Alive Within Darbi B

Want it if you got it.  It's like Flaunt it if you got it.  Today I want to play on that phrase and talk about Want.

Do you want it if you got it?

I hear it all the time. I’m so unhappy. I guess I’m not smart enough for this or that. I don’t think I’ll have that. That’s just not gonna happen for me. My life isn’t that great. Every time I slow them down and we start pointing out what they DO have the whole perspective shifts and life doesn’t seem so bad.

We think that something out there is going to bring us happiness.

We may have this fleeting idea of our future and it looks awesome but what I have today isn’t even close. The thoughts of bridging the gap seems impossible.

We also find ourselves focusing on what other people are doing. What other peoples lives look like.

It’s all an unfair comparison that we need to stop doing.

Well, how do we do that?

How can we stop those beliefs and thoughts that we have?

The truth is. You don’t have to stop them. Just allow them to happen. When a thought comes you can acknowledge it and do very little about it after that. Don’t reject it. Don’t accept it. Just allow it.

There’s nothing broken with you or wrong with you if you have thoughts about what you don’t have. There’s nothing wrong with you if you want something more. You’re just perfect if you wish you had something more. It’s this beautiful desire that makes life fun. It would be so boring if we didn’t want more. What would drive us and be fun about that?

This all being said…there has to be a balance. Or rather…we need to do our best at creating the balance. It will be a life long journey. I think life has to have imbalances all the time so we are learning and growing all the time to balance them.

As normal as it is to have thoughts of wanting more it’s also normal to have thoughts of gratitude and wanting what you already have.

It’s important to give that equal air time.

If I’m going to set goals I want to equally share some time in thinking about what’s great in my life. What’s amazing about what I’ve accomplished, what I have, what I’ve learned, who I’ve become, how awesome my relationships are.

I had a client ask. How do I want what I have. At that time I gave them an example of my car. I’ve always had my current car on my dream list until a year ago. When I finally got my dream car I was so excited.

Have you ever been so excited to have something, or go somewhere or be with someone and then the excitement wears off? That’s called the honeymoon stage.

If we don’t continue to look at what we have and RE-realize the reasons we wanted it then it’s just another mundane piece in our life.

We need to put some effort into a rich life where we are living a little more alive within.

Most of the time when I’m driving my dream car I take a minute to look around and enjoy what I’ve earned. I remember how I worked to get to this point. I smell the leather. I look at the colors throughout and love it. I’m sure my kids get annoyed when I put the car in reverse and it shows me what behind me and indicated if there are any moving objects oncoming and I say “I love my car. Thanks car, for keeping me extra safe.”...cont'd

Let’s get right to today’s podcast. Do you ever have people in your life that bring you down?

Is there a person right now that you can think of that has something critical to say every time there’s a topic?

Do they really get to you and make you feel yucky?

Well then you should cut them out of your life, right?!

I hear people talk about cutting toxic people out of their lives and I cringe a little every time I see or hear that because I think that most people mean this and execute this in a way of running away from the problem. I’ve seen it a lot on social media when someone announces that they’re going to go on a cleaning rampage where they clean out all their friends that are toxic.

They declare that they just don’t have room for toxic people anymore.

The reason this makes me cringe is actually a few reasons.

First, I don’t think you have to “cut” toxic people out of your life.

Second, I don’t think there’s a need to announce to everyone when you’re making a change in you and are deciding to set boundaries. Rarely do you even have to notify the labeled offender.

And third, If you really are cleaning up your intimate circle of friends, social media definitely isn’t the place to do any of that management.

Let me explain these reasons one at a time. Why do I think it’s unnecessary to CUT people out of your life? I’m not saying you wouldn’t want to cut ties with some people in your life. You may want to do that. I just don’t think it’s anything like it’s being touted on social media. I see people recklessly and angrily cutting people out. This is done in a way as to make the other person pay for not being good to them. It’s done in a way as to say I’m better than you and you don’t fit.

