잇츠 유어 잉글리‪쉬‬ demasian

*Script
SC : I DON’T LIKE THAT Y’ALL. WE ARE NOT CASTING HIM. YOU ALSO HAVE A NEW SIRIUS RADIO PROGRAM.

JP : I DO!

SC : IT’S CALLED, JIM PARSON’S TOO STUPID FOR POLITICS. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SEEM LIKE AN INTELLIGENT PERSON. POLITICS DOESN’T TAKE THAT MUCH.

JP : NO, IT DOESN’T. WELL, MY INITIAL INTENT WAS TO CALL IT, “JIM PARSON’S TOO STUPID TO VOTE.” WE KINDA WENT BACK AND FORTH. WE JUST GOT OUT OF AN ELECTION, SO WE DIDN’T WANT IT TO FOCUS TOO MUCH ON THE ELECTION. BUT IT WAS KIND OF MY POINT. THERE’S ALWAYS AN ELECTION COMING UP, A MIDTERM OR WHATEVER. BUT THE ONLY THING THAT I REALLY CARED ABOUT WAS GETTING THE “STUPID” IN THERE.

LOOK, IT WAS THIS. I REALLY DO FEEL LIKE THERE’S JUST SO MUCH TO KNOW ABOUT EVERY SINGLE ISSUE OTHER THAN IRATE, PASSION, ANGER, SADNESS, GLEE. AND IN MANY WAYS, THANK YOU, IN MANY WAYS, YOU KNOW, I, AS SOMEBODY WHO HAVE FOUND MYSELF IN A LIBERAL CAMP A LOT OF THE TIME, VOTING FOR DEMOCRATS MOST OF THE TIME, I REALLY THINK THERE’S A WAY. FOR ME TO HEAR ABOUT AN ISSUE AND ONE OF THESE DAYS I’M GOING TO HEAR
ONE AND GO, “IF I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE IT’S ON, AND I JUST HEAR IT, I’M GOING TO GO,I JUST FOUND I HAVE A CONSERVATIVE POINT OF VIEW. BECAUSE I GREW UP IN TEXAS, I’M A TRADITIONAL KIND OF A PERSON. WHAT I’M SAYING IS I’M KIND OF CUTTING MY TIME HERE.

I WATCH “MORNING JOE”, I LISTEN TO LAURA INGRAM, (NAMES OF RADIO PROGRAM), WE HAVE A CONSERVATIVE STATION IN OUR RADIO, IN LA, AND I’M JUST TRYING TO LET… THAT SOUNDS HORRIBLE, DOESN’T IT. TO LET ALL THAT IN.

SC : IT DOESN’T AT ALL.

JP : OKAY. I JUST WANT TO HEAR THE REASON BEHIND EVERYTHING ELSE.

SC : THAT’S ADMIRABLE. IT’S ADMIRABLE.

JP : IT’S A LITTLE CRAZY-MAKING, BUT I’M GLAD IT’S ADMIRABLE.

*Script
SC : NOW, YOU’RE FROM HOUSTON, IF I’M NOT MISTAKEN.

JP : I AM. (YELL AND APPLAUSE FROM THE AUDIENCE) OH REALLY? I MEAN, IT’S A BIG CITY.

SC : YOU DON’T HAVE MUCH OF AN ACCENT LEFT.

JP : WELL, WELL...I MEAN, THERE’S TWO THINGS. NUMBER ONE, THEY BEAT IT OUT OF YOU IF YOU ARE IN SCHOOL, IN THE ACTING TRAINING-STUFF.

SC : YEAH, I’M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA AND MINE WAS SURGICALLY REMOVED.

JP : YOU DON’T SOUND LIKE THAT, DO YOU.

SC : NO, I HAD MINE REMOVED BY CESAREAN.

JP : THAT’S WHY IT’S SO PRETTY. UHM, THAT CONE-SHAPED HEAD, YOUR ACCENT.

SC : I CAN STILL WEAR A BIKINI.

JP : HAHA, EXACTLY. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

SC : WE ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU’RE FROM HOUSTON.

