Rav Ariel Podcast Rav Ariel Sholklapper

In this episode, we cover How To Work A Program, inspired by quotes from Codepe​ndents’ Guide To The Twelve Steps, Melody Beattie (CODA)

Quote #1 - “We do this with the understanding that our parents were probably at least as victimized as we were, perhaps more so, but we temper it with the knowledge that understanding does not mean we have to continue to allow ourselves to be harmed or brainwashed.” (p205 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #2 - “Codependency can contribute to relapse if it is not addressed.” (p209 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #3 - “Our sobriety began with abstinence and recovery from our addictions. Our lives began with recovery from codependency.” (p209 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #4 - “The goal of recovery from codependency…has been to restore us to sanity so we could participate in healthy, loving relationships — if that was our decision and choice.” (p212 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #5 - “There is a great deal of wisdom inherent in the policy of keeping our hands off other people’s business, as it pertains to their choices about relationships. It is not our job to advise others about what their choices need to be or when they need to make those choices.” (pp 212- 213 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

In this episode, we cover Step Twelve of the Twelve Steps Codependents’ Guide To The Twelve Steps, Melody Beattie (CODA)

STEP 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principals in all our affairs.

Quote #1 - “Inviting someone to a meeting is a powerful way to help others. Going to our meetings and sharing how recovery works for us is another way to carry the message.” (p185 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #2 - “Sometimes we share bits and pieces of our story; other times we tell more. By telling our story, we help others and ourselves. By listening to others talk, we become helped. Talking about ourselves, what we are learning, what we are facing, what we are overcoming, is a powerful way to carry the message.” (p185 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #3 - “The most powerful form of helping others comes from helping ourselves. When we do our own work, feel our own feelings, change our own beliefs, and take care of ourselves, when we are honest and open about who we are and what we are working on, we affect others more than by our best-intentioned helping gestures. We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world.” (p185 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #4 - “Some of us want so badly to bring those we love with us on this journey. But we cannot. That decision is not our choice. The only person we can take on this journey for certain is ourselves.”(p186 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #5 - “Understand this, my friend: We do not ever help anyone or have one iota of positive influence on them by standing or staying in the darkness with them. Ignoring ourselves does not benefit us, and it does not help others.” (p186 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #6 - “The most powerful and positive impact we can have on our family is to lead a healthy, happy life.” (p187 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #7 - “All people are always changing. If I try to judge them, I do so only on what I think I know of them, failing to recognize there is much I do not know.” (p188 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #8 - “It can also be terminal. We may develop stress-related illnesses that can kill us. Or we may spend our lives walking around wishing we were dead.” (p193 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #9 - “What is clear from talking to people and listening to their stories of recovery is that those who are making the most progress and finding the most freedom from their codependency are those who work the Steps and allow the Steps to work in their lives.” (p195 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #10 - “I am not separate from God. I am not an outsider knocking on the door, cringing in fear, waiting to be let in. I can take God's hand, and be cocreator, allowing God to take the lead. I am not helpless. I have choices.

We have choices. One choice we have is not to be victims anymore.

This is a lesson I find myself facing again and again. Always, I must learn it before I can move forward. I must transmute my present circumstances and allow myself to be transformed by them. I cannot do this when I am a victim.

I am not outside of the Creator. I am a creation. Now, finally, I am connected to myself. I awakened to God, and I awakened to myself.

And I am learning how to be connected to others. I can look to them to love and comfort me, but I am learning that nurturing the frightened child within is my job, and I will be in trouble when I run around the world expecting someone else to do that job for me.” (p197 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

In this episode, we cover Step Eleven of the Twelve Steps Codependents’ Guide To The Twelve Steps, Melody Beattie (CODA)

STEP 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

Quote #1 - “Going with the flow doesn’t mean we don’t rock the boat. It means we finally can.” (p169)

Quote #2 - “There are times to surrender, times to let go, times to give in. There are times to wait and times to take action. There are times to be gentle and nurturing, times to give, and times to receive. There are times to speak up, own our power, and take care of ourselves...”(p169)

Quote #3 - “Praying is talking to God. A prayer can be a word or a thought. It can be an expression of joy or sorrow. A prayer can be a letter to God. Or it can be a traditional prayer.”(p171)

Quote #4 - “We are free to pray any way we choose: standing, sitting, kneeling, eyes closed, eyes open, lying in bed, or walking down a dirt path through the woods.”(p171)

Quote #5 - “Prayer doesn't need to be complicated. We can talk silently, directing our thoughts to God. Or we can talk aloud, as we would to a person. We don't have to change our language to talk to God...”(p171 )

Quote #6 - “Praying is how we keep ourselves — our souls — connected to God. It is where change begins.” (p173)

