Marriaging: The Marriage Podcast with Jessica Fairfax Jessica Fairfax, LMFT-A

Jason Frishman, PsyD, shares his insights into creating adventure and meaningful connection in the everyday activities of life.
We’re often taught the adventure story of the hero’s journey. We think we have to do grand, extraordinary things.
It’s important for us to have a new perspective and create adventure in the smaller, daily activities needed to sustain a family.
What do men experience in seeking adventure in real life vs. the hero’s journey?
The hero’s journey can be harmful to men. It’s often the guiding narrative. Men are led to believe if they aren’t doing a grand gesture, an epic action, they won’t live up to the idea of who they are. Men often aren’t allowed to have the full range of emotional expression. They’re told to get to the end, slay the dragon, succeed. There can be depression and anxiety for men when they are stuck in this limiting narrative. To find ordinary adventure, It’s important to find value and vision in your day. What do you want for your family and yourself? How do you want to be with your family and yourself? What are the things that are most important for you? In finding adventure in your everyday life, you can explore these questions: What would be your practice of coming home every day? How are your actions in how you spend time with your family an expression of your values? What is the relationship between routines and rhythms?
Routines, rhythms, and rituals create the other half of the plotline for the hero’s journey. Routines are important every day. But without values, they’re soul-less. Routines are an expression of your vision and your values for your family. What do your vision and aspirational values look like on a regular weekday night? What routines might express those values? Putting meaning onto a routine helps it evolve into a rhythm. Turning routines into rhythms:
What are the things you’re hoping to do? Identify your vision and values. Identify the things that get in the way: Imps. Imps: patterns of behavior that are difficult to manage. They get in the way of maintaining rhythms. Look at the problems and identify them as imps. Learn about your imps and identify your vision and values. Using your imps to help you grow:
Imps can evolve into something that becomes helpful. They’re protective. They want to keep you safe. Imps (such as depression or anxiety) can get out of control, but they can also have your best interest in mind. How can you change your relationship with this issue and guide it to help you? If you start to feel anxious, figure out what anxiety is helping you pay attention to. How do you create and maintain sustainable rhythms?
Develop rhythms into rituals. Rituals involve everybody. What symbolic representation of what you’re doing can help you remember it? Not all rhythms need to be maintained. They can evolve and grow. You are in the middle of your story. You’re constantly creating your story.
Action steps to nourish connection and create adventure in your relationship:
“All great adventures begin and end around a table.” Have meals together. Spend this time being together. Share stories with each other. Ask each other: What do you remember about when we first met? What do you remember about when we began dating? What was it like? What were some of the most enriching and amazing stories? What did we do together- and what does that say about what we value? Explore these questions: What were we doing when things were going really well, and what does that say about what’s important to us? What gets in the way of doing that more often? Connect with Jason:
Dr. Jason S. Frishman has been working for over 20 years to support individuals, groups, families,
organizations and businesses. Whether as a psychologist, workshop facilitator,
speaker, or narrative consultant, Jason's message rings consistently clear: our lives
are adventurous and interconnected. We can author our life's adventure stories!
Ja

Jessica Cline, a Clinical Sexologist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker, discusses sexual desire differences in relationships. Many couples experiences desire differences and need help navigating their sexual life.
 
