Flipping Tables Flipping Tables

An open letter to those victimized by toxic church communities.
There is no debating the fact that spiritual abuse is a major problem within the modern day church. Yet the way that it leaves people broken, without community, and often disconnected from God is hidden, minimized, and unacknowledged.If we want the church to operate in its fullness, we must create a space for victims to explore their stories of spiritual abuse so that they can find true healing — but before we can create that space, we must courageously reflect on and define the term ‘spiritual abuse’, holding those accountable who have misused their spiritual authority over others.Every church has its imperfections, and every leader will inevitably fail you. This is not what I’m talking about. I’m referring to systemic abuse which allows pastors and leaders to be cruel, masquerading their bullying and explicit methods of control behind the facade of ‘discipleship’.Spiritual abuse is not an easy topic. It is not something our leaders tend to address, and I can’t help but wonder if they are too intimidated and terrified to pull back the curtain and get real about what has been happening (typically for years) behind closed doors in their own leadership teams.Many leaders of faith are offended by the concept of ‘spiritual abuse’. They don’t like to be categorized in the same space as an abuser. Yet Christians are not exempt from abusing others simply because they proudly preach the name of Jesus on Sunday mornings.It’s time to get real.I myself have encountered multiple leaders who have exhibited toxic behavior, some being much crueler than any bully I have otherwise encountered in my life, including in my adolescence. That is maddening.Time’s Up.Time’s up on abusers of every kind, especially those within the church who have wounded others in profound ways which have caused inner destruction to the victims. In the worst cases, it has pushed them to completely abandon their faith.Time’s up on narcissistic leaders being allowed to control others with no consequences or accountability. The church can no longer choose to look away out of ego or convenience. It must take courage and lead us into vulnerable waters that will expose the truth. This truth will sting, but it will also bring liberation to all who dare to jump in.We cannot deal with this evil until we define what it is.
What is Spiritual Abuse?
Defining abuse is a task that’s at once both complex and remarkably simple. To be abused by someone is to have them misuse their power over you in some way, and spiritual leaders have proven themselves capable abusers who manipulate, groom, and control those they are tasked with guiding in order to ultimately get their own needs met.All abuse is difficult to engage head on. As a victim, who wants to admit that you’ve been abused? To begin the work of admitting the truth that you have been victimized causes insurmountable shame, horror, and despair.Spiritual abuse is a uniquely messy form of abuse to tackle because of the layers that come with admitting to yourself and others that you in fact have been violated by a spiritual authority that you trusted and perhaps idolized.Andrea Matthews, a practicing psychotherapist, says that someone might realize they have been spiritually abused “when they have been taught, either covertly or overtly, to negate their own original thoughts, emotions, beliefs and body sensations because they have been convinced in some way that to operate out of them would be a betrayal of a sacred contract with either the divine or the divine’s representative.”It’s important to note that the complexity and messiness that comes with spiritual abuse can mean that you do not realize that’s what it was until you’ve left the community you were once a part of and have the perspective to recognize it in hindsight. What spiritual leader will openly admit that they are engaging in abusive tactics? Unlike a physic