Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri Annalisa Barbieri

This is a difficult subject, but an important one. I still get letters from people unsure whether they've been the survivor of sexual violence.
My guest is Katie Russell, former media officer for Rape Crisis and now CEO of Support After Rape and Sexual Violence Leeds (SARSVL). Katie is a specialist in sexual violence and abuse against women and girls with over 18 years' diverse experience within the Rape Crisis movement and wider voluntary and community sector.
In this episode we talk about what rape and sexual assault is, and also address other aspects of sexual violence. We talk about consent, and how it's an active, not a passive act. I.e. just because you didn't say no, it doesn't mean you meant yes.
We talk about the trauma response and how that can affect your response to sexual violence, and how this isn't anything you have control over.
In an ideal world I'd like everyone over the age of about fourteen to listen to this and really understand what consent is, because without understanding consent you can't be sure you've got it. And if you haven't got consent, you may be committing an act of rape or sexual assault.
I talk about organisations and articles in the episode and here are the relevant links:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/19/are-obedient-children-a-good-thing
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jan/08/shouldnt-force-child-kiss-grandparent-consent-sex-education
If you or someone you know has been affected by the subject matter of this episode you can get help and support by putting in the words rape crisis and the county you live in into Google.
SARSVL is the organisation mentioned and where Katie works is at.
Rape Crisis England and Wales.
The 24 hour helpline Katie mentions is on 0808 500 2222.
Support for men and boys affected by rape or sexual violence:
The legislation we refer to is the 2003 Sexual Offences Act.
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What does it mean to belong? What does it feel like? And does it even matter?
I started asking myself this a few years ago, possibly because, as a child of immigrants, I wasn't sure I ever felt like I truly, 100%, ever belonged in any one place. But, does anyone?
My specialist, for this episode, Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered integrative psychotherapist who is very psychoanalytically informed. Mark was born in England to a Dutch father and an English mother but moved extensively, as you’ll hear, as a child. He is a third culture kid and we’ll discuss what this means in more detail in the episode.
We also look at how important attachment is in determining how much we feel we belong, or don’t. How self esteem also impacts and how very important human connection is to psychologically tether us to a sense of belonging. We also look at why you might feel you don’t belong in the very place you think you might have an automatic right to -  your own family.
If you’d like to learn more about Mark and his work his website is brightonandhovepsychotherapy.com
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Despite the plethora of information that's now available about sex, across so many mediums, it's still astonishing the misinformation that's spread on sex and the sexual organs. This is likely due to two factors: the adults in children's lives being too embarrassed or falsehoods spread around playgrounds and classrooms by children and young teens who get their 'sex ed' from porn (which doesn't show realistic sex).
This is an introduction to sex with sexual and relationship psychotherapist and specialist in sexology, Silva Neves is accredited with COSRT and UKCP. Based on the sort of questions that I get asked such as "does the man have to be on top?". You may be surprised by what you learn however, even about your own body. I learnt something about the clitoris and I speak to sex therapists all the time! Marvel at the stupid questions I ask, so you don't have to.
You can learn more about Silva Neves and his work here: https://www.silvaneves.co.uk/
A good website aimed at fourteen year olds and up is BishUK.com. If you want to find a sexual and relationship counsellor the website for accredited therapists is cosrt.org.uk
Remember, sex you don't consent to, isn't sex. It's rape or sexual assault, or both. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

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If you've even been near a baby, let alone had one, you've probably heard of baby-led weaning, the idea that babies don't need to have puree laden spoons shovelled into their mouths, but are perfectly capable of feeding themselves. Even choosing their own foods from a pre-prepared selection. Gasp.
In this episode I talk to Gill Rapley, whom I first met in 2006 but had heard about a bit before then. She didn't invent BLW but she definitely put it on the map and kicked off a lot of research into this subject. She also co-wrote the original, research packed book on the subject (accept no substitute!): Baby-Led Weaning. Gill was a health visitor for 20 years, has been a board certified lactation consultant and is the co-author of five other books including one just published in the UK on an adapted baby led weaning approach for babies with additional challenges and difficulty eating called Your Baby Can Self Feed Too.
We talk about what baby led weaning is, what it isn’t, why we may want to rethink spoon feeding, what the research shows and why, anyway, baby’s first piece of cutlery - when he or she is ready to wield their own - should really be a fork and not a spoon. I should add I did spoon/puree feeding with my first and baby led weaning with my second. I’ll talk more about that at the end of the episode.
Read more about Gill, her work and her books at: www.rapleyweaning.com
If you'd like to read the article I wrote in 2006 when I first met Gill you can do so here. If you are in need of a board certified lactation consultant go to https://ibclc.co.uk.

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You'd be surprised at the number of people who haven't made a Will. Some of them are the lawyers I speak to. I think this is in large part because no-one wants to think about dying even though - spoiler alert - we're all going to. But the sticking point for many parents is thinking of who to appoint as legal guardian.
I've chosen the best, most accessible and friendliest lawyer I work with, aka Gary Rycroft, to talk us through this terrifying subject so you know what to think about, how to make a will, what to put in it, how it's never a good idea to cut children out of your will unless you tell them when you're still alive (soooo many problems I get are about this). We also talk about LPAs, trusts and probate.
A few links I mention in the podcast:
Plan If planif.org.uk 
The best way to find a solicitor is by word of mouth, and finding someone you feel comfortable talking to. But if you want to look one up go to the Law Society website here.

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This is not an easy subject, but a necessary one, especially when you hear the statistics on child sexual abuse. Many children don't understand what's happening to them and often can't talk about it until they are way into adult hood and what they perceive to be a 'safe place'. The impact, as we see in this episode, can be life long and pernicious.
I talk to consultant psychiatrist in psychotherapy Dr Jo Stubley who leads the adult section of the trauma service at the NHS Tavistock Centre. Jo is a member of the British Psychoanalytic Society and also took part in our trauma episode in series one (do listen to this if you haven't already). We talk about what grooming is, how to look out for it (an abuser grooms not just their victim but often the whole family), how to look out for signs that your child may be experiencing abuse and if you're a survivor of non recent child sexual abuse we hope you can find something in this episode to make you feel less alone.
I care about all the CSA letters I get sent but, for the first time ever, I tell my childhood friend's story, which explains why this subject is so close to my heart.
Organisations that can help:
Napac is the National Association for People Abused in Childhood; it has a helpline (0808 801 0331) and lots of information on its website about how to access support. It’s where I refer all my readers who write in to me who have been affected by any form of non recent child abuse.

There's also the NSPCC for help and information and Childline (helpline 0800 1111) for children experiencing any form of abuse.

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation is the only UK-wide child protection charity dedicated solely to preventing child sexual abuse, they work with all those affected by abuse, including the abuser and they run the Stop It Now helpline: 0808 1000 9000.
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