What couples experience with sexual desire differences
People often set the standards for their relationship in the limerence phase. That isn’t sustainable. Sexual desire can change over time. You may get into the pattern of initiator and gatekeeper. Sex education programs we’re taught in school are based more in fear and prevention. We aren’t always taught about sex, healthy sexuality, and how to communicate about sex. Sometimes we think men typically have a higher desire, but women can also have a higher desire. We may feel shame and rejection. It’s hard to open up to your partner, or even talk with your doctor about sexual desire issues.  
What are the different roles each partner may take on?
Initiator- Initiation can be difficult if you’re feeling rejected and looking for rejection. Gatekeeper- When someone gets caught in the position of receiving or denying initiation, they become a gatekeeper. There can often be a lot of anxiety for the gatekeeper. Both of these roles can experience hurt. The roles of gatekeeper and initiator are also flexible and can change over time.  
What defines sexless relationship?
A sexless relationship: your relationship does not have to be completely devoid of sex to be considered a sexless relationship. Even having sex just once a month could be considered sexless, because it may not be enough to fit the needs of the relationship.  
What are some early signals couples can recognize to know it’s important to get help and talk through desire differences before hurt builds?
Ask yourself: Are you comfortable talking about these sexual things with your partner? Have you talked with them? Are you feeling resentful? Do you have feelings of rejection? What does sex mean to you and what need does it fulfill? Are your needs being met? It’s not about what’s normal, or what should be happening. It’s about how you both feel in the relationship. You can’t know what you want to share with your partner until you know what you really want and need. There are different parts of intimacy. Are the other areas of intimacy, besides sexual connection, fulfilled for you? When someone rejects sex, it might be that other intimacy needs aren’t being met.  
What steps can couples take to work through desire differences together?
(And remember, these steps can be done in working with a sex therapist who is skilled in helping you and your partner navigate these issues)
Communicate- discuss what’s happening, what’s not happening, your thoughts and feelings about sex and what your hopes are. Explore and communicate your needs. Take sex off the table. You can create space to talk about it, without the pressure or expectation of it. Have a conversation about what you each like, how you each like initiation to happen. Journaling about touch, anxiety, sexual contact, can also help with a sex therapist. Over time, build in more intimacy and explore more of what you’re interested in. Build in a plan for how you can communicate and notice if things begin to get off track (relapse prevention). It’s ok, and even encouraged, to schedule sex. Create space in your schedule to make it happen. Remember to take the pressure off. You don’t have to do everything. It’s important to have a safe space to discuss desire and eroticism. There may be things that you don’t actually act out in the bedroom, though. Connect with your desires, and then determine what you bring into the sexual relationship and what you don’t.  
What about medical and mental health-related factors and sexual desire differences?
There may be a pain issue, a disability, a change in your body, or a mental health issue, that affects desire. Discuss different ways to make sure needs are met.

Bridget discusses love languages and how we can all have relational care through understanding the basic work needed to create a healthy foundation.
We often speak to our partner in the love language we want to receive instead of understanding how they receive love.
5 Love Languages (Developed by Gary Chapman)
Words of Affirmation It’s about the “why”. Speaking to your partner’s strengths, their experience, their needs, is even more affirming than just a simple “thank you” or a compliment. Actions to avoid: Insults and criticism. To someone who feels love in words of affirmation, insults and criticism can hurt on an even deeper level. Acts of Service Take something off your partner’s master to-do list. Focus on ways you can help them make the most of their time. Actions to avoid: Making more work for your partner. If you offer to help with something, but then create more of a mess or a more stressful situation for your partner to deal with later, this can be more hurtful. Gifts It’s more about the meaning behind the gift. This isn’t a superficial or materialistic love language. It’s about the thought behind the gift that can make your partner feel loved. Actions to avoid: Thoughtless gifts, and the missing of birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates. Quality Time Undivided attention: it’s about putting distractions away and doing a shared activity. Focus on active listening and connection. It doesn’t even have to be a date night out. Find time at home to show up for each other and spend time together. Actions to avoid: Being on your phone or other distractions when it is set aside quality time. If you need to be engaged in other things, communicate this and be sure to still have focused quality time. Physical Touch Physical touch can be reassuring, secure. You can find small ways to connect with small, meaningful touches. It can also be an emotional lifeline in your relationship. It is not just about sex. It can start with holding hands, welcoming each other at the door, hugs. Actions to avoid: Getting into a tit-for-tat mentality and withholding affection or love until your needs are met. Instead, just focus on the small, meaningful moments to begin rebuilding connection. Applying love languages and building connection in your relationship
We don’t all fit squarely into one love language. We change over time. Sometimes our love language is strongest where our need is most. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Each of you can explore what makes you feel loved, and share that with each other. Find bids for connection, a way to give attention to each other. Find opportunities to turn in to each other. Trust is important in building foundational work. Trust can be broken in big ways, like infidelity. It can also be broken in smaller ways, like asking for your needs and your partner not showing up in that way. When this happens, trust erodes and resentment builds. Tune into what your partner needs. Pick up on cues and choose to engage and connect when they need you.  
Gottman’s 4 Horsemen- Predictors of Divorce
Criticism: Feels like a pointed finger, attacking. Antidote: Use a gentle start-up. “I feel…” Contempt: Takes criticism to a deeper level, attacks values and character of your partner. Antidote: Build a culture of appreciation with speaking to each other’s love languages. Defensiveness: Choosing not to take accountability or ownership for your role, “It’s not my fault.” Antidote: Take responsibility for your part in a situation. “I’m sorry for my part in how you feel.” Stonewalling: Space for the sake of space, going away without a plan to come back and work through an issue together. Antidote: Take space to self-soothe and calm down, and set a time to come back and talk. If you’re noticing these in your relationship, it doesn’t mean you’ll get divorced. You can use it to build awareness and work through issues t

