Social Skills Coaching Patrick King

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00:02:29 The COIN Framework
00:03:59 In Carroll’s book, The Feedback Imperative: How to Give Feedback to Speed Up Your Team's Success

00:16:56 How to Say No
00:26:48 Technique 1: The Agreement Frame
00:37:41 Technique 2: VOMP
00:42:13 Technique 3: Nonviolent Communication

00:53:53 The Six-Step Apology
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• The goal during conflict is to increase positive feelings for everyone involved. One way to do this is with Carroll’s COIN framework—context, observations, impact, and next (follow-up actions). Use plenty of “I” statements, pause often, and be as clear and direct as possible. When giving feedback, focus on what can be done in the future rather than what has already been done.

• There are many ways to navigate communication when you disagree. The agreement frame helps the other person release their resistance to your perspective because you are able to really support their views or values first and seek common ground that puts you on the same team.

• The art of saying no includes understanding the different kinds of assertions, including basic assertions (statements of facts and limits), empathic assertions (asserting needs and limits whilst acknowledging others’ with kindness), consequence assertions (following through with consequences of not respecting your boundary), discrepancy assertions (drawing attention to difference between what was agreed and what is happening), and negative feeling assertions (owning your own emotions and stating them).

• VOMP is another technique and stands for voice/vent, own, moccasins, and plan. Say your piece and allow the other person to say theirs, own your part in the conflict, show empathy for their perspective, and then move forward with a concrete plan on how to act in the future.

• Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication is about making neutral observations, expressing feelings with “I” statements, sharing needs, and making reasonable and respectful requests.

• If none of these three techniques work, you can manage a difficult person by “fogging” (being as neutral and non-reactive as possible) or repeating boundaries like a “broken record” until they lose interest.

• Finally, learn the six elements of a successful and genuine apology: express regret and remorse, explain yourself, accept full responsibility, repent, make an offer for reparations, and, only at the end, request forgiveness. Realize that you are not entitled to forgiveness, and accept whatever happens with grace.

#AgreementFrame #AnnaCarroll #COINFramework #Communication #Lewicki #MarshallFritz #MarshallRosenberg #NVP #Ransberger #RansbergerPivot #RayRansberger #RoyLewicki #SixStepApology #VOMP #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home
00:01:42 Pleasing others becomes a transaction or a deal
00:02:44 Mindfulness Meditation for People-Pleasers
00:06:09 1. Sit somewhere comfortably, slow your breathing, and relax.
00:06:16 2. If worries, concerns, and anxious thoughts pop up, say hello to them but set them aside.
00:06:26 3. Focus calmly on your breathing
00:06:37 4. When distracting thoughts pop up again, set them aside again and come back to your breath.
00:09:02 Loving-Kindness Meditation for People-Pleasers
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• Kindness and compassion are wonderful if they are genuine. People-pleasers need to learn to develop the skill of genuine kindness rather than acting out of fear, obligation, or a sense of transaction. Mindfulness and loving-kindness practice are two ways to help rescue genuine compassion from the need to please.

• Mindfulness meditation is about presence and being aware of the present moment without judgment or grasping. Go calm and quiet within, setting aside thoughts as they arrive and accepting what is without trying too hard to achieve any particular end.

• Loving-kindness meditation practices generating warm, accepting, and loving attention and extending it to others as well as to yourself. Visualize kindness flowing to the people you love, then progressively to others, and finally to yourself. Compassion does not mean agreement or forgiveness, only that we can acknowledge that as human beings, we all have worth since we are part of what is.

#Boundary #Compassion #Lovingkindness #LovingKindnessMeditation #Meditation #Mindfulness #MindfulnessMeditation #Peoplepleasers #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #StandUpForYourself #SetBoundaries #StopPleasingOthers

Easily listen to Social Skills Coaching in your podcast app of choice at https://bit.ly/social-skills-home
00:06:44 As Stephen Covey says, seek first to understand, then to be understood.
00:10:38 The Four Types of Empathic Responses
00:16:15 What Do You Do When Things Go Right?
00:28:54 Shift responses versus Support Responses
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• Emotional intelligence is also something we do rather than something we are. Thankfully, it can be learned.

• Empathic listening is total, genuine attention to the other person and the message they are trying to convey. Set aside your own ego and perspective and become genuinely curious about someone else’s world, listening to understand rather than to respond. Be curious and receptive rather than reactive, “listening” to verbal and nonverbal signals.

• To respond empathically, acknowledge their courage, ask questions to clarify their message, convey that you care, and check in with how they’re feeling.

• Offer responses that are both active and constructive, rather than passive and destructive, to create trust and connection. Remember that your response to someone’s positive expressions is a bigger determinant of the relationship quality than how you treat them when they’re unhappy. Show genuine interest in what you’re told and match and reflect people’s emotional experiences rather than invalidating it.

• Practice offering support responses (which maintain the focus on the speaker) instead of shift responses (which shift the focus of the conversation back onto you) if you want to avoid conversational narcissism. Try not to continually center your own emotional experiences or interpret other people’s experiences through the lens of your own. Instead, see conversation as a genuine back and forth and deliberately set aside yourself to learn more about others.

#ActiveConstructive #ActiveDestructive #CharlesDerber #ConstructiveResponding #EmpathicListening #GableGonzagaStrachman #PassiveConstructive #PassiveDestructive #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ThePowerofE.Q.