The Faith Collective The Faith Collective

I decided to turn my pain into purpose. I started to share my faith on social media. I had numerous messages tell me that my faith and perseverance helped strengthen their own faith. My relationship and love for my Savior grew in ways that I don’t think would have if I hadn’t been suffering the way that I was. This pain wasn’t something my closest loved ones could even begin to understand, but Jesus could. He knew.

Nora is our miracle baby. She was a sassy little thing in the NICU and I feel like that’s what kept her going. She didn’t have any major problems. She was just little and needed time to grow. I realize now how this experience could have been devastating, but this experience was a beautiful one for me. I know God has a plan for His children. For whatever reason Nora needed to come sooner. For whatever reason Nora was saved and she is still a little sassy thing. She is strong. She is resilient. She is beautiful. She is a daughter of God and she’s my miracle baby.

After I hung up with my mom, I found a secluded classroom in the church building and knelt down to pray. Prayer felt like a last ditch effort to save my dad. As I was praying, it was becoming more and more clear that my dad had died. I continued to plead with God to raise my dad from the dead and keep him alive. 

I was too fatigued to make it all the way down the stairs, so I just sat there while processing, and words and a melody started floating to my brain. They demanded attention.
So I started writing it all down in the Note app on my phone. When such a perfect creation is essentially sent from heaven and downloaded into your brain, you have to ask God, “Why did you send this?” His answer: “I want you to sing it at his funeral.” That’s what I was afraid of. Why did it seem like God was always asking hard things of me?

I prayed and pleaded with God to help me not look the way I did or for Him to help me lose the “extra weight”, so I could feel pretty enough. For years I thought weight gain was my trail in life and that the only way I could feel joy again was if I lost weight. I was so wrong! 
After years of struggling with this eating disorder and feeling completely hopeless, God helped me see that I could not overcome this alone.

There have been many moments of sorrow and tears lost in dark closets. There have also been profound, heart-pounding times of joy. And lately, as I’ve reflected on it all, I’ve wondered: Was I faithful enough? Am I faithful enough? Could my faith stand in the deepest of waters, trusting fully in the abounding grace of the Lord that I would call upon Him as I’m led deeper? Or would I drown?
In these meditative moments, I’ve felt a gentle but resounding answer:
I do not mean for you to endure alone.