Worry is exhausting and stressful. So many of us are experiencing worry right now. It can overwhelm your mind, your body, and your relationship.
We’ve all been battling COVID-19, and there’s a lot to be worried about.
I’ll be transparent with you: I’m not an expert on global pandemics and I don’t have the medical knowledge to share facts about this virus. But I do know about connection. I know that we all need connection and support. Friendship is important. Your larger support system is important. And your marriage, your significant relationship, can be one of the most encouraging, relieving, and peaceful supports for you right now.
So, if you’re feeling worried, I encourage you to think about how this is affecting your relationship.
Are you more irritable or frustrated? Are you venting but having a hard time listening to your spouse? Are you thinking of the worst-case scenario for every single issue that comes up? Sometimes worry can also make it difficult for us to trust our partner, knowing they may not be able to fix the problem or protect us. Worry isn’t all bad. It can serve as protection. But when it gets too strong or overwhelming, it can leave us feeling alone, scared, even angry. So, take some time to reflect on your worry. Explore how it’s affecting you and your relationship.
Are you projecting onto your partner? Seeking more control as you feel out of control? Are you shutting down, feeling overwhelmed and unable to have any comforting conversations with your partner? Are you getting frustrated or angry at small things, after being stuck inside with your partner for so long and stuck with your stress and worry for so long? This is an incredibly stressful season, and people are hurting and afraid in different ways. Whether you’re dealing with worry of job loss, sickness and death, or any other effects of this virus, you may feel very afraid or hopeless.
I just want to help bring you peace.
Know that you aren’t alone. We’re all in this. Our worries may be different, but at the end of the day, we all need the same things. Connection. Love. Security. Hope.
As you reflect on how your worry is impacting your relationship, I encourage you to explore what you each need, how you can be there for each other.
Spend quality time with your partner. Talk to them and give them the space to share their worries with you, too. Remember, you can’t fix everything and neither can they. If you’ve been holding all the worry in, ask for the space to share it and process it. Ask for support. If you’ve been letting the worries out, or if your stress is coming out more as frustration, ask for understanding and patience. None of us really know how to deal with what the world is facing right now. And when we’re filled with worry, we tend to lose sight of ourselves and those we love. Our vision and our thought processing becomes clouded by all of the what-ifs.
So today, I hope you find peace.
As you feel the worry building within you, I encourage you to take deep, full breaths.
Fill your body with calm energy.
Let peace flow into all of your inner places that hold worry.
Sit and allow yourself to feel nurtured in this space.
Allow yourself to provide that same feeling of peace and nurturing to your partner.
Simply recognize the worry and invite peace.
In your relationship with your partner, invite patience.
As uncertainty fills the air, let the connection and love you share keep you both grounded and secure.
Let your relationship nurture you.
 
I hope and pray that you can find some bit of peace and comfort in this anxious world.
Sending love your way.  
 
Special thanks to:
Will Gladden of LEVEL Digital Music Entertainment for making the music for the podcast.
http://www.leveldme.com/
 
Connect: 
My mission with the Marriaging podcast is to help you create a more authentic and connected relationship. I’m always working to provide you with the best help for improving co

In this episode, Kelly Lynch, owner and coach at The Unapology Project, talks about dating after divorce and the keys to building trust in yourself.
We don’t talk about dating after divorce enough to help people prepare for it. The culture of dating has changed, and dating after a significant relationship has ended brings more challenges and more opportunities for growth.
 
