Simple on Purpose | Intentional Living and Parenting Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor

Years ago I learned a simple tool that has improved all my relationships. This tool is about looking for the cues that others are giving us - and using those times to connect. They are called Bids For Connection, a Gottman term. I will outline what bids are, ways to respond, and how to simplify the process. 



Before we jump in, remember to stay connected through the Simple Saturdays email,   you can sign up here. 

 

Key points and related links



* What bids for connection are 



* Our marriage was struggling, here are 12 things that helped us heal and strengthen it

* When They Tell Me I’m Lucky to Have Him

* Why it’s worth paying attention to love languages and expectations in marriage





* Noticing different types of bids for connection in your partner, kids and friends



* Gottman's list of type of bids 





* Three responses to bids for connection (turning towards, away, against)



* Gottman research on bids and relationship success





* Applying bids for connection to parenting 

* Recognizing your own bids for connection, and unmet needs

* Benefits of responding to bids for connection with empathy



* 85. When empathy is hard in marriage and friendships

* 84. How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship

* 207. Our judgements and assumptions of others (fundamental attribution bias and how it impacts our relationships)





* Starting simple by noticing and responding to bids for connection



* Using bids to connect through presence, not just problem-solving

* 16. When did I stop enjoying my kids? Knowing your vision and values. The best waffles ever.

* 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life















Full transcript (unedited)



0:00

Hey friends, it's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simpler purpose.ca. Welcome to this and on purpose podcast or right away. Announcement, I mentioned probably in the emails, at least maybe on the podcast, I can't remember that I will be wrapping up the podcast for the summer. And at this point, what I am deciding to do is actually retire the podcast, at least for the time being,

We all make assumptions and judgments of others - but did you know there is a bias we have in our judgements?



This bias shows up in all of our relationships and it can create an opposition and divide in places we actually want empathy and compassion. 



In this episode we explore the Fundamental Attribution Bias, how it impacts our relationships and what to do about it. 

As mentioned in the episode, you can find the Spotify playlists here, and sign up for Simple Saturdays here. 

Key topics covered in this episode 



The purpose of relationships, how this has shifted over generations



Relationships and wellbeing: The Havard Adult Development Study 





Making assumptions about others



Filling in the blanks and mind-reading



199. Mindset traps to be aware of (cognitive distortions that might be holding you back in motherhood and life)





Perception is a projection, how our judgements and assumptions can reflect our own struggles and opinions





The Fundamental Attribution Bias



How we judge the action of others vs how we judge: character or circumstance 





The me vs them mentality (or Us vs Them)

Examples of it in marriage



62. My husband put the groceries away wrong, he doesn’t care about me (love languages and expectations in marriage)





Awareness and empathy



84. How parenting with empathy can transform your relationship

85. When empathy is hard in marriage and friendships





* Accepting the hard parts of ourselves



* 162. Think the best of me, or not. Allowing the hard and awesome in ourselves and in our lives.





* Getting 1:1 coaching support



* Book a session with Shawna here







 



 







FULL TRANSCRIPT



(unedited)



Hey guys, it's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. I want to give you a heads up right away this podcast will retire for the summer. So just a heads up. Our summer starts at the end of June. I encourage you in those months to use the archives, we have over five years of episodes on all of the topics. So if you want to be intentional about listening to them, I suggest you use the Spotify playlists and define those,

When you think you need all the things and the dream home to be happy.... then you realize you need to shed the weight of 'stuff' and consumerism in order to find yourself and find peace. Renee Benes, of the Unstuffed Podcast, shares some of her story of downsizing, decluttering the closet and what it taught her about herself and her life. 



 







In this episode, we talk about:



* Renee gave up her dream home to downsize and adopt minimalism

* The process of decluttering the closet, letting go of those clothes that no longer fit your identity or body

* How to navigate an appreciation of fashion with minimalism

* Capsule wardrobes, seasonal clothing, shopping 

* The influence of social media on us and how it impacts approaches to minimalism 



 



This episode is a portion of our interview, the rest of the interview covers topics such as:



Death and loss

Raising kids

Scarity and abundance 

And even kid’s bday presents



There is audio and video available for the rest of this fun interview! 



