Pro-Trump Manatees, Arminian Riots, and Big Tech Censorship The Babylon Bee

This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 1/15/2021.
In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week’s biggest stories like how Arminians are storming the gates of Heaven to protest election, wild manatees are suddenly coming out in a strong show of support for Donald Trump, and censorship is hitting anyone to the right of Stalin thanks to “Big T.” Kyle’s favorite bird to pronounce eats an alligator, samosas fly into space, and the squirrels are up to something! It’s another The Babylon Bee news show!
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Introduction
Kyle celebrates his birthday with the California Highway Patrol.
Stuff That’s Good
Kyle likes Pete Vik’s Hope and Light & Darkness.
Ethan likes Gran Torino… again. And The Outlaw Josey Wales. Okay, Clint Eastwood stuff n general.
Weird News
Game warden uses marksmanship to rescue deer with locked antlers
Fulfilled prophecy? Mysterious NYC squirrel attacks rise in Queens neighborhood: Report
Website seeks 'professional binge watcher' to watch Netflix, eat pizza
Samosa sent to 'space' by British eatery crash-lands in France
Scientists Report First Instances of Dwarf Giraffes
Florida manatee has 'TRUMP' etched into its side; officials seek information
Florida bird caught on video swallowing whole alligator
Kyle gets three Guinness World Records since it is his birthday!
Man chops through apples while juggling knives for Guinness record
 
Siblings Set World Record for the Highest Combined Age, 1042 Years
Athlete does 64 hand-release pushups in one minute for new record
Stories of the Week
Story 1 Arminians Storm God's Throne Room To Protest Election
Summary:A gang of rogue Arminians has broken into God's throne room in order to protest the doctrine of election, sources confirmed Thursday. Hordes of the anti-Calvinist protesters stormed the gates of heaven before angels were forced to fall back and barricade the throne room.
 
"Down with the predestined, sovereign election of God!" cried one man from Florida as he burst into the throne room wearing a buffalo hat. "This whole thing is rigged! Divine interference!"
Arminians were seen scaling the walls of heaven. One managed to hang a "Who is able to resist His will?" banner on the gates of the place, while others busted in and started roaming the streets of gold looking for the Lord's throne room. A few made it in but were instantly killed by being in the presence of the Almighty God, sparking further protests.
There was very little looting, though a few Chick-fil-A sandwiches were taken.
At publishing time, Arminians had suggested the protesters were actually Calvinists disguised as Arminians to make them look bad. Calvinists say there is no proof of this as most of the protesters had neither beards nor smug looks on their faces.
 
The Real Story: Oh wait, the capitol building got stormed too? The capitol building was stormed, presumably by pro-Trump fanatics who think the 2020 election was rigged. 
-A man in a buffalo hat was there and another man walked off with a podium. One man ransacked Nancy Pelosi’s office. 
-Also, in related news, The Babylon Bee slack channel simply titled #Theology because #ArguingAboutCalvinism was too long, has kicked off with many fiery screeds about free will, election, predestination, and the love of God.
-Imagine if Trump had won, none of this would have happened. this is Antifa at the capitol:
-Antifa leader “Brothers, fret we may, but a fair election has ended and we must accept the results, though they were not in our favor. Lay down your bricks. Remove the vodka soaked rags from your molotov cocktails and drink with me as we accept these results like men. We shall leave the Capitol unmolested, we will don no bu