The TotalSelf Considered The TotalSelf Considered

How is it that sex can be so pleasurable and yet so complicated and anxiety provoking?







Why do couples in loving long term relationships often find it difficult to resolve issues in their sexual relationships? What are “sexual scripts” and how can they get in the way of having a more satisfying sex life?







In this episode of the TotalSelf Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Mike Moran, Licensed Psychotherapist & Sex Therapist, Certified Emotionally Focused (EFT) Couples Therapist & Supervisor, Inner Bonding Facilitator and Creative Arts Therapist. Jeff and Mike unpack models of sexual response and sexual scripts, and discuss the interconnection of our sexual and relational cycles while providing examples based on real-life cases. They also address other key issues such as whether there really is such a thing as being sexually incompatible with your partner, and how partners can learn to safely stretch their boundaries while being respectful of each other and themselves.  







Summary of Episode









* Emotional closeness and sexual closeness

* Why couples in monogamous relationships might have more difficulty in there sexual relationships than partners who are casually dating 

* Emotional/relational – sensual/sexual cycles and how they are different but closely linked

* Big difference between playing it safe and feeling safe 

* Models of sexual response

* Seeing one’s domestic partner through the erotic lens

* 1st model of sex: excitement (arousal) – plateau – orgasm – resolution

* Evolution of the early model of sex: importance of desire and willingness

* Negative cycles triggered by a partner initiating sex and getting rejected

* Emotional connection and how it plays differently into sex for different people

* Desire first or arousal first

* Negative cycles triggered by lack of feeling safe and lack of open communication

* Sexual scripts: how does our erotic energy come alive

* Factors that influence sexual scripts – gender expectations, cultural norms

* Feedback loop that builds erotic energy

* An example of a couple dealing with disconnection very differently from each other

* Does sexual incompatibility really exist? 

* Difficulty for partners to tolerate seeing the ways in which they are different

* Sex as a power exchange

* The importance of getting curious and taking risks

* Personal boundaries 

* Fetishes and relational cycles

* Increasing acceptance and expanding scripts

* Playfulness – key to getting out of our heads and cultivating erotic energy 

* Truth about our brains being the biggest sex organ

* How therapist help people re-remember the receded, no longer used aspects of themselves









Quotables







“If this person’s so important to you that it would be a real loss if things were not to work out – when that’s the case, sometimes it’s very difficult to come forward and risk letting our partner into our more vulnerable feelings.” – Mike







“There’s the relational cycle and there’s the sexual cycle, and they’re different systems, different cycles but they’re inextricably linked.” – Mike







“It could be counterintuitive to think we’re in such a loving relationship, why would we be having this confusion, this anxiety… but there’s a lot to it when people are letting their armour down to be able to engage with each other at that intimate level, sexually” – Jeff







“When we’re helping couples, we want to help them realize that they’re playing it safe,

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Do you have questions about medical marijuana that you wish you could get straight, scientific, non-judgemental answers to? Do you have a health condition that you believe cannabis could help with, but hesitate about talking with your doctor? Are you open to using medical marijuanna but unsure how to obtain it legally?







In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Sang Choi, the pharmacist in charge and director of the downstate region medical marijuana dispensary in New York. Jeff and Sang discuss the long-lasting impact of the predominantly illegal status of marijuana, the resulting stigma created around its use for medical purposes, and why even though political and cultural attitudes have been shifting many people are still uncomfortable talking about medical marijuana with their health providers. Sang explains how CBD and THC work in our bodies and the importance of finding the optimal balance and dosage of each ingredient to meet one’s unique needs. Jeff and Sang also go over the process of finding a certified practitioner, obtaining a medical marijuana card, and what it’s like to visit a medical marijuana dispensary. 







