SWM 065 – Nov 2020 Questions – High sex drives, losing erections, being too loud, vaginismus and more Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective

Today we have another installment of our questions from our anonymous Have A Question page.  We’re going to talk about managing a high sex drive, losing erections while changing positions, being too loud during sex, a husband who thinks his wife is sexually boring, vaginismus, and then finish off with how do you surrender and give God control in your life? Didn’t expect that last one did, you?







So, let’s tackle these questions before the New Year ends.







Question 1









Looking for help in managing my own high sex drive.







My wife, who is definitely on the responsive side is awesome. We have sex two to three times a week and she's usually down for trying some more adventurous things on a semi-regular basis.







Even still, I find myself regularly distracted (even from work) with sexual thoughts about her and fantasies of things I'd like for us to try or do. On one hand, I'm getting sex more than most people out there, I want to be grateful for the good thing I’ve got. And with both of us working and with smaller kids, that amount is a miracle all things considered.







What can I do to manage such a high sex drive? I work out fairly regularly so I'm not sure what else there is. We've talked about having a "free" card for masturbation 1-2x/w but neither of us really felt that was the right thing to do.







Any insight?









In our lives, we have a lot of good, and healthy impulses.  We get thirsty, we get hungry, we get tired.  The problem is when we want more than our needs, to an unhealthy amount.  Eating too much will make you fat.  Sleeping too much will make you lazy.  Even drinking too much water can lead to intoxication due to the electrolytes being too depleted.







The point is, wanting sex is a healthy desire.  Desiring more sex than is appropriate is not.







So, like everything else, have options on how to deal with desires that cause you to overindulge.







You can exercise willpower.  You can create rules.  You can give it up to God.  Different people find different methods work better than others. I don’t know which works for you.







Another option mentioned in our supporter’s group was to focus more on your wife’s needs than your own.  Not in order to get more sex, but as a way of shifting the focus in your life from one of meeting your own desires, to one of service to your spouse.







Question 2









Hey Jay, my husband and I want to try new positions but every time we try to do something new he loses his erection. Do you have any advice? He keeps an erection just fine when we do missionary.







Thanks,







The newlyweds









It's likely psychological.  It could be it happened once, and now he worries it’s going to happen again, and so it does.  Sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.







Or it could be he has some sort of mental block against other positions.  Some people are taught that missionary position is the only “acceptable” position.  Even if you change your belief on such things, that subconsciously could be sabotaging him.







Or he could feel that it might hurt, degrade, or otherwise harm you in some way, or that you won’t enjoy it as much.







Hard to say.  There’s not a ton to go on, but my guess is it’s likely something going on in his head.  







If you want to dig into this further,