SUMMER BONUS: Torch the Place Dear So and So

How do I get my books back from a former friend and ex-lover—is the appropriate channel through his new girlfriend? Am I being rude or difficult if I tell people on a conference call that I can't hear them? If I REALLY want to pay for dinner, should I start a Venmo war with my dining partner? Or should I just run after our server and pull her ponytail until she runs my card? Plus: Alyssa teaches us how to divine someone's dream sandwich.