How do you filter out what’s unhealthy vs. what’s healthy with dating after divorce?
Figure out what your relationship with yourself looks like. When in a long-term relationship, it’s common to shift your identity into that of a married person. When the relationship ends, there’s a challenge in having to grieve the loss of your identity as a married person, while shifting to a new lens of being a single person. Explore your new boundaries. What boundaries and expectations will you go into the process of dating with? What does it mean to put effort into getting to know somebody long-term? Process and grieve. Grieve the identity that is changing and the loss of the relationship. There’s not a wrong way to try to start dating again after divorce. Do what feels like the best right fit for you. Have the willingness to meet that and explore that.  
Trust
In a significant long-term relationship, we place a lot of trust into the other person. But this is also about self-trust. Questions to reflect on: Why did the relationship expire? What’s my role in it? What do I want life to look like from here on out? How can I trust myself with these choices? If you’re not trusting yourself when trying to start a relationship, it’s easy to become co-dependent and continue unhealthy patterns.  
Ownership and Accountability
Ownership is not a behavior, but a mindset. Ownership is simply the calling out and owning of what you did. It is not self-blame. Accountability is the behavior that comes after ownership in healthy situations. It’s recognizing what you’re going to do about what you’re taking ownership of. Learn from it, and don’t beat yourself up for it. We are our own worst enemies. Know what you created vs. what you want to create now.  
How do you navigate taking accountability and taking that into your new dating world?
Transparency in dating. Understand what you want to be transparent about so you don’t waste your time or anyone else’s. Be upfront about what any potential partners can expect from you. If you’re working, have children, or have other parts of your life you’re setting boundaries for, set the expectation and follow it up with a boundary of what you will and will not do. Be aware that not everyone else will have the same level of transparency that you do. That’s okay.  
How can you know if someone is being transparent with you or not?
Love-bombing: Constant positive attention in order to get their needs met. Once their needs are met you may be ghosted or rejected. Ask yourself: Is their behavior realistic and sustainable? Remember your boundaries and expectations.  
Prioritize yourself
It’s not selfish to prioritize yourself. Check in with yourself. Am I being accountable to the things I decided I wanted? Am I honoring those things? Your relationship with yourself needs to be held as sacred. Do the things that take care of the essentials as well as the things that bring you fun and joy. Accountability is non-negotiable. Find a way to care for yourself. Be flexible and creative.  
Important points to remember when you consider dating after divorce:
Ownership Accountability Trust  
About Kelly:
Kelly Lynch is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, former EMT, certified life coach, certified Fitness Trainer, and certified nutrition coach. Kelly owns two businesses, a private psychotherapy practice, Turning Point Wellness, and a private life coaching practice, The Unapology Project. She has ten years experience as an EMT, and over eleven years experience as a psychotherapist. Kelly'

Having a newborn can be exciting and sweet, and also stressful and challenging. You and your partner will experience many changes. It’s important to be able to accept those changes, and work to keep your relationship strong and close.
Changes you and your partner may experience when you bring your baby home:
You may both experience sleep deprivation. You’ll be tired. If the baby wakes up, you’ll probably wake up too. You’ll have to navigate new roles and parenting duties. You or your partner may need to be asking for help. With a new baby, there are more tasks on your daily to-do list. You’ll both have to make adjustments to prioritize what needs to be done. Your identity changes. Being a parent is part of your identity now. You may begin to feel differently about yourself and your values. Your sex drive can change. If you’re the partner who is carrying the child, your body will be going through many changes, even after childbirth. Along with physical changes, your stress levels will change. Your sleep patterns will change. With so many other factors, your sex drives are likely to change during this season. You’ll get less one-on-one time with your spouse. With a baby, your focus and your partner’s focus may naturally shift. As your focus and your schedule shifts, it may be difficult to get quality one-on-one time with each other. Conflict with extended family can arise. As family members may have different parenting styles and different ways of managing households, they might disagree with what you want to do. Family can be helpful, and these differences can also add stress. You and your partner may experience disagreements with family members. You may experience mental health issues. You may deal with post-partum depression or anxiety. Sometimes either or both parents can experience mental health issues upon having a child. It’s a big adjustment for each partner, and there are many factors that could contribute to depression and anxiety. If you’re experiencing this, know that you aren’t alone.  
All of these potential changes can sound overwhelming, but know that you aren’t alone. And as you are on this journey, remember that it’s important to have a strong relationship with your partner, to be able to care for yourselves and each other.
What you both can do to care for yourselves and your relationship:
Be willing to compromise to support each other. The laundry or dishes may not be done your way, but be willing to share the load and accept help as you both make adjustments. Ask for help. From your partner, your family, your friends. Find ways you can tag team to get rest. Ask for help with meals, housework, or whatever you need. Seek support, and remember that this is for a season. Find mental space for yourself. You may not have a lot of alone time or restful time. But as you’re in this season, find small times to sit with yourself. As your identity and your perspective may be changing, give yourself time to process this. Begin recognizing and working to accept the changes you’re experiencing. You may find time to do this while feeding the baby or during naptime. If you can get some help, take a few minutes and go for a walk around your neighborhood. Find some time to reflect on your own thoughts and feelings. Find peace Schedule time to check in with your partner, even if just for a few minutes. Keep the connection alive by talking with each other. If you can find time while the baby is resting, talk over coffee together, or find time to relax on the couch together. Talk about what you each need and want. Talking is especially important, because you also might not be having sex, or having the same physical relationship you’re used to. Even if it’s a small amount of time, keep that communication open so that you’ll continue to feel connected. Speak up for yourself and your family. Your family is you, your partner, and your child or children. Your extended family (parents, gra