I just don’t agree with those reasons. You can choose to not have someone in your life, choose not to communicate with a person or some people, or choose to put strict boundaries up for yourself but it all needs to be in a spirit of bettering yourself. This is what people are trying to attempt but they’re misguided in thinking that the people they are cutting out are making them act or feel a certain way so they need to cut them out. That’s not true.

You may not be at your best around someone and that can happen very regularly but I can tell you that it’s not them who is making you feel bad. They may know your triggers and regularly use them.

But it’s not all them.

It’s your thinking about what they’re saying or doing. I’m not saying you don’t want to reduce or eliminate time with that person or those people. You may want to but realizing that you are the creator of your thoughts and therefore your feelings is essential. I may decide that I don’t behave very well around a certain person and spend less time around them because I don’t want to spend the time and energy to manage my mind around them. However, it’s important to know that that’s what it is. Mind management. They can be the way they are and you can control the way you think, feel and behave. So instead of cutting people out…how about we peacefully walk away or move forward?

Second. Why I don’t think you have to announce that you are “cutting” toxic people out of your life. Because when you make a true change in your thinking or heart then you no longer feel the need to announce the changes. You just become. There will be people who fit into your life, likes and schedule and there will be some that don’t. This does not mean they are less than and announcing anything about you leveling up in your life would indicate that you are raising yourself above others and therefore putting them below you because they don’t fit.

There’s No need.....Cont'd

Goals are such an interesting topic to me. I work with peoples goals every single day. I eat, sleep and drink it, it seems.

Everyone has a different relationship with goals.

Some people don’t set goals at all.

They think they are not worth setting because they will just be broken or forgotten. They could be right…if that how you think of them. Those people also may think their life is good enough. There’s no need to set goals.

Some people set small goals based on the past.

They may think something like, well…I’ve lost 5 lbs in the past so I know I can do that. I’m going to lose 5lbs. Probably not more than that though. Because I’ve never done it.

Or they may think, I’ve been to a bar and not had a drink so I’ll do that because I know I can do THAT. Nothing more because I’ve never been able to do that.

Some people set “Impossible” goals and promptly forget them.

They set them by thinking of what they’d like to see or have happen in their lives then stretch the goal a little or a lot farther.

They may create collages.

They may write all over their mirror.

They may put pictures on their phone to remind them of their goal. The sky is the limit in every sense of the word.

I’ve been in every scenario. I’ve thought all the things about goals. I’ve always had a weird relationship with goals. Like I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with them. I wasn’t quite sure how to manage having them and succeeding with them.

The reason that was my reality is because I never stopped to think about the goal setter.

It’s not all about the goal itself… What about you? The goal setter.

You are what matters the most in the equation.

It really doesn’t matter whether they are big or whether they are small. It just matters that you set goals you want. It matters that you set goals you know you can achieve and you get a little nervously excited to think of reaching them.

But all the results will be in failure and self loathing if you don’t come to realize that the relationship with yourself is the starting line to any goal.

You can set all the goals big or small but it won’t matter. You will always find yourself at the bottom wondering why you can’t get to the top if you forgot to create a relationship with yourself.

It’s important to set aside some time to believe in yourself.

Nothing great will come from someone who believes they will just give up on the goal in a few months.

You want to evaluate whether you are starting already having broken the commitment.

What do I mean by that???

I mean…how many times have you set down at the new year, at a new job or any time you’ve wanted to set goals and become anew but you knew somewhere within your subconscious that you weren’t going to make it all the way. You knew you would stop being as fired up after a few days, weeks or months.

This is what I’m talking about.

Before you set your goals you need to set your SELF.

Who am I when it gets hard?

If you don’t like that start changing your thinking to get closer to who you want to be.

You may not be able to jump from “I don’t ever stick to a goal longer than 3 days.” To “I’m the kind of person that won’t give up until I reach my goal, no matter how long it takes.”

If you really believed one or the other…what do you think your results would be?...cont'd

I’m listening to this awesome book called “Personality Isn’t Permanent” by Benjamin Hardy.

I was so excited to simply see the title because I’ve always thought that personality was something that you could change. I’ve taken 5 or more personality tests in my lifetime and I’ve never fully agreed with any of them. I’ve always thought they were somewhat true but I’ve thought they were pretty general.