Summary of Episode









* The reasons behind the slow legalization of marijuana by states and on the federal level 

* History of cannabis use for medical and pain relief purposes

* Stigma related to the use of cannabis

* Regulations and further stigmatization of marijuana, and targeting of minorities

* Changes in perception of and rules for marijuana use

* Distinction between medical and recreational use

* Is there evidence supporting the claims about wide-ranging benefits of cannabis

* Medicinal effects of THC and CBD 

* Three different cannabinoids: made by our own bodies, plant-based, and synthetic

* Process of getting medical marijuana in the state of NY

* Conditions that qualify patients to get a medical marijuana card

* How to find qualifying practitioners 

* What to expect at the marijuana dispensary

* How a pharmacist like Sang explains cannabis to patients at the dispensary

* Compassionate Care Act in NY

* Side effects of cannabis

* Different forms, concentrations, and doses of cannabis

* Misconception that marijuana can only be taken in smoke form

* Pharmacists guide patients in finding the right form and dose of products

* Similarities with other medicines such as antidepressants /SSRI

* Concerns about drug interactions

* Medical marijuana use during pregnancy and breastfeeding

* Potential dangers of vaping marijuana and vaping vs smoking marijuana by burning it

* What people should know about ingesting cannabis and how it gets metabolized

* Costs associated with getting a medical marijuana certification and purchasing the products

* Governor Cuomo’s plans to set up a board 

* Risks of traveling with medical marijuana products due to varying state and federal laws









Quotables







“To be able to reduce the dose or use medical marijuana instead of an opioid, what an amazing thing that would be…” Jeff Fine







“I think when you break it down to, that cannabis is medicine, it helps patients feel more at ease that it’s not this hokey medicine but an actual substance, a natural substance that helps the pain or nausea…” Sang Choi







“People should know that it’s not illegal to talk to your internist or any other doctor about the possibility of treatment with medical marijuana…...

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Why do so many of us find it so difficult to talk about sex? How important is the pleasure aspect in sexual relationships? Who should one go to if they are having issues with sexual intimacy?

In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Zoya Simakhodskaya, a psychotherapist specializing in couples therapy and sexual relationships. An experienced therapist, instructor, and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) practitioner, Zoya brings her insights from many years of working with couples and educating therapists about the importance of addressing sexual issues in relationships. Jeff and Zoya discuss what goes into a healthy, satisfying sex life and why people avoid talking about sex. Together, they break down common patterns that lead to issues in sexual relationships, and the personal, social and cultural factors that complicate the issues, and share some advice for couples who may be struggling.

Summary of Episode



A lot of partners don’t talk about sex with each other, parents and children don’t talk about it – why? 

Vulnerability and sensitivity about ourselves as sexual beings

Importance of trust

The way parents talk about sex and bodies, and how it can lead to feelings of shame or fear in young people

Therapists could also get better informed about how to talk about sex

Not “the” conversation, but ongoing conversations

Make sex beautiful – talking about pleasure



How one’s negative comments about their own or other people’s appearance can affect children’s view of themselves



Importance of sexual intimacy in romantic relationships

Feeling loved, connected, desired has a big impact on the relationship overall

Definition of a healthy sexual relationship – World Health Organization’s version

Key components of healthy sexual relationships: positive, respectful, pleasurable and safe

A variety of sexual experiences can be healthy as long as they are respectful and pleasurable for both people

A negative sexual cycle in EFT – what is it and how it plays out

Searching/pursuing vs withdrawing

Need for emotional connection for sexual intimacy 

Stereotypes of pursuer and withdrawer and how they don’t apply along gender lines

Cultural shift in couples’ dynamics

Even couples who get along well can have difficulties in their sexual relationship

How a person’s emotions and sense of safety can have a big impact on whether the sexual relationship is satisfying

Who to consult for different kinds of sexual issues

Sexual issues arising from medical problems and sexual issues related to emotional aspects

What defines safe will vary for each couple

Therapists should be mindful of bringing in their own morals or expectations about sexual relationships into their work 

Advice from Zoya to couples who are unsatisfied in their sexual relationship

Committed, happy couples can also have issues in their sexual lives

“Hold Me Tight” workshops for couples



Quotables

“The quality of the emotional relationship will always affect their sexuality.

