A weekly podcast about the things in life that piss us off, or outright confuse the heck out of us. The show is co-hosted by rocker Uncle Buck (based in North Carolina), and Tab Birt (based out of the land of Praying Hands).
Episode 203 - Turnaders
It's a chilly, foggy night. You find yourself walking the streets of your hometown once again. You recall the days of yore, running from house to house on Halloween night, holding out a pillowcase and getting it filled with literal pounds of sugar. Eerie vibes came from Mr. Jenkins' place, but if you were brave enough to get past the dead bodies and shrieking lady on the porch, you'd be rewarded with a handful of King-size candy bars. But now things are different. It's still cold, and maybe you're wearing a mask, but no longer do children run around in costume. They're either herded in a minivan safely from house to house or are doing the rounds at the local mall that hasn't gone under. You yourself have changed. You're older now, and perhaps you're in a costume, but its nothing extravagant. No fake blood or Batman cowl. You've lost the Halloween spirit and just go out drinking these days. What's the point, it's 2020 anyways, next week will bring even more depressing news. It turns out that Freddy and Jason should have been the least of your worries. The real monster all along was you.
* Spooky Season* Storm Chasers* Halloween Movies* Politics
There's a conspiracy abound, folks. The Case of the "Spooky Season". Why have we gone from Halloween to "Spooky Season" or "Spookytime" or "Scary Days" or "Candy Month"? Is it the old Christians at it again? Blaming slasher flicks and Reese's Cups for letting Satan into our hearts? Or is it something more sinister? Perhaps its the deadly grasp of capitalism, wishing to take another Holiday and cram it into Christmas like many others have been. Soon enough we just might see orange and black Holiday decorations, and finally they can officially add September and October into the Holiday shopping season.
Hey, i've got a great idea, lets load up a van with a bunch of expensive monitoring equipment and radar, load up on beef jerky and Pop-Tarts, and make our way through the plains of Oklahoma looking for high-speed funnels. Yeah, we'll go around videotaping wind, doesn't that sound great?! We can pretend it's exciting and cool! We can freak out and need to change pants because of ROTATION. Doesn't that sound absolutely magical?
Much like a hack comedian doing a political bit about a potential Presidential candidate, setting your film on a holiday is a real gamble. It either makes the movie all about the holiday, forcing it squarely into a certain time of year where you can watch it and not feel like a psycho, or it simply is the backdrop and in that case, why bother? Its even worse with Halloween movies because it forces you to make a Holiday-worshipping horror movie all about pumpkins or whatever, or you've got a kid's movie. There's no in-between.
Being told to do something makes people not want to do it. Being told to do something over and over can make a person go loopy. Being told to do 15 things multiple times a day every day can make a person want to KILL YOU. Vote. Voting isn't everything. Sign this. Raise awareness for that. Hate them. Don't hate them. Watch this. Cancel this person. Support this. Support that. Every day. Over and over. OVER AND OVER.
All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!
Episode 202 - 250K Dongs In My Pocket
With the official start of the spooky season, HWIDG is proud to bring to you life's scariest costumes! No vampires or ghouls here, though. No, we've got a line of the highest quality, low-quality costumes of life's actual monsters. Like: taxes! BOO! Okay hotshot, not scared yet? How about a broken condom! Get ready for those child-support payments bud! Or what about this: a kidney stone! You've never wished for the sweet relief of Lady Death faster than when one of these is stuck sideways in your tubes, eh? Also featuring:* Mice* Hyper-Edited Podcasts* Self-Censoring* Rich White People
Small, beady eyes. A love of cheese and peanut butter. A severe physiological reaction to cats. But enough about me, lets talk mice. Vermin. Rodents. Do other words sound like they're moist like these do? They're perfectly suited for the tiny scuttling creatures that currently have the Handlebreaker House in terror! Even a single rogue mouse, if bold enough, can get you into attack mode (or more accurately fight or flight mode with a heavy emphasis on flight). And we keep trying to re-invent the mouse trap yet somehow these little creepy-crawlies must have their own mouse scientist working on a "How to Lick the Peanut Butter Off of a Trap 2020" pamphlet. Well, stop it Brain!Look, we don't claim to be the be-all and end-all on how to run a podcast. We do our thing and we stick to it. No one wants to hear 20 seconds of silence while you pull up a news story, sure, but there's got to be some middle ground between not editing at all and the hyper-stylized flash-forward speed of some of the podcasts out there. Maybe some nutso out there needs to have no gaps between words spoken, but come on, let there be a flow to the conversation.
