Rewriting Your Happily Ever After Dr. Ranjani Rao

 

At the New Delhi launch of Rewriting My Happily Ever After, I met Mekhla who listened to the honest conversations around my book about life after divorce but did not participate. Imagine my surprise when almost a year and half later, Mekhla emailed me with the offer to share her story on my podcast!

Mekhla's story, like that of the others who have featured on this podcast, is unique. In her case, Mekhla got into a love marriage with her first boyfriend. She expected it would be smooth sailing into an always pleasant happily-ever-after, thanks to images of perfectly happy couples portrayed by Bollywood movies, particularly, the Karan Johar stereotypical variety. Yet, a part other knew that she was wilfully ignoring the red flags.

In our discussion, Mekhla speaks about social conditioning and constant messaging that kept her stuck in her untenable marriage even though things got tough pretty quickly. The general tendency of society is to compare how much worse the situations of other unhappy women were while advising her to try harder to make it work. Although her career was suffering and the situation at home was not easy, she fell into the trap of believing that perhaps having a child will salvage her relationship with her husband.

Ironically, the birth of her daughter gave her the required clarity one day as her tears fell on the newborn's face. At that moment she realised that she deserved better and had to resurrect herself into a better version for the sake of her child.  Despite leaving her marital home with an infant in her arms, and rebuilding her career and life as a single parent, it still took her three years to get into the legal aspects of dissolving the marriage. Listen to Mekhla's story that she narrates with so much clarity and conviction.

The one question she asked other women who had walked away from their marriages was - "how do you know when you're ready to call it quits?" It took her time to get to that point of no return and some more time to act on it.

While Mekhla wouldn't wish a divorce on her worst enemies, here is what Mekhla would like to say to others who are procrastinating on the decision of whether to divorce or to stay:


Build yourself up first - take the necessary steps to become financially independent
Clear your head - it may take time and multiple stops/starts, but when you are ready, act on it
Find that one supportive person or a community of people who will lift you up
Be patient and KIND to yourself - you are going through a lot
Choose to be the hero of your story

Having a family member go through divorce still carries a stigma because your family is conscious of being judged and criticised for having somehow failed in keeping the couple together, says Mekhla. But her journey made her fearless and self-confident, something which is very attractive. She build a complete life with her daughter and to her own surprise, found the right person to share the rest of her life with. For the last two years, Mekhla has been happily remarried!

If you are looking for a feel-good story about reinventing yourself into a better avatar after a life-changing event like divorce, do listen to this episode and get inspired by someone who has been through it.

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Your reviews help me reach more listeners with the important message that it’s never too late to rewrite your happily ever after.

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Connect with me at https://www.ranjanirao.com. Follow me on Instagram @ranjaniwriter, on Facebook @ranjaniwriter and on Twitter @ranjaniwriter

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There has been a gap in publishing podcast episodes and it's all my fault. I have been busy with other things but when  a young woman contacted me after reading my book and offered to share her story, I knew, it was the sign I was waiting for.

This is the thirteenth interview in the Desi Divorce Discussion series, where I speak with Danya who had to face obstacles when she decided to marry her college sweetheart and then again when she realised that the marriage was not working out soon after. If you consider the fact that all this (the wedding and the subsequent divorce) happened with the Covid-19 pandemic in the background, you can understand how difficult and isolating the situation must have been for Danya.

They say love knows no barriers and in the first flush of romance, a lot of differences remain hidden from view. But marriage and its attendant expectations and responsibilities can create a deep rift fairly quickly. In Danya's case, the early days of her marriage involved moving to another town and adjusting to a family very different from the one she had grown up in. Despite seeking support and trying to make it work, when the time for a decision came, Danya waited for permission of some sort to walk away. She tells the story in this episode.

What is striking about Danya's journey is her willingness to talk about seeking therapy. Not just to make her marriage work but as a way to understand herself. It wasn't until she started working on herself that she realised many of her beliefs and motivations. She could also see how societal pressure, first insisting that girls get married followed by the pressure to stay married despite the untenable situation affects the ability to make decisions.

