98 episodes

We're here to help, whether you want it or not.

We Will Fix You Haunted Phonograph

    • Comedy

We're here to help, whether you want it or not.

    Episode 109: I Touch Myself

    Episode 109: I Touch Myself

    It happens to us all - a slip of the pen or keyboard, and quite the wrong message is conveyed. In the case of this week’s fixee, they are locking themselves away to meditate, only to later say it was something… quite different. Can we help? Oh, but we’ve got three robust and sinewy fixes waiting to go.

    • 16 min
    Episode 108: The Pee Tape

    Episode 108: The Pee Tape

    Look. You don’t like it, we don’t like it, but sometimes people need help with other people and their inability to pee correctly. Just… in the right place. At all. The big porcelain bit. So yeah, here we are. Helping. With all the pee.

    • 20 min
    Episode 107: Every Day I Write The Book

    Episode 107: Every Day I Write The Book

    When we were young, we were taught that it would be the most important thing in the world to have clear, neat handwriting as we would be doing so much of that in our important adult jobs. Well now we have those and it turns out the only writing we do is cryptic graffiti about wasps on the toilet walls. But I digress, this week’s questioner wants to return to their writing stamina of old. Can we, even in these technological times, return them to the strength of the scriveners of old? You’d better f*****g believe it, treacle.

    • 15 min
    Episode 106: Baby Let Your Hair Grow Long

    Episode 106: Baby Let Your Hair Grow Long

    This week’s listener doesn’t know when to stop clicking on Twitter’s recommended accounts, and through plenty of fault of their own is now in a race against Twitter’s algorithm and their own capacity for “erotic joy”. The Algorithm may destroy their horn, and they have turned to us, in the dying days of 2019, for help.

    • 12 min
    Episode 105: Eat It

    Episode 105: Eat It

    This week’s listener knows that particularly modern malaise that comes from having someone confuse their email address for your own. The gift cards, summonses and death threats meant for a total stranger are piling up and so they turn to us for help. And help we shall!

    • 14 min
    Episode 104: Tell Her No

    Episode 104: Tell Her No

    But every single time, every single person is going to ask them, so teeth-achingly politely, for what they’re proposing as an alternative that one of two things will happen.

    • 13 min

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