It’s very hard to feel relaxed, and playful, and have fun if you are stressed out.”- Zoya

“Being intimate implies you have to let some of your armor down. If you don’t feel safe, that armor is really hard to let down.”  – Jeff

“Be brave and courageous to bring it up if you’re struggling.” – Zoya

Resources/links

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When we’re injured we want answers. We want someone to tell us what is wrong and what to do about it. Yet all too often, people in pain find themselves on the medical merry-go-round. They go to multiple doctors and other providers only to find that their pain remains unchanged or worsens. And because pain causes not just physical but also emotional suffering (hopelessness, despair, and frustration), sometimes people stop trying to find new ways to heal.

The good news is that yoga, though familiar to many in our culture but rarely viewed as a viable modality to treat and manage injuries and pain, may be just what the doctor didn’t order!

In this episode of the podcast, I speak with Caryna Wong, who has had great success using yoga to help clients work through injuries, manage pain, and improve their functional capacity. Caryna found non-traditional ways to manage her pain and heal herself after going through the aftermath of a car accident, as well as auto-immune and other health problems. As someone who personally dealt with chronic pain and multiple injuries, and transformed herself, Caryna brings unique insights into her work with people dealing with injury and pain.

Listen to this episode of the TotalSelf Considered to hear more about how yoga and breath work can help manage and treat pain.

 

 

 



Episode summary:



* Many people suffering from chronic pain struggle to find out what will really help them, and often see multiple doctors and other providers

* Pain causes physical and emotional stress

* Caryna started practicing yoga after a car accident left her with lost range of motion. She was also dealing with scoliosis, herniated disks, and auto-immune issues

* Modalities that Caryna uses include yoga, and aerial yoga. Aerial yoga allowed her to move in a way to get strong without putting too much pressure on joints

* Nutrition also essential in managing inflammation and pain

* Pain can be demoralizing, can cause depression. Emotional – psychological experience a big part of pain

* Protecting yourself and experiencing pain due to fear – moving safely and getting stronger helps understand what’s fear and what’s injury

* Fear causes us to avoid and not try – hard to be motivated to keep exploring

* Breathing exercises and pain: resetting breathing patterns and “breathing into the pain”

* Breathwork is one of the most underrated sources of pain management

* For older people, people who are deconditioned, focus is on conditioning, strengthening without causing too much pressure on the spine or the joints

* For weekend warriors- important to spread training out or add more movement to your other days

* Active sedentary – most of us are sitting too much. Even people who are working out don’t move enough within the average day

* Caryna works with Dr Loren Fishman, to make sure she knows the diagnosis and pathology and is recommending safe movements

* Yoga work is very individualized, one-on-one. Doing exercises that are not individualized and unsupervised can cause more problems

* Older and fit people who are not keeping up with what they should/shouldn’t be doing are at risk of injury

* The body wants to move to the patterns and where the muscles are stronger

* Caryna treats multiple back injuries – unlike PTs who treat only one at a time

* Breathwork and meditation can calm down nervous system and interrupt the pain cycle

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The number of options when deciding what to include in your exercise program can get overwhelming: functional movement, body weight exercises, strength training, cardio, yoga, pilates, crossfit… As a result, it can be challenging to devise a fitness program that’s safe, effective, and maintains your interest long-term.







In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Vincent Metzo, Dean of the Advanced Personal Training Program at the Swedish Institute, Director of Education of Kettlebell Concepts, and licensed massage therapist.  As Vincent and Jeff discuss how to help build a healthy fitness program for 40-60 year-old “weekend warrior” types, they delve into the history of physical education programs in the US, what’s lacking in current fitness and exercise trends, and how important it is for people to have “physical literacy”. They encourage people to shift their mindset from “exercise” to a lifetime model of physical activity that includes locomotion skills, body management skills, and object manipulation skills.

Listen to the episode to find out the best approaches to building your fitness program, and understand what physical literacy is all about.

