Dark Wings, Dork Words Chuck Davis

After trashing King's Landing and murdering all the innocent townsfolk they could get their blades into, the Unsullied execute captured soldiers. Tyrion finds his siblings dead, conveniently toward the top of a pile of rubble. Daenerys throws a Nuremberg Rally. Tyrion says fuck this and is thrown in jail. Arya and Tyrion each essentially tell Jon that he should kill his girlfriend. Jon finds Daenerys admiring the Iron Throne and tenderly, sadly kills her. Drogon throws a fit, torches the Iron Throne then carries Daenerys' body away. The few remaining "lords" convene and crown Bran Stark the new King for some reason. Sansa manages to secede the North. Tyrion becomes Hand again. Jon has to return to the Night's Watch to mollify Grey Worm, which everyone seems to think is fine. Grey Worm takes Dany's Horde back to the sea and leaves Westeros forever. The new small council meets for the first time, comprised of Tyrion, Brienne, Bronn, Davos, and Sam. Podrick is knighted. Sansa is crowned Queen in the North. Arya is Magellan. Jon and Ghost trudge north with the Wildlings. The end.

Dany executes Varys. Jon won't show her any love, but still swears fealty. Tyrion hopes for a relatively peaceful surrender and frees Jaime to try to engineer it. Dany blows shit up. The Hound talks some sense into Arya, who then struggles through the mayhem of King's Landing falling down around her. Cleganebowl is satisfying. Jaime kills Euron, who is conveniently in his path en route to Cersei. He finds her in despair, leads her to the depths of the Red Keep and they are buried beneath it. Jon and Davos are unable to stem the carnage as Grey Worm and the rest of the "good guys" slaughter indescriminately. Dany wins and the realm loses.

The survivors in the North mourn their dead, burning them on funeral pyres. During a somber feast, Daenerys names Gendry Lord of Storm's End to great huzzahs. He then seeks out Arya and proposes to her, but she says thanks but no thanks. Jaime and Brienne hook up, much to Tormund's dismay. Daenerys begs Jon to keep his true parentage under wraps. Bronn arrives to demand Highgarden in exchange for not killing Jaime and Tyrion. Daenerys is ready to go fuck up King's Landing to put an end to Cersei, but everyone else dissuades her. Jon asks Bran to reveal his true parents to Sansa and Arya after swearing them to secrecy. Sansa turns around and immediately blabs to Tyrion, who in turn informs Varys. Arya and the Hound leave Winterfell together to take care of unfinished business in King's Landing. Tormund gives Jon a warm farewell, saying he's taking the Wildlings back beyond the wall. Daenerys and her fleet set sail for King's Landing, while Jon leads the Northern army. Euron Greyjoy ambushes the fleet at Dragonstone, immediately killing Rhaegal with bigger badder scorpions mounted on his ships. Daenerys' ships are quickly sunk as well, dumping everyone in the sea, allowing the bad guys to capture Missandei. Daenerys' blood is up as Varys and Tyrion debate whether Jon or Daenerys is better suited to sit the Iron Throne. Jaime ditches Brienne, seemingly wanting to go protect Cersei. During a parlay at King's Landing's gates Cersei rebuffs Tyrion's plea for peace, and has the mountain behead Missandei. Grey Worm is gutted, and Dany is ready for vengeance.

The Dead arrive at Winterfell and relentlessly slaughter the defenders, pushing their way over the walls. Before all hell breaks loose Melisandre arrives, sets the Dothraki's arakhs ablaze, inspiring them all to charge off and die instantly. This alarms Daenerys, who takes to the air with Drogon to go burn some baddies. What follows is a confused, hazy, dark slog of death and defeat. Jon and Daenerys engage the Night King on dragonback in mid air, enveloped by snowstorm. Lyanna Mormont and Beric die heroically in grim scenes. Arya kicks ass for a while, then gets a bump on the noggin and starts skulking in fear, until Melisandre finds her and cryptically inspires her to go kill something with blue eyes. Jon knocks the Night King off Viserion to the ground, Drogon gives him a full face of dragon flame, but he smirks it off. Jon races to take on The Night King on foot, who raises the slain Winterfell defenders to swarm Jon. The Night King then strolls on into the Godswood, where Theon has been quickly running out of arrows defending Bran. Inside the crypt folks sit grimly until the dead start popping out of the tombs, but nobody recognizable dies. After Daenerys is pulled from Drogon by swarming dead soldiers, Jorah dies defending her. The Night King kills Theon, casually strolls over to Bran, leisurely reaches for his sword, and out of nowhere Arya leaps on him, does a trick with her Valyrian steel dagger and stabs him. All the baddies drop dead for good. Melisandre walks away from Winterfell, drops her necklace, then her robe, then she too dies.  Ultimately the long night wasn't that long.

Jaime is more or less put on trial for murdering Daenerys' father, but Brienne vouches for him, and Sansa says 'as long as we got a voucher'. Jaime later apologizes to Bran for pushing him out the window, but Bran says 'whatevs'. Tyrion is in the doghouse with Daenerys for being outsmarted by Cersei, but Jorah vouches for him. Daenerys tries to bond with Sansa over their mutual affection for for Jon, but blows it by not answering Sansa's question about the North's independence. Theon, Edd, Tormund, and Beric all show up. A war council convenes and agree to Bran's plan in which he will act as bait to lure the Night King to the Godswood. Gendry finishes a not-all-that-special weapon for Arya, who then has her way with him. Tyrion, Jaime, Davos, Brienne, Podrick, and Tormund drink together, and in a moving scene Jaime knights Brienne. Jorah fails to dissuade Lyanna Mormont from fighting and is gifted with Hart's Bane by Samwell. Daenerys finds Jon at Lyanna Stark's tomb and he gives her the lowdown about his lineage and claim to the Iron Throne. Then the dead arrive.

All the heroes converge upon Winterfell and learn the White Walkers have broken through the Wall with an undead dragon. Sansa and the Northern lords are suspicious of Daenerys and don't believe the Lannisters are sending reinforcements. At King's Landing, Euron delivers the Golden Company, then gets it on with Cersei. Qyburn instructs Bronn that Cersei orders him to kill Tyrion and Jaime, if they should survive the coming war. Theon rescues Yara, who sails to reclaim the Iron Islands. Jon reunites with Bran and Arya, and learns to ride a dragon at Daenerys's goading. Sam learns that Daenerys executed his father and brother, then Bran tells him to break the news to Jon that he is really Aegon Targaryen. Tormund, Beric and Edd visit a haunted house. The episode ends with Jaime arriving at Winterfell to find Bran waiting for him in the yard.