Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay

To get more information about the resources Mona has available for neurodiverse couples or individuals in mixed neurotype relationships check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com
_________________________________________________

During this episode with author Sarah Hendrickx, she will share how she met her partner 20 years ago and why she didn’t understand why their relationship was so wonderful and difficult at the same time. She also talks about how she began to discover her own neurotype and how she and her partner Keith compliment each other's strengths and understand and accomodate each other's differences. Sarah has been doing “non-clinical autism diagnostic assessments”, workshops and conference presentations for many years and the 2nd edition of her fantastic book "Women and Girls on the Autism Spectrum" was released this year and is a “must read”.

Other topics discussed include: 


The Lost Generation.
PCOS and Autistic women.
Anxiety and agoraphobia.
AuDHD and women.
Bridging the silos.
Menopause and ND women (autistic menopause.com is doing research on this topic)
What attracts neurodivergent partners? 
Not being focused on social conventions.
How neurodiverse couples are attracted to certain qualities in the beginning of the relationship that may drive them nuts as the relationship moves forward.
The differences in her relationship with Keith and how they help each other step up and take care of each other. (Socializing, sensory and emotional/mental health differences).
How alexithymia may be impacting your relationship.
The importance of self-awareness.
Acknowledging that you are no longer in the same relationship that you were in before you knew you were a neurodiverse couple.
The importance of shared core values.
Always be kind! 
Want the best for each other.
Understanding what is changeable and what is not.
The best you each can do is going to change…sometimes daily.


Other books and authors mentioned on the podcast:
Other books by Sarah: The Adolescent and Adult Neuro-diversity Handbook; Love, Sex & Long Term Relationships; Aspergers Syndrome and Employment; Asperger's Syndrome-a love story.
An Asperger Marriage by Gisela and Christopher Slater
Asperger Syndrome and Alcohol: Drinking to Cope by Matthew Tinsley and Sarah Hendrickx
Books by: Liane Holliday Willey (Pretending to Be Normal and Asperger Syndrome in the Family), Temple Grandin (The Autistic Brain and Navigating Autism) and Donna Williams (Autism: An Inside-Out Approach and Nobody Nowhere)

You can learn more about Sarah or contact her daughter Jess at: https://www.asperger-training.com/sarah-hendrickx
In addition, for more information about the assessments available you can go to: https://axia-asd.co.uk/




---

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love/message

If you would like to learn more about the resources Mona Kay has available, please check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com
________________________________________________
During this episode with Caron Starobin, LCSW, you will learn more about how Relational Life Therapy (RLT) can help neurodiverse couples understand how their challenges and lived experiences can be used to help them learn, grow and heal.
In addition, you will hear about the fantastic workshop that Caron helped organize for the Relational Life Therapy Foundation called “No Ordinary Life”.  You can purchase access to the workshop at the link below:
Neurodiversity No Ordinary Love - Relational Life Foundation

The RLT Relationship Grid is a visual representation of self esteem and boundaries and includes information about where each person ends up on the grid when they are having their worst day. Click on the link below for a picture of the grid. During this episode, Caron explains the grid and this visual will be helpful as you listen to the episode.
https://www.facebook.com/TerryRealRLI/photos/the-relationship-grid-relational-life-institute-coming-to-centerlike-many-people/1335146869845845/

Other topics discussed include:

Shame is thinking that you are worthless.
Desperation is being willing to do anything to make someone believe you, or hear you.
Grandiosity is when you think others are not as smart and worthy as you are.
Resignation and withdrawal focus on feeling like you are the one who is not tuning into your partner and that you may be broken.
Controlling may include asking your partner ”What is wrong with you? I’m always taking care of everything”.
Work on boundaries becoming less rigid or porous.
Both partners need to look at how they can communicate and function in a more healthy way.
Determine how you can each change your patterns and become more resilient.
In RLT the client is "the patterns" that get each couple stuck.
There are 8 lenses that are used to assess each client/couple:


1) Presenting problem 
2) Preconditions
3) The blatant latent
4) The losing strategies (there are 5 of these)
5) The stance, stance, stance
6) The Relationship Grid
7) Family of origin
8) Socio-cultural 



Understanding that the grieving process may be different for each partner and it’s important to acknowledge their markers of resilience.
It is important to accept limitations in each other and grieve what each partner had expected and accept the reality of "what is" moving forward.
Let go without resentment. If the resentment continues then you haven’t done the grief work.
Focus on doing "relational mindfulness" and be more yielding and generous.
Relational reckoning.