 



Find Renee at the Unstuffed Podcast and on Instagram 



Join the Simple Saturdays Email



Be part of the Life on Purpose Community 



 







 



Full Transcript



Speaker 1 0:00

 Welcome to the simple purpose Podcast. Today we have a very unique episode. This is a guest episode, which rarely happens. And the reason you're hearing it here today is because I have recently started the Patreon the life on purpose community, and I would like to offer guest episodes in that community. So I wanted to make sure and share some of the year so you can meet Renee, who I'm talking with today. And here's some of her story. Because I enjoy her story. You'll hear me tell Renee, that I have followed her on Instagram for years. And I was really drawn to her content, because she was talking about the things I was interested in about saving money, but like just the real practical, like discomfort and stuff about saving money and shopping. And she was talking about becoming a minimalist and how it was changing her life. And she was very laid back about it. It wasn't all curated, tablescapes and rose gold and just do these three things, and your life will be simplified, and it was really relatable. So Renee has a podcast called unstuffed. And she's also an Instagram I'm gonna make sure to link are in the show notes. What you're going to hear, hear, hear, hear, what you're going to hear today is a mini version of a longer episode. There's actually two more parts to this episode one is an audio podcast, and the other is a video and those will be available on Patreon coming soon. In this episode, though, we're going to talk about downsizing, Rene's experience with downsizing our home. We're going to talk about closets and clothes and how consumerism and social media plays into all of these things about our lives and who we think we are. So I want to just jump right in. I hope you enjoy. Welcome



Shawna Scafe 1:46

to the podcast. I'm so excited to have you here.



Renee 1:49

Hi, Shawna. Yeah,



Shawna Scafe 1:51

thanks for having me.



Renee 1:52

I'm excited to sit down and chat. Yeah.



Shawna Scafe 1:53

So I don't often do well, I rarely ever do guest interviews.

Our relationship to 'enough' can show up in all the areas of our life. Whether we struggle with discomfort, self-worth, setting limits, or offering ourselves more - we all can consider how the concept of 'enough' and 'sufficient' can play out in our minds, hearts and lives. 





Key topics in this episode, and related links for more information



*

Enough exercise for this season



* TRX videos in my workout playlist of videos I used and loved





*

Setting boundaries with our phone



* Intentional phone habits (episode and worksheets)





*

Having a constant need for comfort



* Type 9, How the enneagram changed my life





*

Times of parenting that are so difficult and what 'enough' looks like in those seasons



* Difficult parenting





*

Asking what is 'enough' when decluttering



* Can A Minimalist Have a Full Kitchen?

* Til We Have Just Enough Stuff





*

Struggling with moderation and knowing what is too much and what is too little 



*

Hurdles for women really knowing what is enough, for themselves.



*

Relying on external sources to compensate our 'not-enoughness'



* 186. Doing life with less (summer challenge)

* 192. Who are you when I’m not looking (internal vs external validation)





*

Having a mindset of 'not enough' 



* 40. Does the ‘not-enough’ mindset show up in your momlife? (Scarcity/Abundance)

* You Can Simplify Your Life Series





*

Looking at this through a faith lens  



* the BEMA episode on Genesis, Creation, Enough







 

Questions mentioned in this episode that you can use for reflection and journalling: 



* What relationship do I have with the terms 'enough' and 'sufficient'?

* How skilled to I feel at gauging 'enough' for myself?

* Where does scarcity show up for me?

* Where do I struggle to feel like I am doing enough/am enough/have enouhg?

* How has being online made me feel like there is something about me or my life that isn’t enough?

* What does the world around me, seasons and nature, teach me about 'enough'?

* Where do I feel like I have too much in my life?

