A hypothetical podcast wherein three best friends consider life's real headscratchers, like: What if, instead of comedy, Dave Chappelle was the greatest action star of our time? Or how much ranch dressing is too much ranch dressing…on a salad at Macho Man Randy Savage’s house? Think of us as your three favorite morons who all have hearts of gold (except Josh).
The New Happy Days
Well, folks, it’s been a long week, but the count is finally in: Instead Of, the podcast, is 176 episodes long. That’s right! Your three favorite hosts are hangin’ it up, hangin’ it down, and hangin’ it on a towel rack, respectively. We’re not kidding: this one, right here, is the very last one. Join us, each and every one of you Dear Listeners, as we bid you farewell the only way we know how: graphic descriptions of Neopets having sex. In this, the final one, we explode a roving invisible volcano, Mike and Josh finally consummate their long-simmering romance, and we leave you with a classic final twist: Tapan has a job. May the world remember us by the trail of saliva-drenched microphones we left behind.
Pairings: bitter regret; innocence, lost; cautious optimism
The Gamut of Life
Hey, uh, "boo," and stuff. It's the last week in Spooktaboobular October, but if you're anything like your three favorite podcast hosts, you're feeling definitively anti-spooky this year. Instead, this week Josh plays pinball with human lives, Tapan installs dunk horns on his many basketball hoops, and Mike nurtures his burgeoning nudism.
Pairings: low expectations; wing buckets; hog fodder
British Politician or Swedish Beatnik?
In the strictly non-sexual holodeck here at Instead Of HQ, *almost* anything goes. The number two thing we use it for is fashion shows. Look! Here comes Josh down the runway with a sultry strut, sporting his signature crotch-top bodyromper in a very jazzy print. And there's Tapan, hand on his hip, beret on his head, John Silver cigarette dangling from his lips. Mike? We sort of... lost him to the holodeck. He's been living in there for months, downing hole-ales at the fantasy pub and rearranging knick-knacks at his new place in Falkreath.
Pairings: cool proximity; full Bacchus; a ProMax pocket protector
The Clinching Joke
As the old saying goes, the road to Bob Dole's grave is paved with gingersnaps. This week on Instead Of, we learn that Bob Dole is alive, though our cherished 'snaps have crumbled for a grater cause. By the Untethered Horse, we solemnly swear that in this one, Josh adds bitters to his cheesecake, Mike becomes Fully Integrated with The Customer Service Matrix, and Tapan shows his son how it's (un)done.
Pairings: legit_gasp.mp3; dubious claims about your Mayan heritage; catstronauts
The Wet Foot Trauma
Dear Apple Podcasts, Boy did this week's Instead Of suck! The hosts—a fish hatcher, a sexy Tesla intern, and an autocratic iconoclast—do everything from slander the sex moves of the great and powerful Elon Musk to plot the defenestration of Mickey Mouse himself. This podcast must be stopped. No more pee trauma. No more mustache play. Enough is enough. 0 stars!
Pairings: a massive Sunday load; warm, wet water; a free rag
Bagelsaurus by Josh
Look, everybody makes mistakes. Some of us get fired for performance reasons eighteen months ago and justifiably hide it from our friends and family, while others do unspeakably monstrous things like play anthology TV series out of order. We're here to tell you: it's okay. First of all, there's probably a great Fargo recap vid. And second, you need to cut yourself some slack. Paste yourself some forgiveness. Now get back in that hallway, slam a Natural Light, and gaffe away, kid!
Pairings: T-Rexas Toast; Water Drowns Water; girth glottals