I’ve thought they were fun and I do think they can tell you about how a person thinks of themselves in that moment in time with their current circumstances and thinking. So I think they can be used as a tool, in fact, I use them with my business clients to get some insight but I don’t think they should be used too heavily or relied on.

It was so refreshing to hear that the author of the book dug up some debunking research and very solid principles as to why we shouldn’t just assume we were born with a certain personality that is unchanging.

I want to be growing and be different every day.

I want to look back at a year ago and think I have really changed.

I look back on 10 or 20 years ago and think…wow! I said that. I did that.

I like to think that I would never act, say or even prefer the things I did years ago.

I think we can really see major changes when we focus intentionally on a certain goal.

Most people choose a few goals and don’t really make sure those goals are focused on and followed through. They seem to give up easy or forget. I’ve been there myself. We listen to the evidence that tells us it’s hard or impossible and we stop.

How many times have you chosen 1 thing and decided that you were going to stay committed to that goal until you reached it?

The power that you can create with intention and massive action is undeniable. I really believe we can accomplish anything this way.

How much different would your life be if you were relentless with your goals? Or even just one.

What would your life look like If you were relentless in becoming someone different. Someone you might like a little better.

Someone you are proud of.

I’m not to the end of the book yet and I plan to read it over a few times but I love the story of a prison inmate. I can’t remember the name of the guy but I think it was Andre. That’s what we’ll call him for now.

He said that his life changed the minute he gave up playing the trumpet. I think it was a trumpet. You can tell I’m super good with details here.

Anywho!

Andre really enjoyed playing the instrument but was being bullied by some class mates and he wanted to be cool so he stopped playing the trumpet at 14 and ended up doing all the things to fit in. He now says that if he wouldn’t have quit he wouldn’t have gone to prison. He says that quitters go to prison.

Because he gave up on his love of music and his focus he followed the social norms at the time and joined a destructive group of kids. He increasingly did whatever it took to get what he wanted in the moment so eventually he was stealing and killing to get what he wanted. By age 18 his focus became being the highest ranking gangster. He did some really bad stuff and after a particularly bad set of decisions in prison he had a revelation. It’s like something just came out of nowhere and hit him.

He realized his focus was full of nothing. Nothing good anyway.

He asked himself why.

We can do the same.

We’d be wise to constantly be checking in and asking ourselves why.

Why do I do this? Why do I think that? Why do I want what I want?....Continued

When I was a kid I definitely did the cliche things like checking under my bed for monsters, thinking there was always one behind me in dark or low lit areas…wait I still do that… and I just knew there was a monster that lived in a cave down at the end of my street. I don’t even think there are caves there. I think it’s just houses but my imagination was a lot.

Let’s be honest. It still is and I’ll bet we can find monsters we all still run away from or are scared of.

Becoming and being an adult is about learning how to manage those monsters or even become friends with them. Most of the time to be able to do this we will have to tell a new story to believe a new belief.

Is money your monster?

What does your money monster look like?

Mine has changed a lot since I’ve brought it into the light but when it was in the dark scaring me it was really ugly. It was green with envy. It was always hiding behind every corner trying to scare me. I believed that money was hard to get. I used to believe that money didn’t grow on trees. Even though I knew that it actually grew on trees. Crazy, right!

I used to think that there wasn’t enough for everyone and that money was in high demand. I believed that money could make you a bad person if you were’t careful and had too much. I also used to think that wanting money was a bad thing.

I didn’t want to be greedy. I did’t want to be bad. I wanted to be a good person who worked hard for my money and that’s exactly what I did.

Until I changed my thinking about money I was always pinching pennies. Stressed out if I got close to any late payments or overdrafts. Yelling at the credit card lady because I paid my payment the day it was due and put my paycheck in the same day but my paycheck didn’t clear until the next day so I got an overdraft fee. I thought that it was worth the stress to worry about those things. I used to stress if I paid more anywhere for anything because I worked so hard for my money. I was somewhat grouchy around money. Because I believed that it was a monster…I became a monster.

