SWM 067 – Infatuation, New Relationship Energy, and Love Sex Within Marriage Podcast : Exploring Married Sexuality from a Christian Perspective
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- Christianity
Ever wonder what causes lust, attraction and attachment? What exactly changes between a new relationship and a long term one? Last month I received a question from our anonymous Have A Question page that I think saw a lot of confusion between these, and so I figured I’d take the opportunity to explain the differences in case others are similarly confused.
Hi Jay,I’m an incredibly driven and passionate person who runs a successful business with a large team. I’m 35 and keep myself very fit. My wife also tries to look after herself but isn’t as driven as I am. I’m a very visual person and physical attraction has always been a non negotiable in a partner. We have been married for 15 years but I have struggled for most of our marriage to be attracted to my wife at times. She is what many guys would find attractive but I’m ONLY attracted to very skinny body types. She was perfect when I met her but has gained a small amount of weight. She isn’t fat by any means but I just don’t have that “I want to rip your clothes off” feeling and sometimes seeing her naked is a turn off. She is obviously very hurt by this but I can’t see a way for us to move forward. I love her but that isn’t enough to want to be sexually attracted to her. How can we move forward in a godly way when the physical attraction which is crucial for me, just isn’t there sometimes and she is unwilling to change.
I did a survey a while back wherein 96% of husbands found they were equally, or more, attracted to their wife now than when they got married. Regardless of age, weight-gain, physical health, fitness level, etc.. This matches with psychology studies which show that we tend to adjust our preferences to fit what the current reality of our life is. Coupled people tend to rate their partner as subjectively more attractive than others would objectively.
There are a few reasons for this. One is that our brains like to adapt to make us feel like we’re winning. The second is that we tend to prefer things we focus on positively.
But, it turns out you are one of the 4%. Now, in my experience, people in that 4% usually have something going on that’s interfering with the natural increase in attraction that happens in a marriage. Because almost everyone thinks their spouse is “perfect” when they first get romantically involved. They think they’re hot, sexy, and they just want to rip their clothes off.
That’s a pretty normal infatuation/new relationship energy response. Here’s why:
When a new romantic relationship is formed, what we call “love” researchers have broken down into three separate, yet often overlapping and interrelated, parts:
* Lust* Attraction* Attachment
In this question, we’re dealing with lust and attraction, but I think the attachment likely also plays a role.
Lust
Lust is driven by testosterone and estrogen. They grow the simple desire to be sexually gratified. Testosterone increases libido, aka your desire for sex, and estrogen enhances that feeling. This is why many women find they have a higher drive when they are ovulating - estrogen is at its highest then, increasing the effect of the testosterone in their body. For men, testosterone and estrogen are fairly static, and so you don’t see the same sort of cycles. They both also tend to drop off with age, so as you grow older, you’re far less likely to have that “I really want sex” feeling.
Attraction
Attraction on the other hand is driven by dopamine,
Ever wonder what causes lust, attraction and attachment? What exactly changes between a new relationship and a long term one? Last month I received a question from our anonymous Have A Question page that I think saw a lot of confusion between these, and so I figured I’d take the opportunity to explain the differences in case others are similarly confused.
Hi Jay,I’m an incredibly driven and passionate person who runs a successful business with a large team. I’m 35 and keep myself very fit. My wife also tries to look after herself but isn’t as driven as I am. I’m a very visual person and physical attraction has always been a non negotiable in a partner. We have been married for 15 years but I have struggled for most of our marriage to be attracted to my wife at times. She is what many guys would find attractive but I’m ONLY attracted to very skinny body types. She was perfect when I met her but has gained a small amount of weight. She isn’t fat by any means but I just don’t have that “I want to rip your clothes off” feeling and sometimes seeing her naked is a turn off. She is obviously very hurt by this but I can’t see a way for us to move forward. I love her but that isn’t enough to want to be sexually attracted to her. How can we move forward in a godly way when the physical attraction which is crucial for me, just isn’t there sometimes and she is unwilling to change.
I did a survey a while back wherein 96% of husbands found they were equally, or more, attracted to their wife now than when they got married. Regardless of age, weight-gain, physical health, fitness level, etc.. This matches with psychology studies which show that we tend to adjust our preferences to fit what the current reality of our life is. Coupled people tend to rate their partner as subjectively more attractive than others would objectively.
There are a few reasons for this. One is that our brains like to adapt to make us feel like we’re winning. The second is that we tend to prefer things we focus on positively.
But, it turns out you are one of the 4%. Now, in my experience, people in that 4% usually have something going on that’s interfering with the natural increase in attraction that happens in a marriage. Because almost everyone thinks their spouse is “perfect” when they first get romantically involved. They think they’re hot, sexy, and they just want to rip their clothes off.
That’s a pretty normal infatuation/new relationship energy response. Here’s why:
When a new romantic relationship is formed, what we call “love” researchers have broken down into three separate, yet often overlapping and interrelated, parts:
* Lust* Attraction* Attachment
In this question, we’re dealing with lust and attraction, but I think the attachment likely also plays a role.
Lust
Lust is driven by testosterone and estrogen. They grow the simple desire to be sexually gratified. Testosterone increases libido, aka your desire for sex, and estrogen enhances that feeling. This is why many women find they have a higher drive when they are ovulating - estrogen is at its highest then, increasing the effect of the testosterone in their body. For men, testosterone and estrogen are fairly static, and so you don’t see the same sort of cycles. They both also tend to drop off with age, so as you grow older, you’re far less likely to have that “I really want sex” feeling.
Attraction
Attraction on the other hand is driven by dopamine,