Village Joe Johnson

“Now, we need some volunteers to re-assemble skittles this year because as we know, sadly, Colin, Neil, Roy, Alf, Pat and Don all died over winter.”
Col. Gerry Aspinall

“She likes her local produce, so i’ve turned out all the lights and we’re sitting on the kitchen floor befront the fridge. She’s naked, I’m down to me vest and pants and I’m feeding her off-cuts of gammon from Nelson’s Butchers”
Gilly Taplin

“Every time I’m peckish after a stint in the studio I reach for the honey roasted macadamias and she’s polished them off. Within hours of Mummy getting back from Waitrose Hatty’s inhaled the best treats. I’m sick of it.”
Henry Aspinall 

“If you’re prepared to play politics, Carl, be my guest. No children’s team means no funding. Chalcombe Cricket Club’s been going 125 years but we slip through the net because we aren’t coaching disinterested kids with blue plastic bats on a Wednesday night.”
Ian Bird

“I was absolutely steaming, Bro, literally couldn’t walk in a straight line. We got back to house and Winston Fung opened his window for us.”
Charlie Broome 

“I’ve been supportin’ Leicester Citeh, from bein’ a small lad when Jock Wallace were the manidgoh. I’ve seen ‘em all come through and I’m sayin on ‘is day, you just can’t look past Muzzeh. ‘E had it all.”
Carl Bailey