Look, i'm not pointing any elbows, but i'm fed up with a certain website that's got Tube in the name. It's probably my most visited website, and heck I even pay for their premium service, but sometimes I wonder if its worth it. I've also got qualms about a certain Hub if you will. *nstagr*m deleted my last selfie for being too risque, what's up with that? And my car isn't doing so great, it's a F*rd. WHOA I DIDN'T SAY FORD, DON'T YOU PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH.Everyone likes money. Everyone hates losing money, especially other people taking it from you. So when you get a lot of it, you like to keep a lot of it. Well, it sure would be nice if you could keep more of this money than your neighbor. Well, invest a little of that money in a poliitcal campaign, toss a couple of platitudes around and BAM, you're on top of the ladder with all your money, making the rules about what those other people can do with theirs. And wouldn't it be nice to have a little more money? Sure would. Well, with your new found power, you can take a little bit from each of those tiny people down there. So you do that a few times and they like you! You do them good. You keep them safe. Yeah! You know what's best for those people. You know better.All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT! Plus check out the video segment of Lower Decks-pectations Episode 3!
Episode 201 - A Nice Pesto Aioli
Debates, debates, debates. Dat's all I hears about dis week. Debates this, de bates that. I don't even know who da Bates are? Norman Bates? Like from da Psycho movies? Why is he runnin' for President? You gonna vote for a psycho? Really? Don't he dress up like his mother or whatnot? You really want one o' dose homeopaths in da White House? Whateva happened to decent honest Italian-Americans runnin da joint. Like Bobby DeNiro. He was king a da place back in da seventies! Hell, even an Irish fella. Nowsadays we got all these Khakistanis and Liberians and You-Know-Whats in the office. Anyways, $14.56 is your total. Jeez all dat moolah, just for:* The Open Software Gamble* Getting Your Issue Solved Right Before You Record* Fact Checkers* Douche vs Turd Sandwich
Ah, good ol open source software. All the goodwill of a community-ran project combined with the work effort of $Free.99. The problem is that you've got to deal with either a know-it-all, anticorporate, "i'll never sellout" bastard that works on it when he's not delivering pizza or a constantly shifting "small company" aka a Slack server of university students that's actually a branch of a branch of the original project because the creator ghosted them. And even then, you're dealing with either the barest of bones "drag this file into this command prompt batch script" or the "I Can't Believe It's Free" almost professional UI and by god, everything in between. It's a real gamble and honestly, most of the time you're better off buying.Sometimes an issue is a big ol diamond. Shiny and new, we can wax poetically about it for a whole episode by itself. Other times it's a 5-minutes-before-we-hit-record last resort of a hail mary. Then every now and then something happens and the issue starts growing and growing. It's just one thing after the other this week and boy are you going to unleash it on Monday night. And right before you do, the thing you've been steaming about the last four days gets put out like a lit match and a gust of wind. You're not gonna be able to light that match again, but damn it you're gonna tell the story of that match's life.
The problem with fact checkers: there are two facts to every question these days. The one you want to hear and the one you don't. Is that how facts actually work? Of course not, but we've pushed each other apart so much that we have "facts" and "alternative facts" now. And everyone is guilty. Agenda-pushing news gets stuffed into outrageous headlines that present half of the facts if any and that gets shoved into your timeline or wall or what have you, and the common person doesn't click through. Whether its laziness or for any other reason that headline is now the fact, even if the rest of the story disproves it. And so you've got 2 different sides doing this to two separate types of people and now we can't agree on anything because every part of the chain is biased.The greatest of choices. A literal douche versus a literal turd sandwich. At this point its like the country is being run by Jigsaw and he wants to play a game with us. Either cut your chest open with a rusty spoon to find the key he implanted into you that will unlock the machine slowly running a giant drill into your temple or sit there and let it happen. Either way it's going to hurt. People don't like pain Jigsaw. That's the part you forgot. Worst of all, these days there's a bunch of people on the sidelines constantly yelling at you to play the game. THERE'S A DRILL INSIDE OF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!
Episode 200 - Bicentennial
Like all great things, HWIDG has reached its 200th anniversary. That's right we've been bringing you life's toughest issues for two hundred years now. Hard to imagine that this all started with two guys writing into their local newspaper about the death of Daniel Boone and how he was "an overrated hack". Their newfound brotherhood in all the things in life that bugged them created what will become today's media empire. Here's to two hundred more:* No Source* Collectible Coins* Ignoring Scalpers* Time to Load Games
These days people are all about "aesthetic". Mood boards, screencap galleries, and more are plastered all over to get you to say "that's so aesthetic", whether its purple-soaked rainy cyberpunk or high end modern-day prosthetics-as-art or even retrofuture car dashboards. Even the dumb things you want to dunk on are their own dumb aesthetic. Therefore, you don't need to add any words or searchable features. They would just mess up the mood. That way you can get even more "engagement" by having everyone ask you what the hell it is you're aestheticing/dunking on.Coins! Unless you've got a mint condition 1823 strawpenny they're worth about their face value. It's just metal! Usually bad quality metal at that! Quarters made to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Watergate? Useless if they're made of the same things as regular quarters and they print a bazillion of them. Those commemorative 9/11 golden dollars you bought? Now those will be worth something when World War 3 happens. You could probably trade one of those puppies in for a week's worth of MREs. Mmmmmmm. Dehydrated chicken alfredo.
Seems every time an expensive limited-edition hot new thing is announced, the inevitable happens. Terrible people abuse the systems in place or straight up use bots to grab every one they can, then once stock is out, sell them on eBay or Facebook Marketplace for five times the price. That means you don't get a new Playstation, some kid doesn't get their Scooby Doo Lego set, and some highschooler that got a part-time job to buy those new Jordans is now failing Math for no reason. And who cares about this? Not the manufacturers. It seems every time this happens they say "we're so sowwy, we had no idea that putting all of our current stock up for order at a single time and announcing it ahead of time would make them disappear faster than a chocolate cake at a fat girl's wedding." 20 years ago: insert cart/disk, boot into game, select your save and load, play. Currently: log in to your account, update console firmware, reboot, login, all your recently played games' updates are queued up, stop the ones you don't want so only the game you want to play now downloads its 43GB patch, watch YouTube on your phone but turn your Wi-Fi off so your console gets all the download juice, wait, let it unpack and patch, boot up the game, login to the Developer's account system, then finally you can play.All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!
Episode 199 - XXXL, All Beef, No Filler
It's finally that time of year folks. The weather's getting colder, the trees are changing colors, and you're stuck inside! You're working from home for the foreseeable future and its driving you crazy. In fact you're hearing strange noises from the neighborhood. Every odd noise makes you jump feverishly, and you arm yourself when you walk around the house. Smart, because there's been a ravenous escaped convict in your attic and walls. You better escape from him if you have any chance of appearing as a guest on our new sister podcast Here's What I Don't Get About Almost Being Murdered. Join us every other week as we discuss the finer points of dodging knife strikes and which kind of doors are the hardest to break through with an axe. Oops, you're dead. This must be the beginning of the movie, my bad. I guess I'll just wait here until those sorority girls move in to ask them about:* Blowing Smoke Up Your Ass* Tree Care* People Who Don't Take Care of their Car* The Gathering Place
By the late 1700s, it was popular belief that drowning victims could be resuscitated by literally blowing smoke up their ass. And not just any smoke at that! Tobacco, specifically. The thought was that it would dry the water and the tobacco would increase their heart rate to get them back to life. I've just got to imagine two things. One: that the guy who invented this was just really kinky. Did you know that at this time they also gave monetary rewards for civilians that rescued drowning victims? And that there were con men who would abuse this system by "saving" their drowning friends? So, two: those dudes were just really kinky too! Damn, old people were really kinky.Just let trees be. They are not your hair. They do not need constant pruning and primping. If something bad happens, like a rogue branch starts leaning on some electrical lines, or a storm blows one over, sure, it needs to get taken care of. And if it needs to get taken care of it needs to be done by a professional with the right tools. Your small hand saw with half the teeth missing or your little electric "chainsaw" is NOT the proper equipment. You need power tools. The stink of gasoline, they're incredibly dangerous, but guess what, they get the job done.
Car guys really like their cars. Car guys also really like telling you things about cars you didn't know. Is it useful? I guess. I know not to put water in my radiator now. Or was it my carburetor? I also know that you don't just grab the gold bottle of Valvoline oil. I think Tab said you buy three bottles and mix them all together? Or don't do that. One of those. ALl I know is that hood pins look terrible.The Gathering Place. Do you really like to gather? Do you want to go to a place? Congrats, you're boring, but boy do I have the perfect place for you. It's full of places to gather, and that's about it.All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT! And check out the video segment of Lower Decks-pectiations!
Episode 198 - Kicked Out Of Six Flags
This week's episode of HWIDG is HOT HOT HOT! With the west coast fires burning out the last remains of the 4chan /pol/ anarchists, we are born anew. Let the fires blaze and wash over us to absolve us our sins. Like the Phoenix we will rise again and form a new country: NeoU.S.A. Our new cyberpunk futurecountry will be the pinnacle of human civilization. Neon-soaked streets and flying cars will give way to the transhumanist movement, giving us sick blade-arms and turbo engine piston legs. The only downfall will be the typical cyberpunk future problems: corruption, violent anti-government protests, terrorism, and gang violence. See?! Totally different.
* Gimmick Burgers* Tom Cruise* Rob Schneider* Battle Royale Games
First we take 100% Dutch beef that has only been fed butter its whole life, and turn that into 5 half-pound patties. We cook those on our one-of-a-kind Giant Easy-Bake Oven for approximately 75 minutes. Then we slice open our in-house made English muffins and slather them with a horseradish and chocolate aioli. Add a couple slices of moldy government cheese and stack everything a mile high. It's nasty, impossible to eat, and was invented by a 5 year-old spinning a wheel of ingredients, but boy will it get you 1.5 million views on Instagram.
Tom Cruise is crazy, we all know this. He does insane stunts every 2 years for his own enjoyment, then gets a movie director to film it and come up with a new Mission Impossible around it. He had the whole couch jumping bit that was all the meme rage of 2005. There's that video of him berating a guy for a prank. He runs like your favorite action figure come to life. He's a manlet, and maybe worst of all he's a die-hard Scientologist, praise Xenu and all of it, and those people are bad people. But SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, he's still Hollywood royalty and likable! He hasn't gotten canceled, and those Mission Impossibles just keep coming with his dazzling smile and him jumping a motorcycle from a plane onto a tower or something and he's almost 60!
On the other hand, Rob Schneider is just the worst.
Oh Koushun Takami. If you could only see what your book hath wrought. You could never predict how 21 years later, you'd have a successful manga and film adaptation, even getting a sequel film, and influenced both of those mediums for years to come. Maybe even more surprising is the millions of teenage girls that fall in love with the pared-down American rip-off. But video games? In the late nineties you couldn't fathom what you would do to them. The most popular game in the world and the spawn of a new genre itself. Hundreds of millions of kids begging their parents for imaginary currency so they can buy a virtual dance. All from a book about middle-school kids' heads exploding.
All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!