For more information on Relational Life Therapy, Caron recommends the books “The New Rules of Marriage” and “Us” by Terry Real.
If you would like to learn more about Caron's therapy practice and the groups she offers, please check out her website at: www.starobincounseling.com

---

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love/message

During this episode with Dr. Nan Wise, who is a neuroscientist, sex therapist, and relationship counselor you will learn how to better understand yourself and your partner and how you can each regulate your nervous systems.

In addition, other topics that are addressed include: 

Learning how to radically accept where you are as an individual and a couple.
Understand the core emotional systems: 
seeking system; care system; play system; lust system.
Defensive systems: fear system; rage system; panic/grief/sadness.
Understanding core differences between you and your partner and different ways of handling emotions.
Build bridges between the differences.
Most people argue over “matters of opinion”.
Get the understandable part of your differences and maintain a nonjudgmental attitude.
The negative impact of not learning how to take an effective stance for what you “need and want” in your relationship.
Learn how to ask for what you want and need “like a calm broken record”.
We need to learn how to regulate ourselves and shift out of flight, fight, or freeze mode.
Elongating exhalation-make the exhale longer then the inhale and this will help rebalance our core emotions out of a defense system.
Calming our nervous system to co-regulate with our partner.
Learn how to tune into the body channel.
Everyone feels their embodied emotions. Learn how to pay attention to the core sensations in your body.
Understanding cognitively infused emotions.
The importance of changing patterns to feel safe in our relationships because we’re not understanding each other.
Learn how to move from disconnection to connection by syncing your breath to entrain.
Eye contact, listening to a partners voice or speaking in a calm way can help with co-regulation and promote connection.
The benefit of heart coherence and giving your partner the benefit of the doubt and not assuming.
Learning how to do deep/active listening and “take a session”.  The listener says “What I hear you saying is_____.  Is that correct? Is there more?”
We “project” onto each other and may not understand that we are doing that.
There are different kinds of marriages and the most challenging times can be when we have children and when the children leave home.
How can you create a “sustainable” relationship?
Relationships break down because they’re pointing out to us how we need to grow as human beings.
Give yourself and your partner the benefit of the doubt, learn how to reset your nervous system, and take 100% responsibility for what “you” are creating in your relationship.


You can contact Dr. Nan Wise at www.askdoctornan.com

You may also want to buy her awesome book titled: "Why Good Sex Matters-Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier and a More Purpose Filled Life".


(Book/workbook by Brent Atkinson that Dr. Nan Wise mentioned in the podcast is "Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy: Advances from Neurobiology and the Science of Intimate Relationships ".) 



---

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love/message

During this episode, Judy Singer shares about her family story, her marriage, and her thesis that was the "groundbreaking sociology thesis that prefigured the last great liberation movement to emerge from the 20th century". In her book: "Neurodiversity-The Birth of an Idea" Judy states, “The internet is the prosthetic device that binds isolated socially unskilled autistics into a collective social organism capable of having a public voice.” Some of the other topics dicussed are:


Judy's work in disability studies.
Her research at the local library to better understand her mother.
Her relationship and experiences with her neurodivergent mother and her neurodivergent ex-husband.
Judy facilitated one of the first support groups for adult children of autistic parents. She called them "daughters of engineers".
Challenges at job interviews before understanding her neurodivergence.
Not being able to maintain eye contact at work.
Different parts that come out in different circumstances.
Worked in computer programming and hated it!
She systematizes information about people and that is why she is a sociologist.
After 8 years on the waiting list for public housing she got a subsidized apartment and then was able to return to college.
Consider what neurodiversity means to each individual and understand each other’s traits and accommodate each other.

You can contact Judy at: Neurodiversity2.blogspot.com

To learn more about Judy's groundbreaking thesis you can buy her book: NeuroDiversity-The Birth of An Idea.


