Betrayal Trauma SOS Jeni Brockbank

Rhyll Anne Croshaw, with the SA Lifeline foundation, shares her insights about the surrender process.



Why do we need the surrender process? Rhyll says that the rewards of surrendering to God are peace. For those of us who struggle with betrayal trauma, peace is like water to our souls.



Rhyll shares her 3 step surrender process and adds some extra details that I find particularly helpful. The basics to the 3 steps of surrender are:



1- Knees.2- Phone.3- Box.



Surrendering to God is a key component of 12 step recovery work. Rhyll’s insights are helpful for newcomers and those more experienced in 12 step recovery work.



NOTES:



To attend a gender specific SA Lifeline 12 step meeting for betrayal trauma and/ or sex addiction, please visit https://salifeline.org/ .



To attend the SA Lifeline conference (virtually or in person) on September 18th 2021 visit https://salifeline.org/s-a-lifeline-conference-2021/. Speakers include Stephanie Carnes and Jay Stringer.



Rhyll Anne Croshaw’s book, What Can I Do About Me, can be purchased here.



The Circles Model can be found here.



The Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast has a previous episode on surrender. You can listen here, or search for episode 13 on most any major podcast platform.

Ashlynn Mitchell discusses how to be the buffalo on this week’s episode. Because Ashlynn has been open with her recent experiences of heartache and thriving, I wanted to learn more. I am grateful that Ashlynn generously shares her experiences regarding healing from her recent divorce. We discuss how to be the buffalo…



PhysicallyEmotionally& Spiritually



I’ve implemented some things from Ashlynn’s interview that have helped in my own healing. I am hopeful that they will help in yours as well.



Ashlynn is a podcast host for This Is Ashlynn, The Betrayed the Addicted and the Expert, is a co-creator of the program Beyond Enough, runs betrayal trauma groups and is a health and fitness coach.



Learn to be the buffalo with me? XO Jeni



https://www.instagram.com/mamabear.fitness/



https://linktr.ee/mamabear.fitness

Addiction & mental illness often go hand in hand. Sometimes it’s hard to see that there is an underlying issue. This last year, my eyes have been forced wide open and I am sharing more of our story here.



Very special thanks goes to my husband who decided to let me be more open about our story. This leaves him vulnerable, as he struggles with both sex addiction and mental illness. Thankfully, because we are now aware of the connection, our resources have expanded and we are finding healing.



By sharing our story, we hope that others can know that they aren’t alone, gain awareness and perhaps get much needed help.

Do you sometimes struggle with obsessive worrying about the future? I sure do and it’s normal to struggle when facing betrayal trauma. Our brains are looking for something to land on, but when the future is unsure, future tripping is often where our brains turn.



A year ago I knew that I needed more insight into staying present, so I decided to interview Pam Blizzard. What Pam graciously shared with me was critical to my own healing journey.



I’m excited to (finally!) make this interview public!!! If you struggle with future tripping, like I do, then this interview may be key for experiencing some relief in the midst of intensity.



To find out more about betrayal trauma coach Pam Blizzard and the recovery services that she offers, please visit https://recoveredpeace.com/ . Facebook group: Recovering Spouses of Sex Addicts.

Sex Addiction Edition of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast



What is sex addiction and might you or a loved one be struggling with sex addiction?



In this sex addiction podcast episode, we will take a whole body approach.  Let’s discuss how sex addiction affects people physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I’ll even share my horcrux addiction theory. 



We'll discuss:



What is sex addiction?Why is it important to be informed about sex addiction?  Is sex addiction legit???? Learn how sex addiction affects the user physically.How can sex addiction affect the user emotionally?Learn how sex addiction affects the user spiritually.Sex Addiction Horcrux Theory



Key Quotes from this week's episode:



Fight the New Drug says that, “ Porn happens to be fantastic at forming new, long-lasting pathways in the brain. In fact, porn is such a ferocious competitor that hardly any other activity can compete with it, including actual sex with a real partner. That’s right, porn can actually overpower the brain’s natural ability to have real sex! Why? As Dr. Norman Doidge, a researcher at Columbia University, explains, porn creates the perfect conditions and triggers the release of the right chemicals to make lasting changes in the brain…. Repeated consumption of porn causes the brain to literally rewire itself. It triggers the brain to pump out chemicals and form new nerve pathways, leading to profound and lasting changes in the brain….”



Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton challenges the idea that drugs are only things that you can purchase: “Why is it that some consider adrenaline and dopamine to be drugs if drug companies produce them, yet they will not acknowledge these same chemicals to be drugs if pornography stimulates the brain to produce them?”



From Fight the New Drug, “The rise in porn-induced erectile dysfunction is something to be alarmed about.  Frequently watching porn can lead to erections which can increasingly ONLY be induced by hardcore pornography.  That’s not healthy.” 



The following is from a Brannon Patrick Instagram post, “Addiction is a deathless death, it numbs the pain and the joy.”



The following is a quote from Clay Olsen, who is the Co-Founder & President of Fight the New Drug.  Clay says, “Having a healthy perspective of yourself, and a healthy amount of self-esteem and confidence is very important in maintaining a healthy lifestyle overall. The fantasy of porn tends to take away from that and give consumers the idea that they’re not good enough exactly as you are. We fight against that, and we fight to say that you are worth loving, and you are good enough.”



From the book Love You, Hate the Porn by  Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer they say, Pornography’s “ultimate price: When he’s going to it, he’s not going to her.”  The same can be said of women and can be reworded, “when she’s going to it, she’s not going to him.”  



SOURCES



Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD speaks to Youth and Parents about Pornography and its impact on the Brain



Brain, Heart, World (3 online videos)



Is Addiction a Choice Or a Disease? Therapy Brothers podcast



Brannon Patrick Instagram Post about how Addiction Isn’t Just Compulsive Behavior

Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.  



Emotions!  When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place.



“traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.  Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.  They learn to hid from their selves." Besel Van Der Kolk



As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It's like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered.



Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.  



From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert)



Toxic Positivity



Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this,



“You can choose happiness right now!”



“It's alright, you just need to keep going.”



“You need to focus on positive things.”



“Just be positive.”



“You’re so lucky that  _________ didn’t happen to you.”



And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." That's from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.)



In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things.



Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it.



Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It's easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be.



Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face.



Honoring Emotions



Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.)



My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are: