13 min
Parent POV: Dealing With Tantrums and Meltdowns Faith and Family
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- Relationships
Picture it: You and your four-year-old are having a great time at the grocery store; picking out fruits and vegetables together, chatting, and counting. All of a sudden, you realize you don’t have enough time to turn the cart around as you approach the tiny, but very visible toy aisle. These are cheap toys, the kind that hurt if you accidentally step on them, the kind that breaks on day three. There are two other carts in the way, and you don’t make a U-turn in time. Your four-year-old makes eye contact with a pack of seven little cars.
“Can I have those??”
“Sorry, not today. We’re here to buy food. Let’s go look at the cereal!”
Your efforts to distract are not successful this time. Then it begins. A tantrum: eyes filling with tears, fists balled up, the STARE. This situation sounds dramatic, because, to your little best friend wailing in the cart, it feels like the end of the world.
No matter how many books we may read, nothing will prepare us for dealing with tantrums from our own unique child. Parenting is a game of trial and error, cause and effect. Here are how 3 different families deal with BIG FEELINGS and what to do during a tantrum.
Tips for temper tantrums
Faith and Family team members, Denise, Macy, and Brother Jeff all have children ranging from 10 months to 8 years old. Here are their experiences with dealing with tantrums and working through big feelings:
Denise
Gideon is 8 and Junee is 4. My children are strong-willed. They get an idea in their head, see it through, and have strong emotions if things get in their way. Unfortunately, it can lead to things getting out of control and frustration for them and their dad, and me.
It’s been a long process for us to dial back our own emotions and tell ourselves that our kids are not responsible for how we feel. It’s our responsibility to reframe our minds and deal with the situation in a calm way. It’s our kids’ responsibility to learn how to reign in their emotions as well and use their voices to tell us what they need. What never worked was yelling. As humans, even with good intentions, sometimes our feelings get the best of us and we raise our voices. While it may have worked at the moment, because the kids were too stunned to speak, it never worked for us in the long run. Any yelling we did added distrust and fear.
What does work is addressing their feelings and listening to what they’re trying to express. Usually, they lash out because we’re busy doing something else, and they just want a moment of our time.
Once, while I was doing laundry, Junee had a meltdown because she wanted to play a game. I asked her to wait and she didn’t want to. I still needed to help her learn patience, so she rode her tantrum out in a safe place in our home. But when I was able to sit with her and let her cry, I told her I understood that she wanted to play, but she needed to wait. I’m still not sure if she understood fully, but she was able to calm down. It turns out that she didn’t even really want to play a game, but wanted my attention, to acknowledge her, or to just sit with her for a moment. Sometimes, there are underlying reasons like that for their big feelings.
My 8-year-old Gideon is the same way, but since he’s older now, he can express himself better when he needs some time to think. My husband and I have taught them to take some time to think and process how they feel. Usually, Gideon will go to his room to cool down and draw or read. When he’s ready to talk, he comes out and everyone is calm after having some time to think.
One thing I repeat to myself is that if my kids are afraid to come to me because they think I’ll yell at them, then what kind of parent am I to them if I can’t be their comfort?
Macy
As a working mother,
Picture it: You and your four-year-old are having a great time at the grocery store; picking out fruits and vegetables together, chatting, and counting. All of a sudden, you realize you don’t have enough time to turn the cart around as you approach the tiny, but very visible toy aisle. These are cheap toys, the kind that hurt if you accidentally step on them, the kind that breaks on day three. There are two other carts in the way, and you don’t make a U-turn in time. Your four-year-old makes eye contact with a pack of seven little cars.
“Can I have those??”
“Sorry, not today. We’re here to buy food. Let’s go look at the cereal!”
Your efforts to distract are not successful this time. Then it begins. A tantrum: eyes filling with tears, fists balled up, the STARE. This situation sounds dramatic, because, to your little best friend wailing in the cart, it feels like the end of the world.
No matter how many books we may read, nothing will prepare us for dealing with tantrums from our own unique child. Parenting is a game of trial and error, cause and effect. Here are how 3 different families deal with BIG FEELINGS and what to do during a tantrum.
Tips for temper tantrums
Faith and Family team members, Denise, Macy, and Brother Jeff all have children ranging from 10 months to 8 years old. Here are their experiences with dealing with tantrums and working through big feelings:
Denise
Gideon is 8 and Junee is 4. My children are strong-willed. They get an idea in their head, see it through, and have strong emotions if things get in their way. Unfortunately, it can lead to things getting out of control and frustration for them and their dad, and me.
It’s been a long process for us to dial back our own emotions and tell ourselves that our kids are not responsible for how we feel. It’s our responsibility to reframe our minds and deal with the situation in a calm way. It’s our kids’ responsibility to learn how to reign in their emotions as well and use their voices to tell us what they need. What never worked was yelling. As humans, even with good intentions, sometimes our feelings get the best of us and we raise our voices. While it may have worked at the moment, because the kids were too stunned to speak, it never worked for us in the long run. Any yelling we did added distrust and fear.
What does work is addressing their feelings and listening to what they’re trying to express. Usually, they lash out because we’re busy doing something else, and they just want a moment of our time.
Once, while I was doing laundry, Junee had a meltdown because she wanted to play a game. I asked her to wait and she didn’t want to. I still needed to help her learn patience, so she rode her tantrum out in a safe place in our home. But when I was able to sit with her and let her cry, I told her I understood that she wanted to play, but she needed to wait. I’m still not sure if she understood fully, but she was able to calm down. It turns out that she didn’t even really want to play a game, but wanted my attention, to acknowledge her, or to just sit with her for a moment. Sometimes, there are underlying reasons like that for their big feelings.
My 8-year-old Gideon is the same way, but since he’s older now, he can express himself better when he needs some time to think. My husband and I have taught them to take some time to think and process how they feel. Usually, Gideon will go to his room to cool down and draw or read. When he’s ready to talk, he comes out and everyone is calm after having some time to think.
One thing I repeat to myself is that if my kids are afraid to come to me because they think I’ll yell at them, then what kind of parent am I to them if I can’t be their comfort?
Macy
As a working mother,
13 min