Deliver The Profile Deliver The Profile

Remember when Voit whispered something to Alvez and it pissed him off something fierce? Well, we find out what it is and it involves porn. Of the BAU. Rossi steamrolling Elle Greenaway while Reid wanks off in the corner. Presumably. There's also a guy who kills people on moving day. As someone who's moved multiple times in their life, being murdered would be a fine respite from moving day. "Homesick" just has Ronnie and Jazz homesick for the greener pastures of regular Criminal Minds, where at least this garbage would get resolved within 40 minutes.

They said it couldn't be done. Yes, it's TWO Criminal Minds recaps in one podcast! Ronnie and Jazz burned the midday oil for YOU, the listener, so YOU could be up to date on the comings and goings of the BAU in Season 17: Evolution 2: Electric Boogaloo. Sicarius the serial killer is in custody, Director Richard Schiff (now regenerated into looking like Clark Gregg) wants to make a deal with him, and all the while a guy or guys or girl named Gold Star is out killing, removing eyes and otherwise causing a ruckus. Will the details of Sicarius' deal with the FBI result in a lot of low grade Hannibal Lecter ripoff bullshit? You bet your ass. Of all the 584 episodes of Criminal Minds, "Gold Star" and "Contagion" are definitely some of them. Join the boys on this adventure to streaming hell, won't you?

Send in the clowns! Yes, Virginia, Criminal Minds did a fucking clown episode, and it's spectacular. Or stupid. One of those. A clown is killing men and leaving the kids alone, reversing the Pennywise paradigm popularized in Stephen King's child pornography book. What results is a cautionary tale about the death of the American Dream as it pertains to clowning. "The Capilanos" is a load of Italian nonsense, 40 minutes of two brothers who have to resort to crime because they've been blacklisted from the world of carnivals, circuses, rodeos and birthday parties. Matthew Gray Gubler directs, because why wouldn't he. Ronnie and Jazz try to make sense of it all as the countdown to Season 17 trudges on.

Gubler Month continues with "Alchemy", a not very subtle episode that depicts different kinds of grief. One kind kills men in some ill-fated fertility experiment. The other involves dancing inside your own mind.

This week: child abduction! Sparkle Motion from Donnie Darko and Bud Cort take kids from carnivals and do...something to them. Not what you think, though! Also: Ann Cusack overcomes  a drinking problem and Morgan acts like a dick. "Mosley Lane", everyone! Directed by the Gube himself.

In "Cradle to Grave", some guy is forcing women to bear his child in a sexual dungeon. Just as important is Hotch training Morgan to take his job now that he's too Reaper-spooked to do it effectively. Season 5, y'all.