* Where do I feel like I have too little in my life?

The most common question I get is "how do you balance motherhood, life and work?". We are all seeking to have more balance in our daily lives and make sure we get everything done.  In this episode, I share my struggles with having a toddler and baby and looking for balance in my life. I share the common themes I hear from clients on the topic of balance. And I want to offer you different ways to define balance for yourself. 





Main topics covered in this episode (and all the related links you might like):

The Life on Purpose Community is open on Patreon



* Listen to a quick episode about what Patreon is and what to expect from the community

* Join the community here

* This month we are covering the topics of balance and moderation



How our culture influences our definition of balance, and the societal expectations on moms, working moms and women in general

How do you define balance? What has your culture told you about what balance looks like for a working mom?



How does the workplace support working moms, working families? 



* 203. Being a mom who enjoys her life

* The Meeting Your Needs Series

* 188. Motherhood & Social Media (how online communities impact your motherhood experience)

* 194. I stopped calling myself a lazy mom (addressing the overwhelm of motherhood)

* Hurdles to being a mom who has dreams and hobbies

* 126. The Joy of Being Mediocre (hobby without the hustle)



 

Both my personal experiences and working with moms tell me that we think others are finding balance but we aren't

We get the sense that others have found balance and ease in their life, we don't see their struggles or inner critics. 



* 145. You aren’t alone mama, I go through that too

* What I Learned While Searching for Balance in Motherhood

* 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk



 

Reframing the definition of balance can bring a lot of freedom to a mom who is struggling to make vague or unattainable standards of balance in their life



* 189. Prioritizing the day: if everything matters nothing matters and how to appl...

There are seasons in life where we feel like we have lost ourselves, especially in motherhood. We might feel stuck and like we aren't enjoying our lives. I want to talk to how we can move 'away from pain' or 'towards pleasure',  and some simple ways we can bring delight and passion into our daily lives. 





In this episode, Shawna Scafe, Professional Counsellor and Coach speaks on:



* The language we use to talk about passionate living, desire, enjoying life, pleasure and callings



* What I have learned about 'callings' and dreams





* Times in life we feel stuck and how that can lead to lowered motivation



* Making decisions from a place of stress





* Two types of motivation: towards and away



* 177. Understanding what is motivating you (chasing vs avoiding)

* 201. Overcoming negative self-talk and to moving towards positive self-talk

* Book - Pure Pleasure: Why do Christians feel so bad about feeling good? 





* The way our culture, upbringing and our own assumptions impact how we enjoy our life

* The discomfort we might feel with giving ourselves permission to enjoy our lives, especially as moms and the guilt that comes up

* The way martyrdom holds us back from enjoying our life



* 67. Making motherhood harder than it needs to be (Mom Martyr)

* 138. Is momlife UNFUN? How to be a more FUN MOM, stop withholding fun from yourself





* Start with simple things 



* Show up for yourself in small ways

* Listening to yourself 

* Ideas on ways to delight in your life today







 

The Life on Purpose Community 

In this episode, I talk about the upcoming post I will be sharing in the Patreon on the topic of How to Not Lose Yourself in Motherhood.



* If you would like access to this bonus content and join the Patreon community, head on over to Life on Purpose Community and join us there. 







Full Transcript (unedited)



0:06

All right, this is Take three. Hey, friends. It's Shawna, your nerdy girlfriend and counselor from simple on purpose.ca. Welcome to the simple on purpose podcast. See, that was easy. I don't know why it takes me so long to do that sometimes.



All right, so we're getting ready here in BC. For spring break, we're gonna have spring break with the kids home for two weeks. And I think we're all excited about it, it felt like life has been really busy with extracurricular activities, hockey, all of that stuff in so we're just going to hang out with family. Hopefully conor and I will get a night away, the kids will visit their grandparents just hang out around the house, I have the idea of making everyone watch the Harry Potter movies with me and going on family walks. But my kids have different ideas.