Losing a Child: Always Andy's Mom Marcy Larson, MD

When grieving mom, Olga, is feeling down and defeated, she will watch a video that her late son, TJ, asked to make while she was working on a project herself.  In the video, TJ says, 'We are dedicated and motivated. We do not give up. Even if we are sad, we do not give up. Never.' At the time, TJ was a happy, healthy young 5-year-old boy. He was a joy and a light to all around him. Olga had no idea that he would tragically die just a year later when he drowned at summer camp.
 
As TJ's family mourned TJ, they were struck by the fact that his death was so preventable. TJ's parents did not want another family to suffer this tragedy so they started a foundation just 4 months after TJ's death. TJ's Story has two primary goals. The first goal is to work with legislators in the state of Missouri to enact legislation to improve safety at summer camps. Many camps had policies that recommended a certain number of lifeguards to be present for children to swim. In fact, the camp that TJ attended had such a policy, but when a lifeguard called in sick that day, they went ahead with swimming anyway. TJ's parents hope that if this policy was instead a state law, camps would be more likely to cancel swimming instead of breaking the law. The second goal of TJ's story is to help provide free swim lessons to young children. They currently have an amazing partnership with Goldfish Swim School to help provide lessons. They have amazing fundraisers where they have been able to raise thousands of dollars.
 
Certainly, over these weeks and months following TJ's death, Olga has had periods when she feels like giving up, but TJ's words always come back to her. 'Even if we are sad, we do not give up. Never.' His bright smile and friendly manner will never be forgotten. Olga says that TJ came in like a firecracker and went out like a rainbow, but it seems to me that through TJ's Story, the light of the rainbow is going to keep on shining. Although Olga and her family only had six short years of memories with TJ, their hard work will make it so countless other children will live to be able to create far more memories of their own.
 

When I am suddenly stuck in traffic on a busy freeway, feelings of panic quickly build inside me. My heart starts beating faster. My hands begin to feel sweaty. It can feel difficult to breathe. As I tightly grip the steering wheel, visions of another car accident come into my mind. I say to myself over and over, 'I can't do this. I can't do this.'
 
Today's guest, Jamie, may have a solution to the struggles I and many other traumatized people have. The beautiful thing is that it is something that you can learn to do to help yourself. Jamie first learned about EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) tapping when her college-aged son, Ben, was struggling with anxiety and schizophrenia. She was tapping on parts of her body and saying the following phrase - I love and accept myself just as I am. She soon found herself weeping. Jamie realized that as much as she thought it was a good idea to love and accept herself, she did not actually truly feel that way at her core.
 
After Ben died by suicide, Jamie was understandably crushed. She said her mind was filled with 'what if's' and 'I wish I had's.' (What if we had gone to another doctor? I should have done more to help.) Jamie soon realized she needed to let go of those thoughts. The solution came through EFT tapping. As she was tapping, she would say positive statements to herself. I am OK. I love and accept myself just as I am. This time, however, she believed it. She could love and accept herself and let go of the negative thoughts.
 
Instead of having the devastation of Ben's death consume her, Jamie decided that Ben's death would be fuel for her to move forward. Despite Ben's death, she was determined to bring just a little bit of beauty into the world. In her mind, the best way she could do this was to become an EFT tapping practitioner. Through her website, tapforhappiness.com, she helps teach people to use tapping in their own trauma and grief.
 
As for me, I hope that someday soon, when driving in traffic, I will be able to replace my words of 'I can't do this' with 'I am OK.' Hopefully, I will even believe the words when I say them.

Today's guest, Jason, has always felt a bit unique as a dad. Early in their marriage, Jason and his wife decided that when they had children, he would be the stay-at-home parent. I was actually surprised to learn that 1 in 5 stay-at-home parents are now stay-at-home dads. What makes Jason's story more unique, however, is that both of his children had special needs. When someone is the primary caregiver of a special needs child, it often becomes a huge part of their identity so when their child dies, a part of them feels like it dies as well.
 
When Jason's son, Zachary, unexpectedly died of sepsis, Jason suddenly felt alone. Like many of the moms of special needs children whom I have interviewed over the past year, Jason felt very isolated. Jason turned to social media to find others who were suffering the same pain and grief. He longed to find other dads to talk with, but couldn't seem to find any. He became involved in many Facebook groups and found that he would be one of the only men who would regularly contribute.
 
On the advice of a therapist, Jason began to write out his feelings. They were raw and unfiltered letters to his son, Zachery. He imagined that someday he would simply throw them out, but instead decided to ask to post them on a bereaved parent's Facebook page. The feedback he received was so overwhelming that he eventually decided to make his own social media accounts. He entitled his Facebook page 'Letters to Zachary.'
 
Jason's 'Letters to Zachary' Facebook page now has almost 1000 followers. He says that his purpose is two-fold. First, he wants to show other bereaved dads that it is not only ok but good to open up and share the feelings that they have related to grief and loss. The second purpose is to give women some insight into the mind of a bereaved dad. He hopes that his sharing may help women understand the grieving men in their lives just a little bit better. Hopefully, the discussions that Jason starts can help couples better understand each other as they grieve together.
 
 

When today's guest, Heather, lost her precious 4-year-old son, Jake, 13 years ago, her life was turned upside-down. Jake (or Jakey as he was often called) was medically fragile and suffered from chronic seizures, as well as additional medical complications, but Heather never allowed herself to think that he would die. Heather left her job as a special ed teacher and dedicated her life to making Jake's life the best it could be. Shortly after Jake died, Heather and her family realized that not everyone had the resources and skills to help their own medically complex kids. They started a non-profit organization called Jake's Help from Heaven. The nonprofit works with families to provide items not covered by insurance that will give them opportunities to thrive. Some items are big and life-changing and others are quite small, but their goal is to come from a 'place of yes' to help every family possible.
 
As rewarding as the organization has been, Heather found that much of her time had to be dedicated to planning fundraising events instead of spending time with the families. This made Heather begin to think about trying to do things differently. What if instead of sponsoring numerous events throughout the year, they simply asked their donors for money and used their time and energy to tell stories instead? These stories have become 'The Place of Yes' podcast. Some of these stories are about Jake and their family and others are about the families Jake's Help from Heaven had assisted. Still others are about people living in grief each day. All of these stories, however, are about people using their grief for good.
 
When Heather thought about having to move forward after the devastating loss of Jake, she discovered this about herself. She says on her podcast, "All I can say is, you can dig deep, figure out where you are, and figure out where you want to be, and for me, I found the answer was in a place of yes." She longs to make the world a better place for chronically ill children and now for grieving families as well. Through the nonprofit, and now the podcast, I know that she will do just that.

"What now?"
 
This is the question that today's guest Bridget asked herself after she and her family made the difficult decision to remove her 28-year-old son, Preston, from life support following his car accident while on a trip to Florida. Bridget had watched her own mother live through the nightmare of child loss when Bridget's 13-year-old brother died. She had lived in a broken family and had felt a bit like a forgotten mourner. She was determined to be there for her boys in their grief in a way that her mother had been unable to do.
 
A few months before Preston died, Bridget's dad passed away. Bridget's mom had planned for the family to take a trip into the mountains of northern Arizona to honor his life. After they lost Preston, the plan changed so that they would honor both. Before the trip could happen, however, tragedy struck again and Bridget's mother died. Bridget and her mom had gathered items to make charms for other family members who would be running in a race initially to honor their father/grandfather, but now were honoring all three. Bridget went on to make 10 of these charms that the family brought to northern Arizona. Bridget never planned to make more than these ten charms, but fate had other plans.
 
Years after making those first charms, Bridget found herself in a deep hole. She was drinking heavily and doing everything that she vowed that she would not do after losing Preston. She made a decision to change her life and quit drinking. She thought about those 10 charms and about how therapeutic it was for her to make them. She decided to start making more, leaving them in places where others could find them and learn a little about Preston. She hoped that they could bring a little peace to others who were hurting.
 
Now, Preston's Charms have traveled the world. She says that she has now made over 1000 charms and has been told many stories about how a charm was found by just the right person at the right time. She has even written a book about Preston's life including stories of others who have been comforted by the charms. To learn more or to order your own, visit prestonscharm.com.
 
 

When a listener suggested that we talk about grandparents and grief, I thought that it would be a good topic for one of my Livestream episodes with Gwen, but I never realized how much I would learn myself. As you all know, Andy's 20th birthday was last week so I did not prep as much as I normally do for Livestream episodes. I did not have days of questions being posted for listeners in the week ahead of the broadcast. I posted all of the questions once on Facebook and Instagram and no comments were left at all. I had one beautiful email response to the questions that I shared on social media, but besides that, I had nothing prepared. I knew that Gwen would have a lot to contribute as she always does, but I was a little worried about my lack of preparation.
 
When sharing my struggles with my dear friend, Dana, Brogan's Mom, she said that she would see if her parents would be willing to be guests on the Livestream. They graciously accepted our invitation. I think it was meant to be that I didn't have a lot prepared because listening to Grandma Shirley and Papa Mike was just what I needed to do. Hearing them talk about their struggles as grandparents taught me so much and made me think about my own family as well. I know that Dana learned things about her parents' grief that she never knew before as well, and it helped spark further conversation long after the Livestream ended.
 
If you normally listen to the podcast by yourself, this might be one episode that you'll want to listen to with your family. I hope that listening to Dana's family be vulnerable and open may help other families do the same. As loving families, it is natural that we want to protect each other, but sometimes that protection creates walls around us and instead of grieving together, we all grieve alone instead. I pray that this episode will help families knock down some of those walls.
 
We are also honoring Peter and Taylor (from Episode 215: TT's Mom). Andrea honored me with the gift of memorial donations after the recent death of Peter, her amazing husband - enough for 9 months of podcast production. I am truly humbled.