Quote #7 - “...the goal of meditation is to quiet ourselves and our thoughts, relax, become centered and peaceful, and tune into God and ourselves...”(p175)

Quote #8 - “Meditation, I've discovered, is no more a waste of time than stopping to put gas in the car.”(p175)

Quote #9 - “We build a connection to God by building a connection to ourselves.”(p175)

Quote #10 - “It means I can trust the flow. I can trust myself. I can trust God. When it is time, I shall be empowered to do that which I need to do. I shall receive the insights, the help, the ability, the growth, the guidance, when it is time. If I can't do it yet, then it's not time.” (p176 )

Quote #11 - “Something is happening. Something good is being worked out, in and around us. Something important. We are learning our lessons, and we will continue to learn them. When it is time, we will be empowered to do all that we are meant to do. We can relax and go with the flow.” (p177)

Quote #12 - “We can relax and go with the flow, even when the flow hurts, even when we're not certain where it's taking us. The hard times will not last forever. The confusion will not last forever. Clarity will come. The answer will come. The darkness of our soul will leave, and daylight will come.” (p177)

Quote #13 - “Sometimes meditation does not work instantly or immediately. I can meditate and feel almost as chaotic when I finish as when I started. But we can trust these behaviors and keep them anyway.” (p177 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #14 - “I used to think that following God’s will for my life meant following a rigid set of rules, instructions, and prohibitions. I used to think following God’s will meant I needed to be perfect. Now I’ve learned that’s codependency.” (p179)

Quote #15 - “All we need will come to us. All the good we desire, the love we want, the success, the friends, the healing, the meeting of needs — big and small — will come.” (p180)

Quote #16 - “We can trust that each day we are exactly where we need to be and where we are meant to be.” (p180)

Quote #17 - “Trust God. Trust ourselves. And trust our lives. God never, never asks us to do anything that God does not equip and supply us to do. If we are to do it, we will be empowered. That’s the easy part of this program: We never have to do more than we can. We never have to do anything we can’t. We never have to do anything before it’s time. And when it’s time, we will do it.” (p181)

In this episode, we cover Step Ten of the Twelve Steps Codepe​ndents’ Guide To The Twelve Steps, Melody Beattie (CODA)

STEP 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it

Quote #1 - “We want to trust our feelings, but we must also call our intellect into play, so we don’t get lost in the swell of unearned guild and defensiveness.” (p157 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #2 - Then I would feel confused and guilty when the feelings didn't go away. When the other person's behavior continued, so did my feelings.

It took me a long time I'm still learning this lesson — to realize that my feelings are often how my Higher Power speaks to me and tries to get my attention about a lesson I need to learn. That lesson may be setting boundaries, owning my power, or learning something about myself and relationships. My feelings are not incidentals. They are an important part of me, my life, and what I need to be paying attention to.“ (p158 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #3 - “There is another area of our lives where our inventory may lead to the discovery of a wrongdoing that requires prompt admission. This area is one of wrongdoings toward ourselves. Not acknowledging and feeling our feelings, not setting the boundaries we need to set, not paying attention to ourselves, not trusting ourselves, not respecting ourselves, not listening to ourselves these are wrongdoings that need prompt attention.” (p158 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)


Quote #4 - “Not being emotionally honest about our needs and wants — with ourselves of others — is a wrongdoing.” (p159 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #5 - “Not nurturing and taking care of the child within is a wrongdoing.” (p159 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #6 - “…an important part of our inventory can also focus on what we’re doing right and on all that is happening within us and around us that’s good.”(p162 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #7 - “We can let go of our need to be so critical of ourselves and others. We can look at what’s right.” (p163 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)


Quote #8 - “My peace, my joy, my love for self and other comes when I accept myself. It comes when I allow myself to be honest, open, and responsible with those I love, work with, and relate to.
It comes when I'm responsible to myself and my own needs.” (p166 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Step Nine of the Twelve Steps Codependents’ Guide To The Twelve Steps, Melody Beattie (CODA)

STEP 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Quote #1 - “…allowing other people to have their paths and issues and learning to have our own.”(p134)

Quote #2 - “...We must work through, and experience fully, our feelings. We must clearly identify and accept the abuse. We need to figure out what our new behaviors and responses to others need to be, so the abuse or mistreatment doesn't continue. And then we will be led into forgiveness.” (p135)

Quote #3 - “Sometimes the lesson is establishing boundaries...learning to say no...learning to own our power and respect and trust our feelings, wants, and needs. Sometimes the lesson isn't clear, and all we can do is accept that the incident happened.” (p135)

Quote #4 - “Often, the shorter the amend, the better. The cleaner and clearer, the better. The more direct, the better. The more it comes from the heart, the better. The more it is led by Divine Guidance, the better.” (p143)

Quote #5 - “Sometimes I’ve said, “I’m sorry if what I need to do to take care of myself hurt you. It was not intended or designed to do that.””(p144)

Quote #6 - “ All of recovery— all of what we are going through — has to do with making an amend to ourselves. Giving ourselves permission to have our feelings is an amend. Giving ourselves permission to be alive are happy is an amend. Taking gentle, compassionate, loving care of ourselves is an amend.

Learning to set boundaries, be direct, and stop defeating and victimizing ourselves is an amend. Learning to stop allowing others to mistreat and control us is an amend. Learning to stop expecting perfection of ourselves, own our power, and be who we are is an amend
to ourselves.

Learning to listen to and trust ourselves is an important amend. Learning to trust our instincts and value our feelings and needs is an amend.

We may have many amends to make to that frightened, abused, or neglected child within us —amends for being so critical, negligent, and shameful. We owe ourselves an apology and changed behavior for not allowing ourselves to receive the love and nurturing we need, especially from ourselves.

We owe ourselves an apology and changed behavior for the sometimes terrible ideas we have maintained, dwelled on, and believed about ourselves. That we aren't lovable, aren't good enough, can't think, don't deserve success, don't deserve to have fun, or don't deserve to recover are untrue beliefs we have assumed, beliefs that need correcting as part of this program of making amends to ourselves.”(p145)

Quote #7 - “I spent years looking to other people, looking to relationships, to take care of the child within me. I looked to relationships to comfort my fear and to nurture, support, and protect that child within. I looked for relationships to be there for me because I wasn't willing to be there for myself. I didn't know how.

Now, slowly, I'm learning a better way. I'm learning how to listen to that child I abandoned most of my life. I'm learning ways to get in touch with her, hear her, and give her the comfort, nurturing, protection, guidance, and discipline she needs.” (p146)


Quote #8 - “This behavior of nurturing the child within is not foolish, as I once believed. It is healing. A few moments a day of caring for that child frees my adult to be rejuvenated and responsible, and lets my child feel warm, safe, and cared for. It also enables me to be a nurturing effective parent to my children. They have taught me much about my inner child and what she needs; my inner child helps teach me about what my children need.” (p146)

Quote #9 - “I needed to forgive myself and develop a better relationship with myself. I needed to talk better to and about myself; I needed to forgive and forget; I needed to stop punishing myself for the wrongs I had don

STEP 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Quote #1 - “We have been wronged. We have allowed ourselves to be harmed.” (p117 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #2 - “Much of what we’re feeling that we call codependency is unearned guilt.” (p119 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #3 - “In what relationships do we need to be able to hold our heads up and allow our hearts to be open and filled with love even if that love comes from a distance and with detachment?” (p120 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #4 - “The name that goes on the third list is our own name.

We are usually the people we have harmed the most with our codependency. We are the people we most need to become willing to make amends to. By repressing our feelings and thoughts, neglecting ourselves, criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves, denying reality, being so frightened, holding ourselves down, pushing ourselves back, believing absolutely untrue things about ourselves, being too harsh, too critical, or too demanding, we have certainly done ourselves wrong.

Denying and depriving ourselves is wrong. Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong.

Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong. Thinking we're crazy and bad for surviving is wrong. Holding other people's issues or inappropriate behaviors against ourselves is wrong.” (p120 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #5 - “Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated is wrong regardless of the degree of abuse. It is not okay to let ourselves be talked to) or touched inappropriately.
…
Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong.
Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong.
…
Every behavior we list as codependent is in truth a wrong done toward ourselves. Sometimes it involves a wrong done to someone else, too. We need to be absolutely honest about both. Until we do, we will not have the map for the rest of our recovery.
…
Allowing others to treat us badly inevitably leads to resentment toward the other person. We need to deal with this resentment, but we also need to be willing to make amends to ourselves for not treating our- ) selves with the respect we deserve.” (p121 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #6 - “Caution: There is no reason to feel guilty or prepare to make an amend, if what we have done is to take care of ourselves.” (p122 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #7 - “I would be entirely justified, I thought, if I withdrew into a cave, became a recluse, and never spoke to any of them again.
That place, however justified, is not pleasant. It is not a place of feeling connected with myself or others. It’s a place constructed of and decorated with fear.” (p123 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #8 - “All that has come into our lives was designed to prepare us to become who we are and to help us learn the lessons we came here to learn.” (p124 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #9 - “My relationships reflected my unresolved issues and my fears. My relationships reflected my beliefs about what I deserved from love, what I was willing to tolerate.” (p127 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)

Quote #10 - “Many of us are carrying around residue from relationships that are decades old! We have not yet reconciled and made our peace with our pasts.” (p128 Codependents’ Guide, M. Beattie)