read or watch the video below to know about my personal experience with retroactive jealousy on the first page of BBC News.



















    Zachary Stockill: In today’s video, I’m going to talk about what it’s like to talk about the most embarrassing episode of your life on the front page of one of the biggest news publications in the world. 







    Back in 2018, I received an email from a journalist at BBC News. Most of you probably know, but BBC News is probably the biggest media organization in the United Kingdom, with enormous reach all over the world. BBC World News was always a constant for me on my travels, whatever hotel room I was in. All over the world, you can usually find BBC News. 







    A BBC journalist wrote to me asking me if I’d be willing to go on the record and talk to her about my experience of retroactive jealousy as a younger man.







    Retroactive jealousy is one of the most painful and frustrating experiences that any human being can go through. 















    For most of the people reading this or watching this video, I’m sure you probably know that retroactive jealousy refers to unwanted intrusive thoughts, often obsessive curiosity, and what I call “mental movies” about a partner’s past relationships and or sexual history. The short version is: it is hell.







    And back in 2018, it had been, I think, four or maybe five years, I think, since I’d had been talking about retroactive jealousy publicly. I’ve been doing this for a while. But I’d never put myself out there to such an extent that it was very likely that my grandparents and my friends from high school and all these people from my life would know about my own struggles with retroactive jealousy as a younger man.







    Frankly, I’ve always been very proud of the work that I do. I love my job, I love what I do. And I’ll proclaim that from the rooftops. But back in 2018 at least, I was still a little bit embarrassed, really, to talk about this issue publicly. Because a lot of the ways that I used to behave and act out and feel back in 2018, were still embarrassing for me.







    I’m a pretty confident guy, I’m a pretty proud person. But talking about the most embarrassing episode of your life on the front page of BBC News was, at first, a bit of a daunting prospect for me. 







    But I got over it. I did the interview with a journalist who did a great job. And I wrote this article in conjunction with her that was published on the front page of BBC News. So I woke up one morning, and I literally saw retroactive jealousy on the front page of my BBC News app. Some people have asked me, what was that like? And It was fascinating because my website absolutely blew up that day. I got all kinds of emails and interests. And the overriding message I got from so many people was a message of gratitude, thanking me for talking about this issue publicly. 







    People had been living with this issue for 10, 20, and 30 years before they read about it on BBC News.

    • 8 min
    Obsessive Jealousy in a Relationship: Is That "Love?"

    Obsessive Jealousy in a Relationship: Is That "Love?"

    In today’s video, I’m going to talk about the distinctions between unhealthy neediness and genuine love relating to obsessive jealousy in a relationship.







    Read or watch below if you are suffering from obsessive jealousy in a relationship.



















    Zachary Stockill: You’ve probably seen me talk about the “Red Pill” recently. It’s a rabbit hole that I’ve been going down recently that is pretty interesting. The term refers to a segment of the internet filled with men trying to figure out the issues in their dating lives, and often, their lives beyond their relationships, beyond their interactions with women.







    But anyway, there’s a term in the “red pill,” that is pretty on point. The term is “Oneitis.” It basically means feeling like there’s only one person for you. In the case of men, “there’s only one woman for you. You need this one woman to be happy.”







    And you’re looking for “the one,” that you’ve probably heard about in various other places. I think this whole idea of, you know, the soulmate. “And if you just look through the entire world, you’ll find the one person who’s perfect for you.” I think this is a really dangerous idea. 







    In today’s video, I’m going to talk about the three key distinctions between what I believe to be unhealthy neediness or “oneitis,” and genuine love. 







    I think one of the key components in genuine love that comes from a healthy place that is sustainable, and beautiful, is:







    Wanting someone, often wanting them in a profound way, but not feeling like you need them for survival, as is often the case with obsessive jealousy in a relationship. 







    I get a lot of pushback on this idea because a lot of people find the idea of needing someone for survival incredibly romantic.







    But there are a few problems with that. Number one, neediness is absolutely terrible in creating and sustaining long-term attraction. And I think attraction in a relationship is extremely important. You ask any young woman: “Do you find neediness in men attractive?” 99.9% of them, if they’re being honest with you, will tell you no:







    “I want a man who wants me, but I’m not so interested in a man who feels like he needs me.”







    Because if a woman feels like you need her, on some level, I think you’re telling her “I don’t have much else going on in my life. I don’t have goals, I don’t have real interests. I don’t have passions that are completely unrelated to my dating life. I’m just focused on you. And I would be grateful if you could fill this hole inside me that I can’t seem to fill myself.“



















    I think a healthy relationship is based on two people who want each other but don’t feel like they need each other; two people who have full lives on their own, but whose lives are better together. Two people who are happy on their own, but feel like they’re happier together. Two people who can be single and be happy, but feel better when they’re in a good relationship. This distinction between wanting and needing is crucial. 







    And I really want you to think about this if you’re a guy predisposed to ideas about finding “the one,” finding your soulmate, and finding someone who “completes” you. This is another phrase that makes me crazy. 