JP : OH YEAH, I DO THINK THAT I.. IF.. IT DEPENDS WHO I’M TALKING TO, HOW MUCH ALCOHOL IS INVOLVED, YOU KNOW. IT’S JUST THAT, MY MOTHER, MY FAMILY, THEY SPEAK, THEY ALL HAVE TEXAS ACCENT “Y’ALL”. I STILL SAY “Y’ALL.” I’VE NEVER LEFT AN AUDITION WITHOUT SAYING “THANK Y’ALL.” IT’S A REFLEX. IS THAT CORRECT? THANK YOU ALL, THANK Y’ALL.

SC : YEAH. “THANK Y’ALL.”

JP : I GOT JOBS.

*Script

MOVIES AND POP CULTURE JUST GET THIS ALL WRONG. THE IDEA OF A SINGLE EUREKA MOMENT IS A DANGEROUS LIE. IT MAKES US FEEL INADEQUATE BECAUSE WE HAVEN’T HAD OURS YET. AND IT PREVENTS PEOPLE WITH SEEDS OF GOOD IDEA FROM EVER GETTING STARTED. OH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MOVIES GET WRONG ABOUT INNOVATION? NO ONE WRITES MATH FORMULAS ON GLASS. OKAY? THAT’S NOT A THING, OKAY?

IN OUR SOCIETY, WE OFTEN DON’T TAKE ON BIG THINGS BECAUSE WE ARE SO AFRAID OF MAKING MISTAKES THAT WE IGNORE ALL THE THINGS WRONG IF WE DO NOTHING. THE REALITY IS ANYTHING WE DO TODAY WILL HAVE SOME ISSUES IN THE FUTURE. BUT THAT CAN’T STOP US FROM GETTING STARTED. AN ENTREPRENEURIAL CULTURE THRIVES WHEN IT’S EASY TO TRY LOTS OF NEW IDEAS. FACEBOOK WASN’T THE FIRST THING I BUILT. I ALSO BUILT CHAT SYSTEM, GAMES, STUDY TOOLS AND MUSIC PLAYERS AND I’M NOT ALONE. JK ROWLING GOT REJECTED 12 TIMES BEFORE SHE WROTE AND PUBLISHED HARRY POTTER.
EVEN BEYONCE HAD TO MAKE HUNDREDS OF SONGS TO GET HALO. THE GREATEST SUCCESSES COME FROM HAVING THE FREEDOM TO FAIL.

JF : YOU CAN GET RAW ONIONS THERE. DID YOU END UP GETTING A SANDWICH THERE? DID YOU USE THE VOUCHER?

CB : IT KINDA GOT ME HALF TO ¾ OF A SANDWICH. I COULDN’T AFFORD THE ONE WITH MEAT, WHICH IS PROBABLY A GOOD THING, ACTUALLY.

JF : IS THAT RIGHT? FIVE DOLLARS DOESN’T GET YOU A SANDWICH?

CB : NOT THESE DAYS.

JF : I FORGOT ABOUT THE INFLATION THERE. SO IT GOT YOU AN ALMOST FULL SANDWICH.

CB : YEAH. SO YOU OWE ME.

JF : YEAH, I DO.

CB : SO MY GIFT TO YOU (HANDS THE MINT TO FALLON)

JF : THANK YOU SO MUCH, I APPRECIATE IT.

CB : PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH, GO AHEAD. I DARE YOU.

JF : (PUTS THE MINT IN HIS MOUTH)

CB : OH YOU SWALLOWED IT. I WAS GONNA…

JF : YOU DON’T WANT IT BACK. THIS IS GREAT. I DIDN’T KNOW THEY MADE RAW ONION FLAVOR. IT’S LIKE GOING TO YOUR FAVORITE JEWISH DELI IN YOUR MOUTH. IT’S A FANTASTIC THING. I LIKE THIS A LOT. BUCKET LIST. I MEAN THIS IS ALL THINGS ON MY BUCKET LIST. SO, I WANNA KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU. I WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU.

CB : WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW, JIMMY?

JF : ARE YOU FROM AUSTRALIA? NO, YOU ARE FROM TEXAS?

CB : MY DAD WAS FROM, YEAH! YOU’VE DONE YOUR RESEARCH. YEAH, MY DAD WAS FROM TEXAS. SO, I GREW UP IN.. OH HI! YEE HAW YA YA!