 



 







 

Summary of Episode







* 40-60 male and females who want to exercise, have fun, compete, but avoid injury* Active sedentary lifestyle* “Just do what you like” might not give you the best return on your investment* Baby boomers and Gen X have had very different physical education programs in school* First crucial step when designing a fitness program is to assess where you are so you can set a realistic roadmap to where you want to be* It’s common for people to end up injured, bored, or lost, if they blindly start an exercise program without looking at where they are and where they want to go* Importance of mindset and thinking of exercise as a practice vs just one thing that you do* Martial arts is a lifetime model of physical activity which we are lacking in this country* The outcome of focus on sports & games vs physical literacy in schools* Physical literacy: locomotion skills, body management skills, object manipulation skills* Quality of movement: an essential component not many people pay attention to* Even some professional athletes are not physically literate because they are very specialized* Three main parts of the original physical education programs: military gymnastics (being fit and strong enough to work and defend yourself), medical gymnastics (staying healthy and healing yourself), and pedagogical side (games, sports and leisure activities)* People need to choose different types of exercises: something for their physical self, something for their emotional/spiritual self, and something that they enjoy* Trends: increase in small group personal training, foam rolling and self-myofascial release* Economic and political reasons behind the current state of physical literacy* What role can trainers and mind-body professionals play to help people be healthier* Movement snacks* Schools can teach people the three components of fitness: resistance training, cardiovascular training, and flexibility* Difference between activity and exercise* Generational differences in fitness levels







Quotables







“There’s one school of thought which says ‘Find something you like and just do that.’ But what you like, what you’re good at, what comes easy to you,

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Why do so many couples fight about the same things over and over? What are the obstacles to sending clear emotional signals that allow partners to respond to each other with empathy and compassion? How can partners learn to work together to defeat the common enemy in their relationship, the negative cycle?

In this episode of The Total Self Considered, Jeff Fine interviews Wendy Tomkiel, a certified EFT therapist and supervisor who is also trained in AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), and ISTDP (Intensive Short Term Dynamic Therapy). Wendy and Jeff breakdown the anatomy of a couple’s fight, by explaining the primal wiring that all humans have, and the ways attachment needs shape our reactions to each other. Through typical examples of negative cycles, they pinpoint how EFT helps couples slow down enough to see their own movements in a cycle, and access more options when they start to fall into old patterns.

Listen to the episode to find out how couples can avoid falling into negative cycles.

 

Summary of Episode



* What do therapists mean by “distressed couple”?

* Attachment needs and their role in our relationships

* The coping strategies that people develop when attachment needs are not met

* The wiring of human brains – fear center, fight-flight-freeze response

* IN EFT, the main coping mechanisms are described as “withdraw” and “pursue”

* The secondary feeling, or the reaction observed when a couple is fighting vs the root of the issue

* Underneath the reactive emotion is the deeper, softer, more vulnerable primary feeling

* Partners’ reactive emotions impact each other leading to a negative cycle

* The “classic cycle”

* What withdrawers are feeling and doing in a cycle

* Why each partner’s coping strategies make sense

* How EFT helps each person start sharing their vulnerable feelings

* The negative cycle can keep going like an infinity loop

* What does it really mean when someone “doesn’t have feelings” or “doesn’t care”

* Uniting the partners against “the negative cycle”

* What does a secure bond look like vs an insecure bond?

* When partners are secure in their relationship, they are able to experience feelings in the present and not react to it as a life-death situation

* Other cycles couples can fall into: withdraw-withdraw (or burn-out pursuer), pursue-pursue

* People with disorganized attachment styles can have complex cycles



Quotables

“We as human beings don’t survive in solitary. We need to have connections and we know that in a very primal, deep level, it is hard-wired into our brain.” Wendy Tomkiel

“In this storm that feels so chaotic and overwhelming for both, each person’s coping strategies actually make perfect sense.” Jeff Fine

“What we always know is that there’s more to the story. And if it doesn’t make sense, then we don’t know the whole story.” Wendy Tomkiel

“The negative cycle is very restricting, it’s almost as if they’re stuck in some place where there’s not many options.” Jeff Fine

“Couples who have a secure bond – they fight, all couples fight – but they’re able to repair and come back together and heal the wound together.” Jeff Fine

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