    • 8 min
    "My Boyfriend Has Retroactive Jealousy. Can I Convince Him To Change?"

    "My Boyfriend Has Retroactive Jealousy. Can I Convince Him To Change?"

    In today’s video, I’m going to respond to the question: “How do I convince my boyfriend to confront his retroactive jealousy?”







    Read or watch below to discover if you can convince a boyfriend to confront retroactive jealousy.



















    Zachary Stockill: I received a comment recently on a YouTube video from a young woman whose boyfriend is struggling with retroactive jealousy. And the comment read: “My boyfriend is struggling with retroactive jealousy. How do I convince him to get help?”







    Unfortunately, I’ve received some variation of this comment hundreds of times before in my email inbox. Frequently, the partners of retroactive jealousy sufferers write to me, asking me how to convince their partner to take some action to change to confront their retroactive jealousy. 







    In today’s video, I’m going to offer a very pointed and direct response to this question. I think you’re going to want to watch this video if you’re either a retroactive jealousy sufferer, or if your boyfriend or your partner is struggling with retroactive jealousy, and they aren’t really taking any action to improve their situation. 







    Okay, so your boyfriend is struggling with retroactive jealousy, and you want to convince him to get help. Here’s something that I have learned over almost 10 years now, as a full-time coach, as one who’s been on hundreds and hundreds of coaching calls, thousands of email consults, and all kinds of people asking me this and other questions.. 







    You cannot convince people to do anything that they don’t want to do. You can’t force people to change. 















    And I say that as someone who makes videos about encouraging people to change and helping people change, through online courses like “Get Over Your Partner’s Past Fast” and books and one-on-one coaching and all the rest. Obviously, personal transformation, people changing, is something that I’m extremely interested in. 







    But I can tell you: over 10 years, I have never tried to convince someone to change. I’ve helped people who have come to me wanting to change themselves. If someone comes to me and says, “Zach, I’ve hit rock bottom with retroactive jealousy,” or “I’m excited about changing, I’m ready to change;” great. I’m very excited about that. Let’s get to work. Excellent. 







    If someone comes to me and says, “I’m not sure if I really need to change,” then it’s like, “okay, that’s fine. Keep doing whatever you’re doing. And if you’re finding that what you’re doing is not working, and you want to change, then come back to me, and we can talk.”







    The point is you cannot convince people to do anything that they don’t want to do. And that includes your intimate partner. You can’t convince your intimate partner to do anything that they don’t want to do themselves.

    • 9 min
    Daily Habits for Happiness: My Personal Top-5

    Daily Habits for Happiness: My Personal Top-5

    In today’s video, I will share my top-5 daily habits for happiness that have made a big difference in my life.







    Read or watch below to discover my top-5 daily habits for happiness.



















    Zachary Stockill: If you’ve been watching my channel for a while, you’ve probably heard me talk about building new habits, and eliminating old habits that aren’t serving you. Building up different routines, and different habits you can incorporate into your life every day, that are going to give you the best shot at accomplishing your personal development goals, whether it’s related to losing weight, whether it’s related to overcoming retroactive jealousy or obsessive jealousy, and whether it’s related to being a happier human being in general. 







    So, today, I’m going to share my top-5 daily habits for happiness.







    The first thing that I try to do every single day, the first habit that I’ve incorporated into my life that has made me happier, is consuming the least amount of social media possible. And being extremely strategic about the way that I use social media. The big question that I bring to my social media consumption that’s made a big difference in my life is, 







    Am I using this app? Or is this app using me. 















    And I think that’s a valuable framework to set the tone for your social media consumption, because as you know, with these apps, with Facebook, Instagram, and all the rest, you are the product, right? The app is trying to use you, and you’re constantly being sold to.







    There are all these culture wars and stupid fights, and all these issues that really serve no purpose. I realized several years ago that I want to cut as much of that out of my life as possible. I also want to be strategic about which apps I use on a day-to-day basis, and which accounts I follow.







    And I want to be strategic and careful about what information is going into my brain every day, and what I’m consuming, because all of that stuff has a huge impact on me. All this constant noise from the media every single day…







    That stuff seeps into your subconscious, that stuff seeps into your day, that kind of energy seeps into your life.







    And I want to keep as much of that out of my life as possible. So my solution has been unfollowing accounts. And I don’t care about blocking certain accounts, depending on the circumstances. If I get a nasty comment on my Instagram feed or whatever, that person is blocked, goodbye.







    A lot of you probably won’t have to worry about that, because maybe you don’t have a publicly available Instagram account or Facebook account. The point is to be strategic about your consumption of these apps and these social media platforms because all of this stuff can really disrupt your day.







    On a related note, I have learned to be strategic about my consumption of news, politics, and all that stuff. 



















    As I mentioned before, I have multiple degrees in history. I love history. And I think a lot of history junkies, like me, are also news junkies, because we’re living through history and yadda yadda yadda. We want to be updated on world events, politics, and all that stuff. To cite an example: there’s currently a war going on in Europe, the war in Ukraine. And I’ve been consuming a lot of news lately...

    • 9 min

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