How has divorce changed her? "I am more mindful now, of the questions I ask people," she says. It is common for friends, relatives and acquaintances to ask about your spouse in casual conversations. Even an innocuous question like this becomes a loaded one for someone going through separation and divorce. There is a difference in being genuinely concerned for a person and making small talk just because it's expected. It's a fine line that all of us need to be cognisant of when we begin conversations.

Sharing her mental health journey with others has made Danya feel liberated and her frank sharing has given permission for others to seek help. Just like the episodes of this podcast that enable others to step forward and speak up.

We spoke about building support systems, a key component of moving on and becoming stronger after a divorce. Therapy is not something you do when you're at rock bottom. Just as going to gym for physical health is done on an ongoing basis, taking care of mental health is also an ongoing endeavour, Danya emphasises.

If you have not been married for long and are wondering what awaits you if you leave your unhappy marriage, do listen to this episode and get the perspective from someone who has been through it.

Please rate and review the show!

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star rating and review, and subscribe!

Your reviews help me reach more listeners with the important message that it’s never too late to rewrite your happily ever after.

Let’s keep the conversation going!

Connect with me at https://www.ranjanirao.com. Follow me on Instagram @ranjaniwriter, on Facebook @ranjaniwriter and on Twitter @ranjaniwriter

To submit a question or be featured as a guest on my show, email hi@ranjanirao.com or drop a comment below.

In the twelfth interview of the Desi Divorce Discussion series, I finally get to talk to Anu, a reader from California who sent me a heartfelt "Your book was a sign" message on Facebook right after reading my book. We stayed in touch as she went through a particularly difficult divorce journey and fortunately, we were able to meet in person in Singapore. 

Today's episode is really special because I have had many deep conversations with Anu and we were waiting for her divorce to be legally finalised before recording the podcast. Like my previous guest, Laila, Anu did not grow up in India, in fact, her life trajectory took her from Australia to the US without passing through India. Yet, as you listen to her story, you will know how Indian culture and upbringing impacts life's most important decision, marriage and of course, the fall out when it leads to divorce. 

Anu's credentials include an MBA from Harvard and an extremely successful career, but her belief that if you study hard and work hard, you will succeed was severely tested when it came to her unhappy marriage. The same rules of putting more effort to get ahead at work didn't seem to apply when it came to mending a dysfunctional relationship. In many ways, it wasn't fear of family or society that keep her stuck in a bad marriage, it was her own belief that she was not a quitter. It took many years and unpleasant events for Anu to learn that it was OK to quit. 

"In Indian marriages, longevity is celebrate, not quality. There is a huge push to adjust/compromise. Plus the burden of a successful marriage is always on the woman" says Anu. Her observations are spot on because these are things we have seen in our parents' marriage or in the comments made by people inner communities. Instead of congratulating a woman for all aspects of her personality and all areas of success, women get praised for their cooking abilities or their immaculate homes, further linking personal happiness to family life. 

Despite being a single mother, with her parents stuck in faraway Australia during the pandemic, Anu managed her separation and divorce procedures with the help of a supportive group of friends and taking her strength and her cues from her young daughter.

Here are some of the excellent points that Anu made that are relevant for anyone who is considering divorce:


Staying in a bad marriage is not a badge of honour. It's OK to quit
The hardest day is when you finally decide to get a divorce. There will be times  when you will feel sadness, anger, hopeless, grief and hopeful - it's all part of your divorce journey
It's OK to ask for help. Like being a new parent, you will not know everything at the beginning but you will figure it out and people will support you, you will know who your friends are
There is no judgment for getting a divorce or for choosing to stay in your marriage.
Take charge of your life and live it fully. Be the author and the hero of your life

Whether you are thinking about divorce, have left an unhappy marriage or are curious about how women fare after divorce, do listen and let me know your thoughts.

Please rate and review the show!

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star rating and review, and subscribe!

Your reviews help me reach more listeners with the important message that it’s never too late to rewrite your happily ever after.

Let’s keep the conversation going!

