Real Confidence Alyssa Dver

There are so many trite phrases that get tossed around when life is hard. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “This too shall pass.” “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” “Life doesn’t give you more than you can handle”...and so on.

While there’s a kernel of truth in all those well-intentioned phrases, they can ring hollow when we’ve just been kicked in the gut, are suffering disappointment, experiencing outright failure or the sting of rejection.

Recently I came across someone whose take on adversity was so fresh, I just had to have her on the podcast. Phebe Trotman is a world-class soccer player turned entrepreneur and author and the title of her book is some of the wisest words I’ve seen strung together: Never Quit On a Bad Day.

Phebe and I talked about those Bad Days - the ones that make you want to throw in the towel or fantasize about moving to a remote mountain town where no one knows you and you can start over – and the practices she uses to quiet the voices that make us want to quit while still honoring our hurt or loss.

Phebe’s positive energy and practical tips are inspirational and motivational in the best (not cheesy) ways. If you need some encouragement and wisdom on building confidence and resilience, this episode is more than worth a listen. Cause let's face it, we're all in this together, and a little encouragement goes a long way.

Highlights from our conversation include: 


The value of surrounding oneself with a supportive community that speaks life into you, believes in you, and encourages you
How to view failure and defeat as ways to build your resilience muscles
Why Phebe likes to visualize her dream day and how it helps her stay focused on her goals and maintain a positive mindset
What her gratitude practice looks like and how it’s become a tool to shift perspective during difficult times
Why building an inventory of coping strategies to draw on can help us maintain resilience, and persevere through challenges

Phebe Trotman is a successful and heart-centered entrepreneur based in Vancouver, Canada, who is passionate about helping others discover their joy. In both her athletic and professional careers, Phebe’s personal success has been a testament that anything is possible with hard work, dedication, and a team-centered approach. To learn more about Phebe and get a free sample from her book, visit neverquitonabadday.com.

You may already know that I hate the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it”. You can’t just fake confidence and expect it to stick. You can be dressed to the nines and runway-ready, but if you’re not feeling it, if you’re not actively choosing to be confident, people are going to see, smell and otherwise just know it. 

And then you’re just a well-dressed fake.

I’m not saying physical appearance doesn’t matter – because it does – but it’s no substitute for self-respect and being confident and comfortable in your clothes AND skin. Dressing the part can help, but it’s what’s going on inside that really counts.

So how can you look AND be confident? 

I’m glad you asked because that’s what I get into in this episode of Real Confidence: Posture, eye contact, nervous ticks, the words that come out of your mouth, how to teach your brain that it’s go-time by creating positive triggers, and my number one insider tip to help you radiate confidence from the inside out.

Hint: it’s something I teach and preach all the time. Listen in and then drop me a line and let me know if you guessed right!

How to Confidently Interview for that Job

If public speaking is the #1 thing that rattles people’s confidence, then interviewing for a job has got to be a close second. 

It doesn’t matter if you’re new to the workforce, returning to the workforce, or a seasoned professional just looking for a change, the prospect of “selling yourself” is totally nerve-wracking – especially when the stakes are high and the new job is a need, not a want.

Conventional interview prep advice tends to focus on studying the organization you’re interviewing with, crafting answers to tricky questions you may (or may not) be asked and getting comfortable with talking about compensation.

But when it comes to your confidence, the advice tends to begin and end with vague and unhelpful phrases like, “Be confident in your abilities,” and “Put your confident best forward.”

That’s all well and good, but what if the interview goes wrong or gets weird? You might have gone in confident and then BOOM. Something knocks you off balance.

My guest on this episode of Real Confidence knows a thing or two about how to master job interviews. Dr. Kyle Elliott used to be a resume reviewer on Fiverr and now is a highly sought-after career and Certified ACI Confidence Coach, largely serving tech executives. 

Kyle’s got the goods – and shares them – on how to build, use, and hold onto your confidence before, during, and after the interview so that anytime you have one, you can handle it with poise, ease and resilience.

Top takeaways from our conversation include:


Why it’s helpful to remember that even the most experienced, high-level professionals struggle to articulate their skills and achievements effectively
How to create a "fabulousness phrasebook," of your individual selling points and accomplishments to reference during interviews and use as a confidence touchstone
What it means to approach an interview as a conversation instead of an interrogation and ways you can control the narrative to demonstrate your communication and critical thinking skills
Ways to handle challenging interviews so that even if things don’t go well you know you did your best and don’t leave feeling defeated
Why post-interview reflection, which is often overlooked, is one of the most important things you can do

Dr. Kyle Elliott is a high tech career coach, mental health advocate who’s been featured in Business Insider, CNBC, CNN, Entrepreneur, Fast Company, Forbes, Fortune, Glassdoor, Harvard Business Review, The Muse, and The New York Times, among dozens of other leading publications. You can learn more about Kyle and his services at caffeinatedkyle.com. 