JF : HI, Y’ALL.

CB : WE ALWAYS SAID IF WE HAD A GIRL, WE WOULD CALL HER YA YA BLANCHETT.

JF : WELL, HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?

CB : I HAVE.. UH…

JF : TAKE YOUR TIME.

CB : UHM.. FOUR.

JF : YOU HAVE FOUR CHILDREN.

CB : I DO HAVE A LITTLE GIRL. BUT SHE’S NOT CALLED YA YA.

JF : SHE HAS A REALLY CUTE LITTLE NAME. WHAT WAS IT?

CB : EDITH. WHAT ARE YOUR..?

JF : WINNIE AND FRANCIS.

CB : YOU’VE GOT A WINNIE?

JF : YEAH, I’VE GOT A WINNIE AND AN OUTIE.

CB : IS THAT WINIFRED?

JF : NO, SHE’S WINNIE, ACTUALLY.

CB : BECAUSE MY FIRST JOB WAS AT A NURSING HOME AND MY FAVORITE PATIENT WAS CALLED WINNIE. AND SHE USED TO SIT THERE AND WET HERSELF.

JF : I NEED TO GET HER ON THE PHONE. SHE’D LOVE TO HEAR THIS STORY.

CB : WELL, THE COOK WOULD MAKE THE FOOD AND I WOULD SERVE IT TO HER AND SHE WOULD GO “OH LO LO LO~” SO DOES SHE DO THAT? NO.

JF : NO. NOT YET. I’LL GET HER TO WORK ON THAT THOUGH. I APPRECIATE THAT.

*Script

JF : OH THAT’S OKAY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I WAS LIKE, I’VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE AND…

CB : TAKE MY GUM OUT..

JF : ARE YOU GONNA PUT IT IN MY MOUTH?

CB : IT’S A CUSTOM IN MY COUNTRY.

JF : YEAH, I’M USED TO HAVING BABIES PULLING THINGS OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS AND HOLDING IN MY HAND AND I GO, “OH, ARE YOU CHOKING?”
CB : NO, I WASN’T CHOKING. BUT I DID EAT RAW ONIONS. MAYBE I SHOULD PUT IT BACK IN.

JF : YOU ATE RAW ONIONS?

CB : NO, NOT DELIBERATELY. IT WAS JUST WITH SMOKED SALMON. AS YOU KNOW..

JF : EVERYONE DOES. WELL, YOU SMELL FANTASTIC.

CB : (SMELLS HER OWN ARMPITS) THANK YOU. (REACHES OVER TO FALLON TO SMELL HIS ARMPITS)

JF : OH, ME TOO?

CB : SO DO YOU.

JF : THANK YOU. I PUT RAW ONIONS UNDER THERE. IT’S A WEIRD THING, BUT I’M VERY HOLISTIC. WELL, I’VE NEVER MET YOU BEFORE, IS THAT TRUE?

CB : NO, WELL, LOOK. IT’S SO NICE TO FINALLY MEET YOU, CUZ YOU MAY NOT REMEMBER THIS, BUT AFTER I WON THE ACADEMY AWARD, WHICH I JUST DROPPED THAT IN..

JF : AWARD DROP MOMENT!

CB : YEAH, YOU SENT ME THE MOST.. YOU SENT ME A SUBWAY VOUCHER FOR 5 BUCKS. AND I WAS REALLY TOUCHED. YOU KNOW, I GOT VINTAGE DOM PERIGNON, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT. YOU GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

JF : PEOPLE SEND YOU FLOWERS..
CB : FLOWERS AND CAKES WITH MINI OSCARS ON THEM. 5 DOLLARS TO SUBWAY. THAT WAS REALLY SWEET. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

JF : OH, MY PLEASURE. I MEAN..

CB : YOU KNOW, I’M FINALLY MAKING IT TO HOLLYWOOD, I MIGHT FORGET TO EAT. GOOD HEALTHY FOOD.

JF : YEAH, THEY GOT THE FRESHEST ONIONS THERE, AT SUBWAY.

CB : THAT’S TRUE.