Connect with me at https://www.ranjanirao.com. Follow me on Instagram @ranjaniwriter, on Facebook @ranjaniwriter and on Twitter @ranjaniwriter

To submit a question or be featured as a guest on my show, email hi@ranjanirao.com or drop a comment below.

In the eleventh interview of the Desi Divorce Discussion series, let's meet Laila, a lawyer who was raised in Dubai but found herself a single parent after moving to India. Not only was everything different - country, people, culture, but she found herself navigating her new life phase as a single parent all by herself. What did she do next? She created a community for people like her. Listen to this episode to know the details of her journey.

One of my earliest guests on the podcast appreciated the work Laila was doing in supporting single parents through her initiative, The Village for Single Parents. Keen to know more, I started following their Instagram handle and recognised how  Laila's efforts to provide support for single parents was making a big difference to lives of so many single-parent families. I was keen to have her on my podcast and was thrilled when we were able to find a mutually convenient time to connect.

Although Laila came from a very supportive family that encouraged her and her siblings to always be financially independent, when she moved to India with her young child, she had to recreate a new life for both of them, particularly when her marriage ended. Figuring out a new life phase in a familiar city is one thing but to do it an unknown city/country was something that Laila says completely broke her. Yet, it was also an opportunity that allowed her to literally rebuild herself the hard way.

The loneliness of her journey and the encouragement of a friend who seeded the thought that she could create the community she was seeking, helped her launch the Village for Single Parents. The Village provides a safe space for friendship, community and networking in a judgement-free zone. Laila intentionally restricts her support group to desi/brown people because she has seen firsthand how the experiences of divorced women in this demographic are different from their counterparts from other countries.

In India, the systemic struggles are massive and the stigma plays out in overt and covert ways, preventing people from moving on. Even for desi women living abroad, the problem of social acceptance within the desi community makes life very difficult and isolating. By providing a community where people get your struggle and sit with you as you handle your situation and manage your pain, Laila has made it possible for many to find the strength to get on with their new life with greater confidence.

Here are some of Laila's suggestions for women with children considering the life of a single parent:

Accept that your life will be different - from your previous life with a partner and from those of others.
Don't take your responsibility as a custodial parent lightly. It's difficult and you have to become the sole role model for your child
Upgrade and emancipate yourself. It's OK to have murderous thoughts but always, always try to be better than your thoughts
Laila is super busy, extremely focused and committed to what she has started. You can find The Village for Single parents on Instagram. A website is coming soon - stay tuned.

Whether you are thinking about divorce, have left an unhappy marriage or are curious about how women fare after divorce, do listen and let me know your thoughts.

Please rate and review the show!

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star rating and review, and subscribe!

Your reviews help me reach more listeners with the important message that it’s never too late to rewrite your happily ever after.

Let’s keep the conversation going!

Connect with me at https://www.ranjanirao.com. Follow me on Instagram @ranjaniwriter, on Facebook @ranjaniwriter and on Twitter @ranjaniwriter

To submit a question or be featured as a guest on my show, email hi@ranjanirao.com or drop a comment below.

The tenth interview in the Desi Divorce Discussion series is an unusual one with a remarkable story that will have you wondering about the nature of human relationships. Meet Rashmi, a single parent and entrepreneur from Nagpur who runs a wonderful library.

I saw Rashmi’s review for my book Rewriting My Happily Ever After – a memoir of divorce and discovery, in which she mentioned how my book reminded her of her own divorce journey. When I messaged her through Goodreads, she responded warmly and agreed to share her story on the podcast.

Like me, Rashmi grew up in Mumbai and loved reading. Moving to Nagpur after her love marriage, she settled into her new life which included her in-laws. But after her daughter’s birth when her marital life crumbled, Rashmi took a long time to come around to the idea of granting a divorce which was initiated by her husband.

Throughout the years of doubt and confusion followed by painful divorce proceedings, she continued to live with her in-laws who were her major source of support. Today, five years after the formal divorce was completed, she continues to live in Nagpur, with her ‘former’ in-laws.