I don't think anyone would say they want more stress in their life. But most of us create a lot of unnecessary stress for ourselves and other people.

I have a friend (who shall remain nameless – maybe you have one too) and she’s a real drama queen. She looks for it, she creates it. Even the littlest things, turn into a crisis or story like you’d see in a Seinfeld episode and it is EXHAUSTING to be her and to be around her.

Okay. You might have heard it said that if you can spot it, you’ve got it. And guess what? I’ve got some of it too! I’m highly skilled at adding complexity to things that create more stress for me and others (but I’m getting better!).  

So why do we make mountains of molehills? What are we getting out of it except feeling bad? 

The short answer is we often react to fear in a self-defeating way. Fear of failure, fear of regret, and fear of rejection – it doesn’t matter – that fear drives us to behave in ways that only ramp up our stress levels.Our brains think they’re doing us a favor by getting us to take actions they believe will keep us safe, but a lot of the time that comes at the cost of our peace of mind.

In this episode of Real Confidence, I get into all the ways we unconsciously create unnecessary stress, how our bodies know we’re stressed before our minds do, and what we can do to prevent ourselves from spiraling out of control and reset our confidence.

Because reducing stress isn’t just about feeling better in the moment – it’s about safeguarding our long-term health and well-being and the best time to start doing that is NOW. 

Friends, I am still reeling from my conversation with Rebecca Yang ,my guest for this episode of Real Confidence. Wow. I mean, talk about an absolute powerhouse of a human being (not to mention being a skilled diplomat). The stories she shared about her experiences in Istanbul and during the Afghanistan evacuation had me hanging on every word.

I couldn't help but be in awe of Rebecca's journey. Here she was, a young diplomat thrown into some of the most intense situations imaginable, from surviving a coup attempt to orchestrating a massive evacuation from Afghanistan. And through it all, she never once faltered in her commitment to living her values.

It’s such a simple yet profound concept and one that clearly guided her through the toughest of times. It's a reminder that confidence and resilience aren't just traits we're born with; they're qualities we cultivate through experience and action.

I feel incredibly lucky to have had the chance to chat with Rebecca and share her story with all of you. It's a reminder that no matter what challenges we face, it's possible to come out on the other side stronger and more resilient than ever.

Highlights from our conversation include:


Why living by your values is especially important in times of crisis when everything is uncertain and situations are fluid
How being able to adapt to change and bounce back from setbacks is crucial for success in ever-changing environments.
The importance of leading with empathy when $h!t is hitting the fan and how that impacts decision-making; and
The relationship between mood and action and which one serves us best by coming first
The ONE thing that most rocked her confidence is truly surprising! And you’ll have to listen in to hear what it was!

Rebecca Yang is an experienced Chief of Staff and Strategy and Operations leader with 17+ years of global experience, including as a U.S. diplomat for which she earned two U.S. State Department awards for her service. The best way to learn more about Rebecca is to connect with her on LinkedIn.

To hug or not to hug? That is the question for a lot of people. Recently I was thinking about the later days of the pandemic, going to a couple of conferences when we were still wearing masks and sitting six feet apart. The conference organizers offered two versions of the badge lanyards to signal whether you were comfortable shaking hands or not.

At the time I was like, oh, what a bummer that this is what we have to declare but in hindsight I think it was probably a big relief for people who, as a rule, don’t like that physical contact and wish they could walk around always with a little sign that says, “Please don’t touch me.”

Personally, I’m a hugger. To me, hugs are more than just squeezes; they're like little happiness boosters with a dash of oxytocin. But let's not kid ourselves, hugging ain't always a walk in the park for everyone.

With cultural quirks and personal preferences in the mix, figuring out when to go in for the hug can be a bit of a head-scratcher.  Whichever side of the hug you’re on, you don’t want to offend, right?

In this episode of Real Confidence I’m sharing some tips on how to read the room, pick up on subtle cues from the person in front of you to determine if you’re going to go for it or opt for a cozy, two-handed handshake instead.

The bottom line? Let’s be more mindful of one another’s physical comfort zone and share that confidence through some good old-fashioned kindness.

Listen in to hear more about how to confidently navigate the hug highway and foster human connection!