Is My Child A Monster? A Parenting Therapy Podcast Leslie Cohen-Rubury

This is part 3 of the 3 part series with Alice.  She's a recently divorced mother of two boys, Dan, who's nine, and Jake, who's six. In the first two sessions, Alice and Leslie focus a lot on her anxieties about her children, and her parenting perfectionism. It's so hard to raise kids, especially after a big life change, like divorce. This episode, Alice reviews what strategies have been working, and what still needs work. Today’s session focuses on additional practical strategies for things like chores, politeness, and the transition between Mom's house and Dad's house. 


Time Stamps
7:25 How much control do I give my child? A discussion of personal power vs powering over another person
9:35 Example of dialectic thinking for a child who they should have done something different
11:10 Zoom in and Zoom out
15:50 Flexibility and flow when the kids transition between two homes 
20:10 What to do when your child refuses to do what you ask them to do
21:00 Raising a responsible child, not an obedient child
22:20 Joining your kids in the chaos of yelling
25:07 An example of the paradox of parenting
27:12 Resist the urge to fix the moment 
30:36 What to do when your child says no. - give them space
31:35 Leave the complaint, Don’t pick up the complaint and it won’t go anywhere
32:05 Maintain your focus and don’t get distracted by the complaints - using an example of picking up your child at a friend’s house


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Leslie-ism: You need both insight and practical skills in order to make a change in your parenting.


Show Note Links:

Leslie was interviewed on Whinypaluza Podcast with Rebecca Greene.  You can listen to that interview here where we discuss the causes of certain behaviors of children.  You can also follow Rebecca Greene at:
Blog  https://www.whinypaluza.com/Facebook  https://www.facebook.com/whinypaluzaparentingInstagram https://www.instagram.com/becgreene5/ @becgreene5Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 3 part series with Alice who is parenting her two boys Dan, 9 years old and Jake, 6 years old.  Alice is coming to this therapy session feeling overwhelmed and not having the time and focus to do what we talked about in the previous session. Parenting IS overwhelming and its very likely that many of you also feel overwhelmed. We unpack those feelings and discuss strategies to help Alice stay present in her parenting. You can’t do it all. And sometimes we just need permission to let go of other people’s expectations.


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Time stamps:
14:13 Being overwhelmed by thoughts, beliefs and shoulds:  Is that adding any value?
17:35 The difference between mindfulness and meditation
18:03 Definition of mindfulness
20:52 Understanding the doing mind vs the being mind
23:09 Identifying a parenting myth: “It only counts if we are interacting together”
24:25 Connection is the foundation of your parent-child relationship
26:35 Examples of how to “be” present with your children
31:35 The richness of diversity between the parents
33:50 What to do with nagging thoughts 
37:49 Take another look at politeness
38:46 Are you modeling politeness: Do you actions speak louder than words
40:50 How to cue a child to develop their manners without shaming them



Leslie-ism: Being present is more important than being perfect.



Show Note Links:
A short video of Jon Kabat Zinn who describes mindfulness 
Handout on Being Mind and Doing Mind
A short video on Balancing the Doing Mind and the Being Mind


Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 1 of the 3 part series with Alice.  Alice is a recently divorce parent with two boys ages 9 and 6  In Part 1 we learn about Dan who struggles with FAIRNESS, often melting down in ways that impact that whole family.  We will discuss the candy wars, the ruined birthday parties, and the issue of fairness. Alice also admits that she is struggling with the fear of being a bad parent and worries about who her son will be as an adult. 


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Time stamps:
6:12 The need to see and heard and understood
6:45 Use the phrase “I notice….” to help your child gain intrapersonal and interpersonal awareness 
9:40 Validation - not all validation is not all equal - its in the eye of the beholder - try to get the primary emotion - I identify when you unintentionally invalidate your child
12:05 We are parenting in the short term and the long term
15:43 Do you expect your child to misbehave? We actually need to expect our child to misbehave
16:41 When parents feel like they are a failure
17:49 and 18:50 Examples of using the skill of coping ahead for the misbehavior:  “Bring it on” 
20:45 Talking about the fear of what your child will be like when they grow up
26;26 The issue of fairness and unfairness
27:35 When kids need predictability and uncertainty
31:28 The difference between equality and equity
33:50 An example of dialectic dilemma
35:20 Sibling rivalry as a process of individuation and differentiation
40:16 Think outside the box - fill the emotional bank
45:05 When parents feel like their children are manipulating them
46:14 The “shoulds” that parents may feel.



Leslie-ism:  Take a moment to check your own expectations, check your fears and check your shoulds.