Most of us who go through divorce know that losing key friendships and relationships is collateral damage. But as Rashmi’s story shows, your bond with people may transcend the simple relationship labels that society may place on them. “I got to keep both families,” says Rashmi.

Rashmi started a children’s library in Nagpur back in 2014 when the library scene was pretty barren, even for books for adults. And by pursuing her professional life by indulging her passion for books, she was able to create an independent identity for herself, a big step in opening herself up to becoming divorced, something that she had not ever considered.

Here are some pointers from Rashmi for women who may be hesitating about divorce like she did:


Put yourself first - you cannot pour from an empty cup
Once you decide to take the final step, keep moving, the path will open up
Make sure what you want (your thoughts and desires) match your actions

From Rashmi’s unique story of continuing to have a wonderful, supportive relationship with her ‘former’ in -laws, we can be reassured that our bonds with people that are based in love and mutual respect, can stand any test.

Check out Rashmi’s labor of love - Reading Rabbits Library in Nagpur with its vast collection of children’s books at www.readingrabbitslibrary.com.

Whether you are thinking about divorce, have left an unhappy marriage or are curious about how women fare after divorce, do listen and let me know your thoughts.

Please rate and review the show!

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star rating and review, and subscribe!

Your reviews help me reach more listeners with the important message that it’s never too late to rewrite your happily ever after.

Let’s keep the conversation going!

Connect with me at https://www.ranjanirao.com. Follow me on Instagram @ranjaniwriter, on Facebook @ranjaniwriter and on Twitter @ranjaniwriter

To submit a question or be featured as a guest on my show, email hi@ranjanirao.com or drop a comment below.

The ninth interview in the Desi Divorce Discussion series features a highly accomplished person with a heart of gold. Meet Kiran, a trained sociologist who wears many hats, has worked in the corporate sector and as a freelancer, has been an activist and leads a community writing group. She also runs a cozy homestay in a small village in the Himalayas.

I found Kiran’s writing group on Facebook and when I shared information about my book Rewriting My Happily Ever After – a memoir of divorce and discovery, she read and also wrote a generous review on Amazon. More importantly, she made the time to come to the book reading session at Kunzum bookstore in New Delhi in June 2022. From that initial connection online to the first in person meeting and now through this podcast conversation, I am so grateful to get to know Kiran’s many facets and talents.

We spoke about culture and conditioning and how it affects our decision making. In spite of having the benefit of education and exposure to a satisfying work life, the decision to file for divorce can take years before one takes that irreversible step.

Disclosing one’s marital status as divorced can be traumatic due to unexpected and unpleasant response from society and to this day continues to influence many young women who choose to remain in unhappy relationships or prefer to hide their single (or single parent) status.

Whether it comes to choosing a spouse or to leave a marriage, women need to know that they have agency. For Kiran, learning to put herself first has been a huge lesson for her and it has taken a lot of work to make it a practice as well as train her grown children to accept this new empowered version of herself.

In her life after divorce journey, women friends have been the bedrock of her new life. Help and support has come to her from all directions and in the most unexpected ways.

Here are some wise words from Kiran to women who are hesitating on the brink of a divorce  include:


Get in touch with your own true self - figure out what is you want and what you need to change so that you can rediscover yourself
Know that there are no guarantees that life will take shape and include every single thing you want, be flexible
Therapy helps for your self-development
Build yourself up but also build a community

If you are looking for simple actionable ways to rebuild your life after divorce, listen to this thoughtful conversation and know that you are supported.

If you are looking for a restful homestay for repose, solitude and renewal where you can connect with nature and experience a change of pace, do check out Birdsong and Beyond.  Kiran can be reached via email at Kiran.chaturvedi@gmail.com and on Facebook and Instagram at the handle Himalayan Birdsong.

Whether you are thinking about divorce, have left an unhappy marriage or are curious about how women fare after divorce, do listen and let me know your thoughts.

Please rate and review the show!

If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a five-star rating and review, and subscribe!

Your reviews help me reach more listeners with the important message that it’s never too late to rewrite your happily ever after.