I was not living with an abundant mindset. I thought I was doing it right because I made sure every penny was exactly where it was supposed to be at every moment.

I’m not saying that you don’t need to know what’s coming in and going out. I do think you should know what’s going on with your money and treat it with care. I just don’t think there’s any value…and I mean NONE…to being a stickler with your money. I don’t enjoy living a life where I was when I was sure where everything was going and when it would be there and being sure that nothing was being under or over paid. It wasn’t any fun when southing didn’t go my way. Because no matter what you do. No matter how much you think you have it locked down there is room for error. And losing your mind over that or stressing yourself out over those sorts of things is worthless.

I started to shake my old monster loose. I started to bring it into the light by starting to believe that money can be easy.

Money can be fun.

Money isn’t very scary at all if you just start talking about it and start looking at it in it’s face.

It’s not a monster at all. IT’s just money.

We have so many weird traditions in our culture about money. One of them is that you shouldn’t talk about how much you make. I’ve always thought that was so silly.

I’m not going to run around announcing it to everyone but I’m also not going to hide it. I love being able to talk about financial freedom. When I bought my new car a friend asked me how much it was. I told her it was $42,000. She said, I’ll bet the payment on that is a bit of a change for your monthly bills. I said, no. We pay outright for our cars... Continued.

Have you ever been at the end of your day just to ask yourself. What happened today? You feel like you did most of what you needed to do but you have no idea how and you feel scattered while you carried on with your day?

I have.

I have also had days when I got to the end of it and realized that I didn’t get things done that I planned to. I had plenty of time but found other things to do.

This is because we haven’t organized our minds.

When we take the time to organize our minds we then can organize everything else in our lives. Show me someone’s home and I can tell you about their brain.

If you choose to organize your mind and manage your thoughts you will inevitably have an organized home and space.

This also goes for a mismanaged mind. I will often see their space is mismanaged, disorganized and they run around with their hair on fire.

Don’t start judging yourself if you’ve done this, you do this or if you eventually find yourself doing this. It’s does not make you a good or bad person. It doesn’t mean you are a better human. It’s just the difference between a managed mind or not.

I love this concept of something I learned from the life coach school called Monday hour one. It’s a training that helps you to get all of your scheduling done the first hour of Monday then you meet back up with your schedule on the last hour of Friday to find out what you accomplished. There are varying degrees of mastery of this concept and it’s such a cleansing tool.

However, I’ve noticed that when this tool is presented to people they will oftentimes use it to beat themselves up and make themselves bad or wrong.

Setting aside an hour at the start of the week and assessing your progress at the end of the week is such a beautiful gift you can give yourself but when we don’t do it like the person who has mastered it and taught us or we don’t do it like we thought we would we punch ourselves in the face.

To me it’s like getting a gift delivered to your front door. When you unwrap and open the box there is a Big red boxing glove inside. It’s to be used to punch the things out of your way throughout the day that aren’t on your schedule. It’s there to help you clear up your schedule and stay focused on what matters. As you pull it out of the box and put it on you think to yourself, “this is the thing that is going to make everything better. I hope it works.” Then your day comes at you and you start punching things away that aren’t on your calendar. You begin by punching the Netflix out of the picture. Then you punch the laundry in the face. Then before you know it pretty soon you are punching more difficult things and end up punching your friends off your schedule or kids. Then you realize what you’ve done and use the punching glove to punch yourself in the face for doing it wrong.

Or another scenario could be that you put the glove on, punch at something and miss then throw the glove in a dark corner never to be used again. Every time you walk by it you say to yourself, it didn’t work. I tried and it didn’t work.

I say let’s stop punching ourselves in the face altogether and don’t use a good thing to punch ourselves in the face.

We can try new things all the time. We will find ourselves trying more new things and seeing them succeed if we refuse to punch ourselves in the face.

Some things work and some don’t.

Some things take work to make them work and some things just aren’t for us.

The next time you want to punch yourself in the face…because there’s always a next time. Bring up your other hand and push the glove back down.

Remind yourself that mistakes are a part of the process. Not being good at something is normal.

Continued...