---

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love/message

To learn more about some of the resources Mona has available you can check out her website at: www.neurodiverselove.com
___________________________________________________________________

During this episode with Sue Hutton and Jan Wozniak you will learn about the work they are doing in their mindfulness program for Autistic adults. In addition, Sue will share a mindfulness exercise that is used in the program they offer. Other topics discussed include the following:


Mindfulness helps you understand yourself from the inside out.
Applying ancient teachings to current issues.
Adapting Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Autistic Adults.
Mindfulness practices can help if you are feeling overwhelmed in social or sensory situations, or lost in daily life.
Mindfulness can also help you increase self compassion.
Current therapies may not address the challenges with overstimulation.


Co-regulation and reciprocity of energy.
In neurodiverse relationships there is a diversity of nervous systems, but partners may not understand the differences.
Rigid, ableist protocol may be very difficult for ND individuals.
"Mindfulness based stress reduction" curriculum has been modified to be compatible for ND folks and to be congruent with ND nervous systems.
Curriculum includes compassion and movement practices.
How to be able to cultivate self awareness when you’re alexithymic.
Mindfulness can help you connect with the things that might be difficult to access and accept that some things may be a challenge.
Learn how to show yourself some kindness and self compassion.
Mindfulness can also help with reducing sensory overload.
Learning how to calm down your sympathetic response to feel more confidence, safety and control.
Jan shares some of the complexities of his mixed neurotype relationship.
How moving in together impacted his relationship.
Understanding their different social needs and the importance of self regulation.
Important to have a partner that is open to effective and ongoing communication.
Honoring your needs is very important in a mixed neurotype relationship, as it can help prevent overload or overwhelm.
Relationship as practice (Ram Dass).
Learn about yourself in your relationship through a journey of self discovery, humility, understanding your sensory and social needs, patience, acceptance, and love.
Reflect before you react.
Try new practices together.


The facility that Sue and Jan work with is the Azrieli Adult Neurodevelopmental Centre, Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH)-Toronto, Canada




You can contact Jan at: Jan.wozniak@camh.ca or 
 https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/jan-a-wozniak-toronto-on/1252465
You can contact Sue Hutton at: https://www.suehuttonmindfulness.com

For more information on expressing your needs check out this short video from the Gottman Institute:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=EfcVKBhIjIo




---

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love/message

If you would like to learn more about the resources available through Neurodiverse Love, including
the Neurodiverse Love Conversation Cards and Workbook, please go to: www.neurodiverselove.com

_________________________________________________

During this episode, Mona has a great conversation with
Donna Henderson, Sarah Wayland and Jamell White,
the authors of "Is This Autism-A Guide for Clinicians and Everyone Else" and "Is This Autism-A Companion Guide for Diagnosing". The topics addressed include:


The value of explicit, direct communication.
Making assumptions that may not be true.
Misinterpretation during communication.
Understanding high and low context.
Taking things personally or judging your partner.
Being held accountable for something you didn’t say but may have been inferred.
Be curious when you feel yourself getting triggered.
Be aware of the amount of time you need to transition from work to conversation.
Get engagement first and then start communicating.
May have different fundamental needs around communication. 
Needing voice inflection to understand meaning.
Flat affect or tone of voice may be received incorrectly. 
Needing to process things out loud- vs- alone.
How can you each get your needs met without overpowering or neglecting the other?
Understand if your partner needs more processing time during a conversation.
Understand what leads to flooding or shutdown during conversations.
Understand when you’re hyperverbal you may be flooding your partner.
Asking your partner for what you need at the beginning of a conversation.
Understanding that you and your partner may define words differently.
Accepting that there are differences that may not be changeable.
Not having time awareness can create challenges and your partner may need transition reminders.
When frustrations are festering because you haven’t communicated explicitly what you need.
One person should not have all the burden of change.
What are the top 3 things that are challenges in your relationship?
Learning how to regulate your nervous system before engaging in a conversation with your partner.
There are different ways of connecting and we need to understand each other’s needs.
Sharing activities may be a great way for you to connect with your partner or family member.
What was your partner’s family’s communication style?
Understanding that fear in communication can create challenges.
People are usually doing the best they can with what they have.
Just ask!!!
See things through a curiosity lens.

You can contact Jamell White at:  drjamellwhite@gmail.com

You can contact Donna Henderson at: www.drdonnahenderson.com

You can contact Sarah Wayland at: www.guidingexceptionalparents.com


---

Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/neurodiverse-love/message