Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst

Erin Snow, Clinical Director for Seeking Integrity, joins Tami on this episode to help talk about the importance of internal and regulation work, while also healing your hurt inner child. She speaks to betrayed spouses who are in love or have grief from loving their addict spouse, and more in today’s episode. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] He claims to be sober, but he’s doing nothing to be sober?
[4:00] Men struggle to create intimate bonds with other men. 
[15:50] It takes work to counteract what the brain wants to do. 
[18:15] Most people who struggle with addiction don’t even know what they want at the moment. 
[20:55] Losing a friend is painful. Losing a partner? Even more so. It takes a lot of work to be comfortable in your own skin. 
[22:45] Erin talks about a woman’s retreat and how empowering it can be for women who have addicts in their lives. 
[24:50] These women all share the same pain; loving their addict. 
[28:55] Life isn’t fair, but you can always choose to focus on yourself! 
[29:20] We are separated and in couple’s therapy. I’m in grief. How do I practice self-care on a daily basis? 
[38:20] Sometimes addicts just don’t want to make the decision to leave, so the partner has to do it for them. 
[45:20] A porn addiction has damaged our relationship. How can we reconnect sexually again? 
[53:10] He is addicted to prostitutes. I depend on him and he resents me. How do I heal? 
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
 
QUOTES
“The most beautiful thing about treatment is men are forced to develop intimate bonds with other men.”
“So for 20 years you’ve used problematic behaviors and then you magically stop it, and you’re all good? Denial is the biggest component of addiction.”
“Doing the work is unfair (as a betrayed spouse), nobody should have to do it, but it is a gift to get to the other side of regulation.”

Tami and Scott, the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity, answer some common questions people new to recovery might have. They cover everything from the difference in SA 12-step programs, what to look for, and what types of resources are available for SA-specific individuals and their betrayed spouses. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] Today’s episode covers common questions around the 12-step program. 
[3:25] A 12-step program teaches us how to be honest with ourselves and others. 
[3:45] Why are 12-step programs different for sex addicts? 
[5:00] SA and eating disorder programs are different because we have to define our own sobriety. 
[5:55] Scott breaks down the different SA groups you can join. 
[11:40] How do I find the right resources for my specific needs?
[17:35] What should a betrayed spouse look for/do? 
[18:15] What about programs that aren’t 12-step focused? 
[20:20] Remember, 90 meetings in 90 days doesn’t mean you’re magically cured by day 91. 
[29:15] What does it mean to have a ‘higher power’ in a s12-step program? I’m not religious. 
[34:15] I’m a betrayed partner but my husband won’t admit any wrongdoing. What should I do? 
[40:35] Who should my accountability partner be? 
[47:50] When does it make sense to ask my partner about his recovery? I don’t want to know the details, but I do want to know the progress. 
[52:55] His friends are backing him up and I feel manipulated by him. What should I do? 
[56:55] What should you look for in a sponsor? 
[1:00:30] Can betrayed partners also attend a SA meeting? 



RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
 
QUOTES
“Eating disorders are about learning how to eat in healthier ways. Sexual sobriety is about what is problematic for me and what is not?”
“It doesn’t matter which SA group you go to, just be comfortable and be able to be honest. If you can share honestly and openly and get support, great, you’re in the right spot.”
“Tami and I are fans of 12-step recovery because that’s what’s worked for us, but there are other options. Explore them!”

Dr. Rob and Tami answer questions from sex addicts as well as betrayed spouses to help them through some of their biggest struggles this week. One question in particular stands out. A betrayed partner has been beaten down verbally by her sex addict. She has been internalizing messaging that his actions are her fault, along with her not being physically attractive or ‘good enough’. Dr. Rob and Tami offer advice for this woman and how she can seek resources to heal from the actions of her addict. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[:45] My entire family is dysfunctional. I’m working on it, but as a result my daughter is an anxious mess. What can I do?
[3:50] You have to take care of yourself and set an example for your family. 
[6:25] Does someone need to be in solid recovery for Dr. Eddie’s recovery group? 
[8:05] My addict started accusing me. Sure enough, he’s acting out again with underage girls. What do I do? 
[11:20] Most sex addicts aren’t looking at 12 year olds! This addiction goes deeper into offending behavior. 
[14:30] What resources can I use to help build trust and safety with my partner? 
[18:05] What type of questions should I ask when going to a therapist for sex addiction?
[21:00] Do the feelings of shame and anxiety ever go away? 
[29:20] My SA still has an enmeshment with his mother. She still treats him like a child. Is this normal? 
[33:15] I’m struggling to not take his behaviors personally, despite him blaming me for his actions. How can I heal? 
[39:40] Should the addict be enrolled in two different 12 step programs? 
[44:20] Dr. Rob highly encourages betrayed spouses to get an STD test! 
[45:15] How can I get out of my own narcissism? I lie so much to myself that I believe it. 
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
 
QUOTES
“Addiction is a mental health issue. Your daughter needs to be evaluated and supported, regardless of what else is going on in the family.”
“Mental health is different. Sometimes we have to give a little more, we have to bend a little more, we have to do things we might not do when we’re in addiction or recovery.”
“We sometimes look at drinking and drug use as a replacement for an anxiety problem.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about a young mother of two who is struggling to deal with her acting out and abusive husband. She doesn’t want to break up the family and she’s scared for her future, but Dr. Rob and Tami offer a beacon of hope in what should be some of her next steps.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:05] After a betrayal, when does it make sense to have sexual intimacy again?
[9:35] He’s blaming me for his addiction and he’s relapsed. I don’t want to break up the family, so what should I do?
[15:40] Remember, none of this is your fault!
[20:15] Dr. Rob hates that there’s abuse going on in the home.
[24:35] So many addicts don’t realize that they’ll never find what they’re looking for.
[25:15] He says he’s in recovery. I don’t think he is. I want to secure our financial future. What should I do?
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
 

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how an addict might be skirting the boundaries with his betrayed wife. Is flirtation seen as an active addiction, especially when the addict does it when his wife’s not around? The 1# thing addicts love is attention and/or admiration. So, they might be a little sneaky in how they get their fix.
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[:25] She says I ruined her life. Can I salvage this relationship?
[7:45] I don’t have a lot of money. Why is a CSAT necessary for my recovery?
[14:45] I’m acting out online with deep fetishes. Will it eventually escalate to in-person acting out?
[21:55] He says he just loves to flirt and that there’s nothing to worry about. If he’s handing out compliments to attractive women, is that considered “active” addiction?
[28:15] He keeps saying how he wants things to be back to normal. Is this some sort of sick joke?
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
 

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about why someone might feel uncomfortable in recovery. A betrayed spouse was asked by her addict to join a couple’s support group, but after all the positive praise she was getting, he told to stop going. Dr. Rob and Tami break down how couple’s support groups can be a life-changing and positive experience for couples, but only if they embrace the not-so-comfortable parts of it. 
 
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:15] My addict asked me to join a couple’s support group, but after he saw all the support I was getting, he told me to stop going. What’s going on here? 
[9:00] My wife is having trouble believing I can change. How can I show her that I’m a different person? 
[18:25] How can I tell family and friends that we are over? 
[22:35] My husband went behind my back and thinks I’m overreacting. What should I do? 
 
RESOURCES:
Seekingintegrity.com
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Sexandrelationshiphealing.com
Intherooms.com
Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss