ON BOYS Podcast Janet Allison, Jennifer LW Fink

Child psychologist Emily Edlynn says a healthier approach to tech is good for the whole family. 
As she wrote in her Substack newsletter, the currently popular shame-blame-restrict approach to social media, screens, and gaming isn’t working particularly well. Emily sas:
Parents’ hyper-focus on screen time, gaming, or phones can have more negative effects than the technologies on their own. Parents can become so fixated on maintaining the limits that the fixation itself causes a child’s or teen’s frustration and subsequent distancing from their parents.Social Media, Video Games, & Phones Aren’t the Cause of Mental Health ProblemsContrary to popular belief, smartphone and screens are not solely responsible for the current mental health crisis.
“I’m always skeptical is there’s a straight line drawn from any one thing to mental health,” Emily says. “That’s not how mental health works. It’s very complex, nuanced, layered, and full of contributing factors.” In fact, tech overuse can be a symptom, not a cause of mental health problems.
“It’s really important not to blame the tech but to get under it & explore what’s going on,” Emily says.
So, parents: take a breath. Giving your child a smartphone does not doom them to anxiety or depression. It is much healthier to step away from the fear and approach technology as a tool.
“When parents take more of a mentorship approach to online activity and social media, the kids do better with it,” Emily says.
Fighting About Tech Isn’t Helpful. Here’s a Healthier Approach to Tech.Parents and children often have vastly different views of (& goals for) technology. These differing views often come into conflict. And in many cases, that escalates into a problem.
“The conflict around technology can cause more harm than the technology itself,” Emily explains. Kids may feel misunderstood, alienated, and not trusted. And parental guilt and stress around technology is harming both parents & kids.
Although it may not seem like it during the tween & teenage years, our kids want to be connected with us. When they don’t feel connected to us due to high and constant conflict, they suffer (often, in ways we can’t see).
Focus on the connection with your child instead of focusing on the tech.

Photo by Photo by KoolShooters via Pexels
Takeaways:Parents should focus on balance and individualized approaches to technology use rather than blaming technology for mental health issues.Open dialogue and empathy are key in discussing technology use with children and teenagers.Technology can be addictive, and it is important to develop critical thinking skills and awareness of its impact.The goal is to raise children who have a good internal sense of balance and can make healthy choices in the digital world.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynn
www.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s website
The Art & Science of Mom — Emily’s Substack (Be sure to check out Fortnite Creep)
Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time — Building Boys post
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode featuring Emily
How Our Feelings About Technology Affect Our Kids — newsletter by Melinda Wenner-Moyer (mentioned by Emily)
Melinda Wenner Moyer: Raising Boys Who Aren’t A******s — ON BOYS episode
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Dr. Adam Price’s book, He’s Not Lazy, is one that parents of teenage boys frequently recommend to each other.
There’s good reason for that: He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself addresses parents’ fears and concerns about their “unmotivated,” “under-performing” teenage sons.
Stop Worrying About Your BoysFear is usually at the heart of parents’ concern about their sons’ apparent lack of motivation. We know how important persistence and effort are to success and happiness in life, and we worry that our teenage sons will fail. But our worry is misplaced — and unhelpful, Dr. Price says.
“It’s imperative that you stop worrying,” he says, noting that “it’s the worrying that often causes us to make the wrong decisions in parenting.”
Don’t project into the future, he says. Focus on the here and now. Connect with your son; trust in his development.
Motivating BoysHuman beings are motivated to do the things we want to do. We are not necessarily motivated to do things we have to do.
That truth applies to our boys as well – & explains why so many boys are “unmotivated” to do their homework or chores. To get boys to do things, we need to give them more autonomy. And we need to let them experience consequences and emotions.
Too often, parents take on all the emotional and psychological labor related to boys’ performance in school. “We end up absorbing like a sponge all the negative feelings: You’re not going to do well. You’re not going to get into college,” Dr. Prica says. “What that actually does is free kids up to not worry about it because they know that we’re worrying about it.”
It’s better to let kids feel that conflict and struggle, to allow them space to worry about their future. Their concern for their future will motivate them in a way your concern never will.
Do NOT say, “you’re not living up to your potential.”
“When you tell someone, ‘You’re not living up to your potential,” you’re telling them, ‘You’re not good enough,'” Dr. Price says. Instead, focus on connecting with and empowering your son. Give him autonomy and continued support. Set limits, establish structure, and be patient. Give him the opportunity to grow and mature.

Takeaways:Parents should try to stop worrying excessively about their underperforming teenage boys and trust in their growth and development.Teenagers are still young and have a lot of time for growth and change.Motivation comes from doing things one wants to do, not things one has to do.Parents should allow their sons to experience the consequences of their decisions and not shield them from negative feelings.Recognize and value different forms of achievement, including skills in video games.Parents should praise the process and effort rather than just the end result.Gender expectations and societal pressures can influence boys’ motivation and self-esteem. Challenge negative assumptions about boys’ motivation and behavior.Set realistic expectations and give kids the opportunity to take responsibility for their actions.Recognize that development takes time and maturity may happen at different rates.Trust the relationship with your child and focus on building a positive and supportive environment.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:He’s Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself, by Adam Price
hesnotlazy.com — Adam’s website
Listener Q & A:Getting Curious & Motivating Boys — ON BOYS episode
Maggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — ON BOYS episode
Trust Your Boys — Building Boys blog post
 
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BoyMom Ruth Whippman has spent significant time reimagining boyhood.
As a mom of 3 boys, she knows that raising boys today is a complex endeavor. As she writes in her book, BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity, “Boys in America (and worldwide) are going through something of a crisis – not only academically but they make up the majority of perpetrators AND also the majority of victims and they are more likely than girls to engage in serious antisocial behavior, along with having mental health issues reaching epidemic levels…Understanding where we are going wrong with raising boys and trying to change those patterns is one of our most urgent cultural projects as a society.
“This is a half-finished revolution.” 
The #MeToo Movement, Boys, & MenRuth was 8 1/2 months pregnant with her 3rd son when the #MeToo movement gained global traction.
“That moment was a really complex moment for me,” she says. “On the one hand, my feminist self was like, Great! we’re finally talking about boys & men in a whole new way; we’re finally seeing this is a systemic problem…. But as a mother of boys, it was really complicated because there was this very negative conversation going on about boys and men, which I don’t think is particularly psychologically healthy for boys to grow up hearing.”
It’s important to recognize and address all of the issues that lead to some men behaving badly, but, she says, it’s important to also “give boys a more hopeful vision.” Focusing on what’s wrong with boys and men won’t likely solve anything & may instead alienate and harm boys & men.
Cultural Blind SpotsLike many women, Ruth was well aware of the all ways in which gender & sex shape (& limit) females’ experiences in the world. But she didn’t understand that boys are affected by similar pressures. Until she had sons.
We “have so many blind spots around raising boys,” she says. And while our society has made great strides in encouraging girls, women, nonbinary, and genderfluid humans, cis boys are still hemmed in by cultural expectations and stereotypes. In our current cultural moment, conversations about boys frequently focus on their potential to cause harm.
That’s problematic, Ruth says.
“I want my boys to have a narrative about themselves that’s rooted in something other than harm and violence,” she says. “I don’t want their story to just be ‘I’m this potential predator and the best that I can hope for my life is that I won’t rape anybody.‘ I want them to also be able to thrive and find pride, joy, and connection.”

In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ruth discuss:Parenting boys as a feministWhy politicizing boys’ issues isn’t helpful – & why we need to listen to diverse viewpointsSeeing boys as more than potential predatorsBoys & schoolMale developmentHow “undercare” harms boysThe stories we share w boysBoys’ friendshipsListening to boysThe “contradictory pressures” on boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:BOYMOM: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity — Ruth’s book
ruthwhippman.com — Ruth’s website (includes links to her upcoming events)
I Blame Society — Ruth’s Substack newsletter
Masculinity in the Land of #MeToo — ON BOYS episode
Men are Not Monsters – 2015 essay by Jen

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In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:The end of an era (Jen’s last son finishes high school!)What Jen will NOT miss about having a kid a schoolHow parenting is like labor & birthTransactional vs. relational communicationLetting boys take control of aspects of their lifeRebuilding trustApologizing to your kidsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episode
Why Boy Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episode
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If you think you don’t know anybody who takes opioids, have you asked?
Those are the words of Julia Pinksy, an Oregon-based mom who lost her son to an opioid overdose.
“It’s been 10 years since he passed,” she says,”which seems unbelievable.”
In the years since, Julia has devoted herself to opioid overdose education and prevention. Today, she teaches others about opioids & Narcan.
Opioid Addiction Can Affect AnyoneOpioids don’t discriminate. Although some people may be more biologically or psychologcially susceptible to addition than others, anyone can become addicted.
“Anyone — it doesn’t matter how intelligent, how educated, how knowledgable about drugs you are — it doesn’t stop your body or mind from becoming reliant on it,” Julia says.
Narcan Saves LivesNaloxone (better known as Narcan) can immediately reverse the effects of opioids – & save lives. That’s why Julia thinks that every parent should have – & learn how to use — naloxone. It’s also a good idea to teach your kids how to use it.
 
In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julia discuss:Why all parents need to know about opioids & narcanWhy some people are so susceptiable to opioid addictionAppropriate management of prescription opioid medicationHow Narcan worksSigns of an opioid overdoseHow to administer naloxone 
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Max’s Mission – non-profit organization dedicated to overdose education & prevention
Real Talk About Fentanyl, Opioids, & Marijuana — ON BOYS episode
 
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Boys don’t do as well in school as girls. On the whole, they earn lower grades and more disciplinary referrals. You will typically find more boys in detention than at the top of the class.
Are boys the problem? Is there something about masculinity, something about male biology that contributes to these disparate outcomes? Or, are schools the problem? Does the curriculum and environment somehow inhibit boys’ success?
Yes. Boys mature more slowly than their female peers, so they’re generally not as well-equipped for the challenges of school as their similarly-aged female peers. Current masculinity standards also ridicule academic achievement or effort and make it difficult for boys to ask for help. And, most school curriculum and practices don’t align well with boys’ needs.
In far too many cases, though, adults make things worse rather than better for boys in school. Adult misunderstanding of male development, coupled with intrinsic bias (and intensified by the fact that educators are now being asked to do too many things, with too few resources & too little support), causes many adults to inadvertently exacerbate boys’ problems. And that’s a problem for all of us.

Photo by Mikhail Nilov via Pexels
In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Why boys struggle in schoolHow adults unintentially exacerabate boys’ problemsSetting boys up for school success (Choose a play-oriented preschool instead of an academically-oriented one!)Meeting boys’ needs in schoolLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:When Your Kid is the Classroom Problem Child — The Cut article
Why Are Kids Being Forced to Eat Lunch in Silence? — Guardian article
Schools — Not Boys — Behaving Badly — Jen’s Building Boys Bulletin about both these articles
Boys & School — Building Boys post about the black walnut incident
Moving Into the Red: Boys & Education — article by Jen about her son’s kindergarten experience
Gifted & Twice-Exception (2E) Boys — ON BOYS episode
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