20 episodes
When Our Adult Children Walk Away Dr. Janet Steinkamp
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- Kids & Family
In the spring of 2019, after many attempts to sort through our differences, my adult daughter made the difficult choice to cut off communication. She tried to get her message across to me for a long time – without success. She repeatedly explained that she needed me to accept her new and different boundaries, for me to recognize her as an adult and for me to modify my communication style to be more respectful. She needed and expected change. I wasn't listening and didn't recognize her increasing desperation was driving her away – to eventual and complete estrangement. It took months of cycling through disbelief, anger and hopelessness for me to begin to face my contributions to her decision to cut ties. Even then, as I began to accept my responsibilities, the pain, confusion and hopelessness were sometimes overwhelming. I recognized then, as I do now, that I was not entirely responsible for the fracturing of our relationship. But, in the years of silence, all I could do was work on myself – so I dedicated myself to learning, listening, reflecting, accepting, transforming and preparing. Fast forward to today, and I'm happy to tell you that my daughter and I have reconnected. In fact, Brianna (she prefers Bri) is working with me to help others who want to prepare to reconnect. We work as family estrangement consultants, sharing our insights into family estrangement. We provide opportunities to heal by assisting people in understanding their communication styles and teaching practical conflict management skills that support effective reconnection strategies. My name is Dr. Janet Steinkamp, and the reason for this blog is simple. I am here with my daughter to provide hope, help and healing to people who want to prepare to repair. When you are ready to walk through the hot coals of self-discovery - to prepare for reconnection - I'm here to walk alongside you. The When Our Adult Children Walk Away resources, presentations, conversations, and strategies to become the parent or family member your adult child is asking – needs – you to be. Though I can't promise reconnection, I can and will help you prepare to reconnect when opportunities present themselves. Now is the time to do your work – to reflect, learn and grow. And, by the way - reconnection does not mean our work to build a healthy, sustainable, mutually respectful relationship is done. It is only the start. In each post, I present and explore topics relevant to all who hope to reconnect with an estranged adult child or who are estranged from their parents. The material in each post relates explicitly to the messy and exhausting fresh hell of pain, isolation, and loss. When Our Adult Children Walk Away provides judgment-free resources – this is a safe place - to listen, reflect and explore our most personal lives.
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3 Ways Estrangement is Different for Dad's
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.This Sunday in the US is Father's Day. Many families around the country will spend time celebrating their dads. But, the day can be difficult for our estranged dads - and research tells us that the same is true for many of their estranged adult children. For estranged dads and adult children, the day shines a spotlight on circumstances that led to their strained or fractured relationships.Estranged relationships between an...
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8 Healthy and Emotionally Charged Realities of Letting Go
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.Parenting doesn't end when our children grow into adulthood; it just evolves into a different phase with its own set of challenges. Parents often struggle with letting their children become independent adults. It can be hard to transition from being the primary decision-maker to taking a backseat role in their lives.We are challenged to Let Go. We are faced with finding a new balance in how much support we provide and how much w...
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What is the Difference: Gas lighting vs Reframing
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.The concept of gaslighting has become a common term over the past few years. So what is it and why is it that our adult children are quick to accuse parents of gaslighting?Gaslighting is when someone says something convincingly and with authority puts into question another's perspective and experiences. Gaslighting pushes others to change their own thinking, beliefs, observations, and values. That, my friends, is gaslighting.The...
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8 Things Our Adult Children Consider Before Leaving or Reconnecting
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.Estrangement is most accurately defined as a continuum of distancing. Estrangement in families refers to voluntarily or involuntarily distancing oneself from one or more family members or loved ones, usually due to significant conflicts or issues within the relationship. Checkout https://www.togetherestranged.org/levels-of-estrangement to find a very helpful image of the estrangement continuum. In cases ot...
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What is the Difference: Independence or Estrangement
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail.One of the most frequent questions I'm asked is, "How do I know if my child is cutting ties and wants to be estranged?" Why is it important to understand the differences and similarities? Knowing the difference helps us assess the health of a relationship. Take a listen as I dig in and talk about the differences. And - importantly - the similarities.For more information, please go to https://www.WhenOurAdultChildrenWal...
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The Continuum of Estrangement - Where does your relationship sit?
Hi Listeners. I'd love to hear from you. Send a text by Fan Mail. Determining the level of estrangement between you and your adult child can involve some introspection and assessment of your relationship dynamics. Are you asking yourself questions like: What is the Continuum of Estrangement? What is the progression of distancing? How do I know if my adult son or daughter is on the continuum? How do I slow down the increasing distancing of my son or daughter?This episode is a great p...