Show Note Links:
A visual image illustrating the difference between equality and equityAn article on Why kids have meltdowns afterschool A blog posting exploring The Need to be Heard and Understood  A blog posting exploring The Need to Belong

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck.  Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a special episode in which Leslie is joined by guest Lindz Amer (they/them) to talk about their work within the LGBTQ+ community. Leslie and Lindz talk about various topics regarding being a caretaker and ally to LGBTQ+ children. Last week’s episode was about parenting Jack, a transgender child.  Leslie wanted to have Lindz on the podcast to further discuss the important ways we can create a safe and validating environment for LGBTQ+ children.:
About today’s guest:  Lindz created their award-winning LGBTQ+ family webseries Queer Kid Stuff in 2016 which now has 4M lifetime views and counting!  They are the author of the nonfiction parenting book Rainbow Parenting: Your Guide to Raising Queer Kids and Their Allies (St. Martin’s Press) and their picture book Hooray for She, He, Ze and They! What are YOUR Pronouns Today? (Simon & Schuster, February 2024).  Currently they host the Rainbow Parenting Podcast and perform at school and libraries across the country, while writing and consulting for children’s television.  You can watch their viral TED talk on why kids need to learn about gender and sexuality.  See Links below for these resources and more information

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Leslie-ism: Take a look at the assumptions you are making about your child that may not even be true.


Show Note Links:
Here are the links to Lindz Amer’s website, Rainbow Parenting, Hooray for She, He, Ze and They, Rainbow Parenting Podcast

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is a single session with our guest May.  May is married to Charlie and they have a child named Jack.  Jack is 13 years old and was assigned female at birth, but identifies as they/him and approached May to start calling them Jack in middle school. May, who is wonderfully supportive of Jack, finds herself struggling to be the mediator between Jack and the conservative members of their family, including Jack’s father, Charlie. In this episode, May’s story will help us consider how we can best help a child navigate the complexities of gender identity and the associated stigmas. 


CW:  Brief mention of Self-harm and Statistics on Suicide in LGBTQ youth


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Time stamps: 
15:10 Finding common ground between parent and child
16:16 Different ways of responding to a problem
25:00 Creating a validating environment
27:00 Buddhist meditation:  Have strong back and soft heart
40:10 Feel the fear and do it anyways


Leslie-ism: Keep in mind advocacy starts at home

Show Note Links:
Call 988 - Suicide and crisis hotline. Available 24 hours.  If you or anyone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts.LGBTQ+ Resources https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ https://glaad.org/transgender/resources/https://thesafezoneproject.com/resources/vocabulary/Research on a validating environment for the well being of LGBTQ youthQuotes on Courage including Maya Angelou’sBrene Brown’s Strong Backs, Soft fronts + Wild Hearts on Unlocking Us PodcastStrong Back, Soft Heart meditation by Roshi Joan Halifax starting at 27:35 on Omega’s podcast.Handout on the Five Ways Solve to a Problem 
Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and LeslieCohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

This is part 2 of the 2 part series with Zach and Sarah.  Sarah and Zach are divorced co-parents of two children. They came to Leslie to talk about Andrew, their 16-year-old son who is withdrawn and struggling in school. Last session Leslie explored ways to approach Andrew with curiosity and compassion in order to connect with him. She touched on family dynamics and how Andrew may feel like an outsider in a family of high achievers. We’re going to dive more deeply into that today - how putting pressure on your child, intentionally or otherwise, can set them up for shame and anxiety. Having intense feelings like you are not good enough or that you can’t live up to your parents expectations (perceived or real) can cause major disruptions even when it's unintended by the parents.  
Parenting is hard and we are all learning as we go. Sarah and Zach are dealing with very different issues with their two children.  Andrew’s withdrawn behavior can feel so invalidating to the parent who is trying hard. Parenting the challenging child as we hear in this episode, is not very validating because your child doesn’t tell you that you're doing a great job. Even though we all love getting the smile, the hug, and hearing the words, I love you, it's  NOT the child's job to validate you. Remember, they’re just trying to survive adolescence. Parenting is hard and so is being a teenager.


For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.


Time stamps:
5:15 “Shoulding” your child is shaming your child
8:05  Teaching parents to not work so hard
8:14  Talking less.  Listen more to your kids.  Listen twice as much as you talk8:45 Nonverbal ways of connecting with your child8:53 Make simple observations. Use the phrase “I notice that” Connecting to your kid in simple little ways that don’t put them in the “hot seat”9:26 Say it and let it go10:01 Indirect ways of connecting: talk about yourself10:35 Be a real person12:35 Manage your expectations and don’t personalize what your teen says or what they do.
15:50 Three Step Apology
17:10 The core belief of shame and what that means
26:54 Feel the fear and do it anyways:  People/children may not realize that the anxiety is often present when you are doing something new
27:41 “Can you give yourself permission to….”
28:25 “You must have a good reason for…” 
34:18 Creative solution brainstorming with your child - Practice brainstorming without evaluation
36:52 Shaping behavior - step by step successes.


Leslie-ism: Practice listening to your child - We have two ears and one mouth - listen twice as much as you talk.


Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Dale Rubury, and Leslie
Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Public relations is handled by Gabriela Glueck. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.